1. Lancashirelady

    Lancashirelady Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    MUm has gradually been deteriorating over the last 18 months. She can still dress, wash, make herself a cup of tea but she can't remember anything for more than 5 minutes and will let anyone ino the house no matter how many times we tell her not to. She has carers 3 times a day to give her meds/make meals etc and she goes to a couple of day centres but doesn't remember any of it and so is always feeling lonely. She came to stay with us for a week over Christmas and managed to fall out of bed one night, bruising her ribs. She's now in respie care as she couldn;t manage my sairs with her ribs and was also finding it very difficult even to get out of her chair without a lot of pain. She has been in the same home before while we were on holiday and liked it but this time she seems quite muddled and doesn't remember she was there before or how she got there. Her ribs are a lot better now and I can't decide whether we should take her back to her house or leave her in the home. The staff in the home are lovely and I know she will be well looked after and be safe but she still knows it's not her own home and hankers to go back. I feel so guilty but Christmas proved that we couldn't manage to have her live with us and though she would really like the idea of going back home I can't help feeling she would be so much better off in the care home.
  2. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    This time last year we were in exactly the same position. Mum went into respite and then ended up staying at the care home. Even now I'm not sure she realises she lives there but we just had to do it for her own safety. When she was due to leave respite we told her her boiler had broken down and she needed to stay a bit longer. I really hated putting her into care but she is so much cleaner and better looked after and not nearly so anxious. Even now I wish she could come home but she is happy and has company 24/7 and I know it was the right thing to do. My mum used to get herself dressed and make a cup of tea but that stopped all of a sudden and that is when we knew we had to do something. You will know when the time is right and maybe that is now. Good luck.
  3. Lancashirelady

    Lancashirelady Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    Thanks for this. I have been beating myself up wondering whether I am doing this for Mum's benefit or mine - I live 80 miles away from her so can't visit every day though I go twice a week and call her every day - and she is always miserable if she;s on her own, At least in the home she has company. It' s just that she has this idealised vision of home.
  4. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    I am in exactly the same position with my mum. She lives alone but I visit every day to do meals and tablets. She can get herself up and dressed and make a cup of tea. She also takes the dog out but like your mum she would let anyone in to the house and put the electric kettle on the gas hob last week ( gas now turned off). She keeps taking her sleeoing tablet ( which I leave in a pot next to her bed with a big sign on it ) during the day. She is getting increasing muddled, hallucinating about animals and children and phoning up asking when we are picking her up to take her home. She is often crying. When she is with people her mood us great. I popped in last night at 7 and she told me she fell over in the shower and then was putting her shoes on as she wanted to go out the front (in the rain) to look down the road.

    We are going to try a carer in for an hour early evening every day from next week plus an extra afternoon visit at the weekends. I know this is not going to be a long term solution and I am constantly worried about her but she is very attached to her dog and will hate to leave her, which is another obstacle.
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    "I'm fine."
    "I can manage perfectly well!"
    "I do all my own shopping/cooking."
    "There's nothing wrong with my memory, I well remember the day war broke out. Now where's my glasses?"

    Hands up all those who have had this conversation, whilst looking around at the actual situation.
    There comes a time when the best care we can give, is not at home, but in a Home.
    We may not like it, they certainly won't agree to it.
    But after settling in, it was a move for the best, for everyone.

    Whose hand is up.
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi Lancashirelady
    You are doing it to benefit BOTH your mother and yourself - and that is all to the good, because you matter equally. You have your mum's best interests at heart, that's clear.

    As do you, betsie :)

    Each of you has to do what you honestly think is best in the very real circumstances (not in some fantasy situation where we all have our parents at home, happy and content - sadly for some of us, it just isn't that way).

    My hand's up with Bod's

    best wishes to you both
  7. LizzyA

    LizzyA Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Near Reading
    This all sounds familiar. My mum says that she hasn't seen/spoken to anyone....for ages (when I know that she's seen me, carers, spoken to brothers/neighbours etc). I've mentioned the idea of a home as she seems so lonely, but she is adamant that she couldn't ever leave her home. She's also turned down day care on numerous occasions, moaned about the befriender that she had for a while....etc. It's such a dilemma isn't it but at least your mum is safe and looked after in the home. I would encourage her to stay there!
  8. LizzyA

    LizzyA Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Near Reading
    We have the dog issue too!! My mum loves her dog but he's a major obstacle to her effective care as he's aggressive to strangers.
  9. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    We can also identify with the dog issue - mum is hugely attached to the most revolting little dog. (we do like dogs just not this one!) Some of that worry was lessened when mum was in hospital last year as she felt very detached from the dog - she didn't seem to be able to miss him, he felt quite abstract, she was thrilled to see him when she came home several weeks later but he certainly wasn't missed as I had anticipated during that stay.

    Now we are starting to look at respite care with a view to the fact that eventually it will have to be full time care I do worry about the dog but really hope that her feelings are the same as before.
  10. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    My hand is also up with Bod's.

