What to do: mum is being bullied in Care Home

[Lisa M 99]

Well, it sounds bad and to be honest, i'm not sure just how bad.

Mum has been in care home for 3 weeks now, is settling nicely and loves all of the carers. She thinks that some of the older ladies there are a bit 'funny' (a couple of them decided to strip off and sing and dance in the lounge the other day...) but apart from that nothing too bad......until now that is.

When i was shown around, I was warned that one of the residents was very disliked by all. (She basically thinks that she is better than anyone else) and I discovered today that she has been bullying my mum.

My poor old mum has tried SO hard to settle in and to make friends and get on with people (and she has to an extent) but this older lady is making mum's life hell and she is now very frightened. Now, I THINK that it's only been going on a couple of days as mum didn't mention anything when i visited on Sat but she is aware enough to know when someone is being nasty to her.

The staff are very supportive and say that they are trying to keep them separate but it was so bad that mum didn't want to go down to dinner and she wasn't comfortable telling me the extent of what this lady had said to mum. Apparently she is quite underhanded and mutters things under her breath when mum goes past.

I have had a word with the care staff today and they said that they will keep an eye on things. I don't think they realise how bad it is though. I was thinking of phoning tomorrow and asking to speak with the manager and explaining the extent of the bullying and to ask them all to keep a VERY close eye on things. I just don't like seeing mum so upset....especially when she is making SUCH a big effort to settle in.

I know that this lady is very poorly but there is NO excuse and I am very protective of my mum

Any advice on how to play this gratefully received.

xxx

 

[Brucie]

Hi Lisa

it is a very worrying situation, isn't it?

Have you observed any of it going on?

What exactly does 'bullying' mean in this case? Verbal or physical?

Well worth speaking to the manager of the home because it is often the case that 'difficult' residents need to be watched, almost on a 1-to-1 basis, at least for a time.

 

[Lisa M 99]

Well, bullying in this case has taken a verbal form but apparently it has been constant. My mum is not the sort of person to complain about things like this. She is very laid back about life which is why warning bells rang when she insisted what was going on.

I have met this lady and can see what she is capable of and she has even given ME a couple of evil glares....quite a scary lady.....(to which I just smiled back sweetly), so no although I have not seen any evidence, I am aware that it is happening.

Bottom line, is that I just want mum to be happy. There is a difference between 2 older ladies with dementia not getting on and what my mum has been experiencing. I think that I will ask the staff to keep a much closer eye on this other lady when i call tomorrow. The only comfort to draw is that the staff know what this lady is like as she has a bit of a name for herself.

Fingers crossed it all sorts itself out.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Lisa

thanks for clarifying.

I have experience of a 97 year old in Jan's care home who just never stops vulgar abuse of anyone in sight.

I can leave at the end of a visit, but of course, Jan and the others cannot.

Unfortunately the one thing this person does not have is dementia. She is simply evil.

Staff often wheel her to the farthest corridor and leave her there during visiting times and, because she can't walk, she can simply talk to the walls - which appears to be fine by her. I don't think things are really personal, she simply doesn't want to be there, so takes it out on anyone and everyone.

Worth discussing with the manager, in my view.

 

[TinaT]

It would be impossible for the care staff to completely separate this 'rude' lady completely from the other residents.

My husband took an intense dislike to a male resident during his first weeks in the home. I told the staff about this and they do their best to keep the two men apart. There has been no incident of any violence, just as you say a strong feeling of being 'uncomfortable' for our loved ones.

The Care Home manager only spoke to me today about when he went into the dining room at breakfast time to see Ken seated at the same table as the man. He was very cross with his staff because he has for months stressed to them that the two men were not to be seated together. Ken hasn't mentioned this to me this afternoon and I do feel that he has learned to cope with the man over time.

I have also over the past year watched the man carefully when I have visited. He struck me at first as being rather rude and bad mannered. I later found out that he is almost deaf along with his dementia problems. He is not a 'bad' old man, he is just trapped in his own world and I now view him in a quite different light. But I always agree with my husband that he is a 'horrible' man. My husband gets comfort from feeling that I am 'on his side'.

