What to do?

[pappy]

I spent the last few years looking after my mother with frontal temporal lobe dementia, it was the worst few years of my life until she passed away. My dad was living with her and his memory was bad, i sort of kept everything going, keeping my mum at home as this had always been her wish. I had no life did everything for them.

Roll on a year and a half later, i am looking after my dad who has been diagnosed with alzheimers. I am round there helping him to stay independent, despite his memory failing. Now out of the blue come the accusations. I have stolen his house, i am untrustworthy etc he is telling other family members. they all say take no notice, easier said than done, it is very hurtful when all i have done is look after them. I have never asked for anything and certainly not money unlike one of my siblings. If he needs anything i am there, i drop what i am doing to put him first.

I am not sure if i should keep away for a bit? he is getting very aggressive with me and being rude when i call, putting the phone down. Next minute he seems ok. he says he wants to go to a home to be looked after, next he will accuse me of locking him up!

Any advice will be appreciated

 

[Sirena]

Hi @pappy

I know there are other members on here who have been accused of stealing and otherwise abusing their PWD (person with dementia), it seems to be a common feature of the disease.

It would entirely understandable if you don't want to go through this again, you've spent so many years of your life helping your parents already. You say you are 'helping him stay independent', but he isn't independent, he's dependent on you. Do you have power of attorney for him?

In terms of what action to take, I would ignore anything he says he 'wants', because that changes constantly and he has no ability to make the decision. If you think he needs independent professional care, look into what is available - if he is self-funding, there will be a lot more choice. If he isn't self-funding you would need to contact Adult Services at social services and ask them to do a needs assessment as a first step.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I spent the last few years looking after my mother with frontal temporal lobe dementia, it was the worst few years of my life until she passed away. My dad was living with her and his memory was bad, i sort of kept everything going, keeping my mum at home as this had always been her wish. I had no life did everything for them.

Roll on a year and a half later, i am looking after my dad who has been diagnosed with alzheimers. I am round there helping him to stay independent, despite his memory failing. Now out of the blue come the accusations. I have stolen his house, i am untrustworthy etc he is telling other family members. they all say take no notice, easier said than done, it is very hurtful when all i have done is look after them. I have never asked for anything and certainly not money unlike one of my siblings. If he needs anything i am there, i drop what i am doing to put him first.

I am not sure if i should keep away for a bit? he is getting very aggressive with me and being rude when i call, putting the phone down. Next minute he seems ok. he says he wants to go to a home to be looked after, next he will accuse me of locking him up!

Any advice will be appreciated

As others have said, your father is no longer independent. Much as you would like him to be, he isn't . What would happen if you stepped back? My mother-in-law was constantly accusing family members of stealing, we just ignored it ,easily said I appreciate. Personally, I would make yourself less available. If you have POA for finances and he is self funding, organise carers. You said yourself, looking after your mother was the worst. Don't make it another version of the same

 

[pappy]

Hi, i do have power of attourney shared with my brother as i did not think just one of should have full control and i did not want all the responsibility, thinking back my dad has always been a suspicious man even when i was young. When i say that i am trying to keep him independent i mean things like staying in his home, shopping and paying for things in the supermarket, it is easier to do these things for him but i want him to carry on whilst he can, he will hate any sort of residential care. I am worried that when i am not there he is searching for things that he has hidden away. I was just wondering if i need to take a step back or if me being around is making him worse?

 

[pappy]

Just to clarify, my mums illness progressed so quickly, i am happy that i did what i could for her wishes. I was just saying it was not easy i look back and do not know how i managed. I suppose i just feel sad that despite everything i try and do things are not easy. It is not easy being accused of things you have not or would never do

 

[Spamar]

Eventually needs are more important than wants. It may be you have to wait for problems to arise, though. His money should be used for all his needs, by the way.

 

[pappy]

Eventually needs are more important than wants. It may be you have to wait for problems to arise, though. His money should be used for all his needs, by the way.

When we had carers for my mum he was a nightmare. He hated people in his house wouldn't let them in at times etc. I have discussed sheltered housing, residential care, carers, going to a club. The answer is always no. Of course his money should be used for him and his needs i have always told him that! Problem is he will not consent to any care. He still has lucid times so what do you do? Eventually I know decisions will be made in response to his needs rather than what he would want. I just wanted advice for now,

 

[lis66]

Sending (((hugs))) to you pappy at this hard distressing time .

 

[canary]

I am one of the ones whose person with dementia (POA) accused them of stealing and of hitting them. It is very upsetting. Mum would go from saying I was good to her and how much she loved me to within 30 seconds saying how awful I was, I was the daughter from hell, I was stealing from her and just wanted to take her home from her. Sometimes she wouldnt even let me in through the door and then later accuse me of neglecting her. It made my head spin!

Unfortunately, I couldnt get her to accept carers either, because in her mind she was doing everything herself - which was certainly not true. Her behaviour became more and more erratic and unsafe and I was pulling my hair out with worry. Eventually there was the inevitable crisis; she had a TIA, was taken to hospital and from there moved into a care home.

Im not sure that I have much in the way of advice for you, just shed-loads of empathy.
It may well be that you too will have to wait for the crisis before your dad gets the help he needs.

 

[Sirena]

If you don't feel you can make decisions on his behalf yet, there is not much you can do. Stepping back will not necessarily make things better, it will probably make things worse in different ways, but it could be a good idea to do so and see how things unfold. It's often a case of waiting for a crisis to develop. I spent a lot of time I was thinking I was doing the wrong thing - and not enough of it.