    My mother said everything was fine, she had no problems, she could take care of herself, she just wanted to be left alone. She has Alzheimer's, fairly advanced, but did a tremendous job of "covering" for it. Only one of her neighbours suspected what was really going on.

    The reality included:
    -she didn't sleep
    -she didn't eat and lost a huge amount of weight
    -she was in a state of constant anxiety about everything, all the time, and was miserable
    -she had almost no social contact/was isolated except for about 2 hours a week
    -wasn't bathing
    -wasn't doing any laundry
    -was still driving although it wasn't safe for her or anyone else (I still have nightmares about what could have happened) and she'd had two minor accidents
    -was legally blind in her left eye because she refused to get her eyes checked and new glasses fitted
    -could no longer read or see the television, her two main hobbies
    -was taking all her medications wrong and self-medicating with God knows what, and making herself sick
    -was having falls and injuries
    -was suffering terrible pain from her arthritis
    -was living in filth, with spoiled food in the fridge and pantry and cupboards
    -was a hazard to herself and everyone in her building with her smoking

    And the list goes on.

    This story ended with my mum found wandering early one cold winter morning, no coat, lost, hallucinating, and injured. (Thanks forever to the kind Samaritan who found her and got help.) She went to hospital, stayed 12 days, had her meds sorted, and was diagnosed with dementia and discharged to a care home. To say she wasn't pleased is an understatement, but it's been almost a year now and she is clean, gets her medications when she needs them, has the best pain management she has ever had, put back the weight she lost, gets nutritious meals, lives somewhere clean, and has company and activities and even friends. I can sleep at night and not worry she will kill herself or someone else or have all her money stolen (we did lose a little to scams, but not much, for which I'm also thankful) or burn down her building or call me, terrified at 3 am. And she's a few miles away, instead of a hundred miles.

    I'm so sorry for anyone in this situation. It's so difficult, and it's so challenging to see what the answer is. Just remember, you are not a bad person, it's not your fault, and you are not the enemy! This horrible disease is the only enemy here.
  11. Cardan

    Cardan Registered User

    Jan 23, 2016
    It is such a relief to read all the comments which echo my recent experience with my mother going into a care home because at 95 she can no longer look after herself properly and safely. Mum has dementia which she denies and gets angry at being in a care home. It is early days so I am hoping she will settle but I know she is homesick and I feel bad that I cannot find a solution that will make her happy. It makes it worse when she says she wishes she was dead as nobody wants her. Very tough to hear when you are doing your best.
  12. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    It may take some time for her to settle, 3weeks-3months, she may never be happy being there, BUT, and its a big "but" where is she better looked after?
    Luckly with dementia the memory is affected, so there will come a time when memories of "home" fade, and the present is lived in, more than the past.
    Good luck and you've done the best for her.

  13. AnneED

    AnneED Registered User

    Feb 19, 2012
    East Yorkshire UK
    Hand up too! And my mum is presently fairly safe and well at home but I know that won't be for ever and I know that when she goes into a home she won't realise how long she's been there, or that she's there permanently. She'll know that she's there for a break and she'll never be told by me that she's 'not going home'.

    I was preparing to find a home that would accept her cat but she died so Mum is presently pet-less. Some will take pets, (there's an online list somewhere though can't remember quite where) though cats I think go down better than dogs, because of care needed. If a dog goes to family, most will accept dog visitors; if a dog goes elsewhere, many accept other dogs (PAT dogs and so forth) and in some the staff bring in a dog as they are so welcomed by most residents.

    The Cinnamon Trust are great at providing dog walking and dog care for those who can't manage this and will rehome pets often to the same sort of home - an elderly or infirm person but someone who can still manage their older pet. They'll provide foster carers for periods of time (ie hospitalisation)

    A friend of mine has had Cinnamon dog walkers for 4 years since his partner became very ill, and then died, and now he too is ill, still has them for the dog as he can't always manage to go out. One of the elderly people we meet in the park fosters a funny little elderly dog who is walked in her shopping trolley and seems quite happy with her, also through Cinnamon. They depend on volunteers but will do their best.
  14. Cazb85

    Cazb85 Registered User

    Jan 2, 2016
    Omg this is describing my dad!!! Dad can on and off manage dressing/making a cup of tea but 9/10 he will not dress himself correctly (jumper back to front etc).

    I have carers in 3 times a day for 30 mins but it isn't enough. Dad is great when they are there but the loneliness between and after sundown makes it so much worse!!!! Doesn't help that the care company make it worse but not listening and missing calls. Plus social services agreed to instant change to 4 times and two 2 hours per day taking him out. None of which happened and social services are now not ringing me back!!

    I need respite. Saw a home today that has cats, birds, rabbits and chickens!!!! Him missing the dog and cats will be the hardest battle. It is just a bonus the home has them! Manager wasn't there so I will see next week if there is any spaces. No good ones have spaces!!!!!!!!!!

    Thing that upsets me is the constant 'I want to go home' constantly. If he goes into respite I need to remember I got it at home so if I get it in the care home I need to keep strong. I am hoping he likes it in respite so that he stays. Dementia is an awful disease.

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