I would keep on stressing to the staff that your mum needs a lot of help and protection in settling in and will need lots of TLC and understanding. Also each time you visit and come across the woman perhaps you could agree with mum and say that you will both find somewhere else to sit in the home where the woman doesn't go. This did work for me in a similar circumstance to yourself.

Hopefully as time goes on your mum will develp her own little 'friendship' group where she feels secure and happy. Many of the lady residents at my husband's home have this lose 'friendship' group and wander around hand in hand each chatting away and neither listening to the other! But they do take comfort from this. Sometimes I can see immediately I arrive that they have had a 'fall out' but the next day, they have 'made it up' and are once again traversing the corridors hand in hand.

I'm really not making light of your problem. It is a real problem which is spoiling your mum's first few weeks. Hopefully as time goes along she will adjust to this 'horrible' woman and learn to ignore her.

xxTinaT

 

[Lisa M 99]

Hi Lisa

thanks for clarifying.

I have experience of a 97 year old in Jan's care home who just never stops vulgar abuse of anyone in sight.

I can leave at the end of a visit, but of course, Jan and the others cannot.

Unfortunately the one thing this person does not have is dementia. She is simply evil.

Staff often wheel her to the farthest corridor and leave her there during visiting times and, because she can't walk, she can simply talk to the walls - which appears to be fine by her. I don't think things are really personal, she simply doesn't want to be there, so takes it out on anyone and everyone.

Worth discussing with the manager, in my view.

Thanks Brucie. I think that this lady at mum's home is evil too but she also suffers with dementia. It doesn't harm for me to remember that it's nothing personal but it makes me so cross especially as it's really hard to make mum understand this woman is just desparately angry and miserable and is just lashing out.

 

[Lisa M 99]

It would be impossible for the care staff to completely separate this 'rude' lady completely from the other residents.

My husband took an intense dislike to a male resident during his first weeks in the home. I told the staff about this and they do their best to keep the two men apart. There has been no incident of any violence, just as you say a strong feeling of being 'uncomfortable' for our loved ones.

The Care Home manager only spoke to me today about when he went into the dining room at breakfast time to see Ken seated at the same table as the man. He was very cross with his staff because he has for months stressed to them that the two men were not to be seated together. Ken hasn't mentioned this to me this afternoon and I do feel that he has learned to cope with the man over time.

I have also over the past year watched the man carefully when I have visited. He struck me at first as being rather rude and bad mannered. I later found out that he is almost deaf along with his dementia problems. He is not a 'bad' old man, he is just trapped in his own world and I now view him in a quite different light. But I always agree with my husband that he is a 'horrible' man. My husband gets comfort from feeling that I am 'on his side'.

I would keep on stressing to the staff that your mum needs a lot of help and protection in settling in and will need lots of TLC and understanding. Also each time you visit and come across the woman perhaps you could agree with mum and say that you will both find somewhere else to sit in the home where the woman doesn't go. This did work for me in a similar circumstance to yourself.

Hopefully as time goes on your mum will develp her own little 'friendship' group where she feels secure and happy. Many of the lady residents at my husband's home have this lose 'friendship' group and wander around hand in hand each chatting away and neither listening to the other! But they do take comfort from this. Sometimes I can see immediately I arrive that they have had a 'fall out' but the next day, they have 'made it up' and are once again traversing the corridors hand in hand.

I'm really not making light of your problem. It is a real problem which is spoiling your mum's first few weeks. Hopefully as time goes along she will adjust to this 'horrible' woman and learn to ignore her.

xxTinaT

Thanks Tina,
I understand what you are saying, but this woman has been making racist comments to mum and swearing under her breath when mum goes past. She is truly evil and I believe that she is trying to beat mum's spirit down which just boils my blood. I am a teacher and abhore bullying of any kind in the classroom, but feel pretty powerless to do anything to help in this situation. I know that I will worry until i have phoned the manager tomorrow.

