What relative decides on care

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by suem, Jan 29, 2007.

  1. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    61
    Worcestershire
    After a long road where my husband was adamant he would not go into care even though I couldn't look after him, he agreed for us to start looking at options. This was going reasonably well until my stepson decided he did not want his father to go into care, in spite of the fact he has offered little support over the last 14 years. He said he and his wife would look after him....fine...BUT he wants me to sell my half of our jointly owned house so he can move in!! He wants to get involved with social services etc and make the decisions. I really don't think most of the time my husband can make a decision. Does anyone know in this situation who has final say when relatives are in dispute. I am afraid my stepson will influence my husband into doing something to get hold of the house.
    thanks
     
  2. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi suem

    sounds as though you might need some legal advice about this or someone able to point you in the right direction, perhaps the alzheimers society in your area or citizens advice could let you know what your rights are, i wouldnt let your stepson do anything till you get advice.
    good luck
     
  3. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I think you should talk to the Alzheimer's society help line - do you have power of attorney? perhaps you should arrange that? It is a fairly straight forward DIY form which needs one witness.. once you have it registered you have even more control on the situation.. do not be bullied by greedy relatives... several other threads about that at the moment -- its not unusual -- relatives see the £ sign and go where angels fear to tread.......
     
  4. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hi Suem

    What a caring, sharing stepson you have. :eek: I think you need to tell him that in the words of the late Princess Di ... "the marriage will be a bit crowded" ... with four of you under the same roof. He certainly has more neck than a giraffe by the sounds of it. Whilst it's admirable he's offering help (having watched you do it on your own for 14 years), I'd definitely question his motives. Kerchang! :) Was he carrying a calculator? I'd seek some legal advice as quickly as you can and put your mind at rest.
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Suem

    What a shame that your step-son is being so unpleasant.. My step-sons are not as helpful as I would like, but at least they recognise that I make the decisions (I consult them, of course, but I've usually made my own mind up first!)


    Michael is right, Power of Attorney would give you more power, but if you haven't already done that it may be too late.

    Is your house in joint names with your husband? If so there is nothing your step-son or husband can do to make you sell your half. I would doubt if your step-son could even persuade your husband to sell his half to him, I would think you could challenge that, considering your husband's condition.

    You have the authority to make decisions, unless your step-son has POA for your husband, and even then he has no power over you.

    In your place I would resist any suggestion of your SS & wife moving in -- it sounds as if they would take control completely.

    But I agree that you need to take legal advice, if only to reinforce your position.

    Stay strong, and good luck
     
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Suem, have sent you a pm. Take care sweetheart, Connie
     
  7. kindheart

    kindheart Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007
    39
    hi suem

    Sorry to hear of your family troubles, this illness seems to bring out the worst in some people.

    Get legal advise asap.

    ensure you obtain either and epa or become a receiver for your husband both of these really deal with any financial desicisions.

    But I think and you can check this with someone in the legal profession as his wife that make you his next of kin and therefore you have the authority to make decisions regarding his care if he is not able to do so himself, but this would be covered by the mental capacity act 2005. A solicitor should be able to help you, make sure you write down all the questions you wish to ask before visiting as you can easily be sidetracked or your emotional envolvement might make you forget something you wished to ask.

    good luck and let us know how you got on.
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    When my parents finally decided it was time to go into a Home my brother (who has always been the black sheep of the family to put it mildly!) decided he would move into a caravan in their back yard and care for both of them. This patently ridiculous situation would have meant him leaving his wife and teenage daughter. It would also have meant him actually DOING something for once in his life!!! Fortunately my sisters and I just refused to consider the option and he eventually backed down, but not before considerable ill feelings were expressed.

    In one way we were fortunate because there were 3 of us to 1 of him, and as our sibling, we met on even terms. Also the peroposal did not involve the sale of assets or such.

    You would be wise to get legal advice as others have suggested.

    Perhaps you could suggest that your stepson move into your home for a trial period of 6 months, during which time you will relinquish the care of your husband (his father) entirely to him. If at the end of this period all 3 of you are truly happy with the arrangement :rolleyes: , you will consider selling your half of the house!!!!!

    Alternatively, you could suggest your husbannd move in with his son for the six months, thereby giving you a break, and allowing your step son to see if full time care of his father is something he wishes to commit to long term. :rolleyes:

    I realise you wouldn't want to do either of the above but it might test your stepson's resolve if there was no immediate monetary gain for him!! I may be very mistrusting, but I feel sure your step son would very quickly find a way to put his father into care and displace you from your home, if you followed his suggestion.

    These people in families who do nothing or next to nothing and then want to ride in on white chargers at the last minute are nothing but a hindrance to those of us who have done the "hard yards".

    I hope you can find a solution that meets your needs as well as those of your husband and *&^%$%^&* to your stepson!
    Thinking of you, Nell
     
  9. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    61
    Worcestershire
    Thankyou everyone for advice.
    Yesterday I went to see solicitor. As next of kin I have all legal rights and as everything is in joint names, power over everything. The other concern the solicitor could see was if my stepsons persuaded my husband to do a EPA in their favour but it would be unlikely to be upheld as I am a wife with whom he lives and they would have to go to court to prove I had done something wrong. However as a further safeguard I will apply for EPA if the GP considers my husband capable of making one and that will endorse it further. IF I did agree to sell my half...which I won't, my stepson will not benefit as the house is willed to me. Also the CPN and social worker are happy to talk to my stepsons and explain why I have made this decision for him to go into care and they would be unlikely to cope with him. So they are supporting me.
    Families.....pain in the *%*%.
     
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Well done Sue - you sound to have got the situation under control now. Use the support that you have rallied, and don't allow yourself to be intimidated.
    Love Helen
     
  11. kindheart

    kindheart Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007
    39
    Good for you Suem

    I hope this help put your mind at rest, however I fully appreicate the deversating effect that family discord (to put it mildy) can have on a carer.

    But just to let you know thinking of you and well done.
     
  12. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Well done Sue. Looks like you cracked it........
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Well done, Suem. You know now that you have control. Go for the EPA, and if they get stroppy, just wave it in their faces.

    Love,
     
  14. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi suem

    good for you, so pleased you got it sorted!!
    well done x
     
  15. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542

    Sue,

    Well done! Really pleased for you. Your quote, above, is just so apt! Hope your mind can rest a little easier now.

    Best wishes
     

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