What to do.

[Sunshine11!]

Mum died unexpectedly just before last Christmas. She was in a super Care Home for the last 2/3 months of her life. Before that. Mum was admitted into hospital last August, moved around to a couple of other places - all of which were so good to her. From her diagnosis, @2 years before, Mum was at home with Dad and my sister who has an alcohol problem.
Poor Mum had an awful time. She was neglected and not given the care she was entitled to, due to who she was living with. Various authorities became involved, but it was heartbreaking to see what was happening.
Since Mum’s death I’ve struggled so much. I still need some contact with Dad but I’m so full of anger and upset that it’s as if it’s eating me up! I’m trying so hard not to let it and to get on with life with my fabulous husband, but am really finding it difficult.
I’d so welcome any advice, just re how to cope.

 

[LouiseW]

Hi

You are finding it difficult because it is difficult - there is nothing wrong with you, there is alot for you to process.

I have had a similar experience to you with my mum suffering in her last years due to lack of care and it has taken me a while to pass through a whole load of emotions and pain.
In my Mums case she had a degenerative disease and my Dad was her carer - he had dementia (undiagnosed at the time) and the 2 of them refused point blank to accept outside help from anyone including me and my sister.

So we saw alot of sufferering that could have been avoided if they had accepted some help, and we both found this very traumatic. When mum died Dad needed so much support and for a long time I was really angry with him for his part in the neglect my mum experienced.

I found that just allowing myself to be angry was a great help, and as soon as I could I found a therapist to help me deal with the trauma and grief I was feeling (I paid for 6 sessions) this worked for me really well and helped me cope at the time and gave me skills to handle the next set of challenges with Dad.

 

[Grannie G]

Your is a really sad story @Sunsgine11! and something which will take a long time to recover from, if ever you will.

Therapy should be able to help and you have nothing to lose by trying.

It could also help if you contact Cruse

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

www.cruse.org.uk

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thanks. I’ve just woken up beside myself sobbing. It’s like a tsunami of something he just hit me!
I’ll take the dog out and have a think. Thanks as always for the support

 

[Gosling]

You have been through so much @Sunshine11! ; really you have, No wonder at all you are finding things difficult. Do please have a think about some therapy as has been suggested already.
You know we are always here on the forum for support and understanding - and for just listening, if you need to tell how you're feeling, It's a safe space,

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thank you. I’m just having an awful tearful day and feeling sorry for myself. Ive contacted Cruse though just for some email contac. Being able to come on here though means so much

 

[Gosling]

That's good @Sunshine11! that you've contacted Cruse. Keep talking to us on here too, please.

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thank you Gosling. It’s so bizarre, I don’t know why this has suddenly just come on today. I’ve kept going and kept going though for a long time. My poor husband has had to cope with his own tragedies, let alone mine, and that’s another reason I feel I need to keep ploughing on. I’ll get there!

 

[Banjomansmate]

After my friend’s Mum died she found it difficult to cry but about six months later she woke up in the middle of the night, went down into the kitchen and just broke down and cried her eyes out. It is delayed shock and not unusual.

 

[Sunshine11!]

I’ve also realised that I’m suddenly facing the fact that im 61 and my husband is 14 years older. So many people have said “ you must make this time for you and he as life is short”. On the one hand I feel like I’m being paranoid - we may not have long together so I should give everything to that. On the other, I just need some me time but can5 find that