As I said, mum has had a couple of harmless spats with some of the ladies but this is different. This woman is malicious and nasty and it's on a WHOLE different level. I know that the carers can't be about 24/7 but I just hope that mum doesn't get too upset or frightened and that things sort themselves out.

 

[Royalslady]

Hi Lisa

I have seen this at my Mum's CH also. I am afraid my Mum has turned out to be as bad as one or two others though. I guess a lot is to do with the illness, some may be their own personality coming out and some is to do with the frustration and anger they have inside of them perhaps?

I am just guessing though. All I know is we want to protect our own - and it hurts when you hear stories of them either being on the receiving end of such 'bullying' or when they have been dishing it out themselves!

All I can do is report what I hear and see and hope that the CH staff are vigilant to this. I am sure in the main they are, as this seems to be quite a common theme in these situations. Playground bullying seems to go full circle!

I hope things get better for your Mum and she settles ok.

xx

 

[Lisa M 99]

Thank you, that's very kind. x

I know that mum can give as good as she gets and normally i wouldn't bat an eye at her complaints but i was astounded by how shaken and upset she seemed at this woman's comments. I think that is what upset me the most.

You are right though, the care staff know what they are doing. I will just keep an eye from a distance.

xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Lisa. I might be speaking out of turn, but not too far of a distance, OK? I recognise that this woman maybe someone else's loved one and it may be the dementia that is causing her to behave this way, but it really is the staff's responsibility to ensure that she doesn't cause other people distress on a regular basis, which is what sounds like is happening. We've all heard stories about homes indicating to family members that they can't cope with a specific resident - perhaps this is the case here. And really I'm sorry if that's the case, but if one resident is causing ongoing distress to several residents, then it's the one resident who needs to be removed from the situation not the rest of the residents who have to cope with it.

 

[Lisa M 99]

Yes you are right Jennifer. I don't intend to stay too far away! The carer's response to my complaint was that this lady was very ill (alongside saying that they will keep mum and her separated), but in my view that is not an excuse.

I will phone the manager tomorrow and guage mum's reactions when I next see her which will be Friday.

xx

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Lisa

Now this is an awkward situation and not to be ignored.

My mum was a very mild, compliant and pleasant lady. She was "latched onto" by a nasty, sarcastic and selfish lady. This lady stole my mum's things and thought it was all a great joke. My mum was frightened of her. The old lady was well advanced with dementia, and unbeknowns to us had physical problems too, including a colostomy bag. It took a couple of months, but whenever I visited mum I made time to talk to this other lady. I discovered that she liked chocolate, so I used to take mum some, and a small bar for Netta too. Netta was delighted. Within a couple of months they were "friends". The relationship was never perfect cos Netta still stole things from mum, like her hairbrush or her lipstick. We didn't get worked up about it. I bought mum a new hairbrush and said to Netta "This is my mum's hairbrush, and this one is yours. Make sure you don't get them mixed up", and the thieving stopped. The nastiness also stopped. I discovered that Netta had absolutely no relatives ever visit her. She was a Scottish lady, her husband was dead, and her relatives were all in Scotland so never came down to Derbyshire. She was jealous of us visiting mum twice a week when she had no visitors at all. So I used to say "Hello. I am here to visit my mum and her friend Netta". She was still a difficult person, but she didn't mean to be, it was a sort of twisted mischeivousness that she had, but it worked with mum. Mum would say, "Netta, you are a ****** but I like you". Then Netta died. And for the first time in my life I witnessed my mum crying.

Try to get the person on your side. Try to find something that she likes that you can share. I know it should be down to the staff to do that, but hey, they are only at NVQ2 level. Find a way of communicating with that person, and I think you will find the bullying will go.

Good Luck

Margaret

 

[Lisa M 99]

Good point Margaret. I will try and do this. Thank you. xx

 

[Amber 5]

Hi Lisa,
I'm so sorry to read about this, but have been interested to read the whole thread with everyone's replies. I hope that with the carer's help that you can stop this nastiness.

I must admit that it is something I have been giving a lot of thought to before moving my mum into a home near me. After living on her own for so long, I am very concerned about how she will react to the others and they to her - quite frankly it scares me at the moment. However, I will heed everyone's advice!

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Best Wishes,
Gill xxx

 

[terry999]

The post by Margaret W - is excellent and shows the sort of thinking you have to use.

This rude/evil Lady has dimentia, so we cannot know if she is really like this

 

[Lisa M 99]

Thanks to all of you for your kind support.

I have a resolution to the situation which i felt I should share!

The Care Home Manager who is LOVELY phoned me this morning to arrange a meeting with her, 2 of the other carers and myself.

They were SO nice and wanted to stop me from worrying which i admit I had been doing. It's just that you hear SO many horror stories about care homes that you never know what might be happening to your mum. Fact is, they are all SO lovely there and they said that it will just take time for me to learn to trust them to deal with things as they arise but that they would involve me if need be.

Apparently although what mum had said was based in truth it wasn't ALL true and mum has been giving as good as she gets! I wouldn't normally jump when she complains but she seemed SO distressed this time that I had to try and do something.

The staff noticed that mum can be very manipulative (which is true) and that she had me wrapped around her finger (whch is also true) and that I needed to make sure that I don't always say when i am going to visit and to steer away from the conversation when mum complains (although to still listen just in case it could be something).

They have also suggested bringing mum to our place for lunch (she only lives a 5 min drive away) or for a walk around a local garden centre, so that she has something else to focus on and to talk about with the other ladies!

The care team are very pleased with how mum is settling in (better than expected) but that I must stop worrying!

Feeling MUCH happier now. Thank you again all. You have been a comfort as always! xx

 

[Skye]

Hi Lisa, that's such good news!

I think manipulation is a standard technique for our loved oned in care, they do love to make us feel guilty!

Having said that, I know you'll continue tokeep an eye on things. Attacks, physical and verbal, do happen in the best-regulated homes, and the staff can't be everywhere.

I hope you continue to be happy with the home, and your mum settles down quickly, and makes friends.

Love,

 

[Amber 5]

Hi Lisa,
I'm so pleased to hear this. It's great that the care home are so open and talking to you and doing their very best to help. I can only imagine what it must do to you to have to leave your mum under those circumstances - you really want the home to be taking things on board which is what it sounds like they are doing.
Hope your mum continues to settle in well.
Best Wishes,
Gill xxx

 

[Lisa M 99]

thanks all, x

fingers crossed she will continue to settle. No one prepares you for how to deal with this situation. It takes a while to re-learn how to handle someone with dementia because although she is my mum she is not the same anymore. I need to regard the home as her HOME and the people there as her extended family and to trust handing her over to their care. Hard to do, but I will try (though still keep a watchful eye from a distance).

These 'storms in a teacup' certainly can be stressful particularly when your mum's just moved into a care home. Note to self: TRY not to worry so much! xx

 

[bootwo]

Pova

Hi Lisa, so sorry your mum is having a bit of a tough time. Dementia or not, no person in a care environment is allowed to menace or bully anyone else. As part of your mums care package there should be a standards agreement which will state she is to expect a safe and caring enviroment to live. There should also be policies in place to deal with this kind of behaviour. The staff should have risk assesments in place ( or be formulating them) to ensure your mum feels safe and secure. Any form of abuse or suspected abuse should be the subject of a Protection Of Vunerable Adults (POVA) inquiry not matter how minor the abuse may seem. It is only by addressing the issues as they arise that care homes and nursing homes can drive the quality of care up. Take up your concerns with the Manager, if you are still unhappy with the offered resolution escalate your concerns to the registering authority. Your mum has the right to feel safe and happy and the perpetrator of the unacceptable actions has the right to help and support with the behaviours which will ultimately lead them to be unable to socialise and partake in life enhancing activities with others. You only have your mum's best interests at heart, your duty of care to her is to make your concerns known. Take care