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poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
So, my brother and his wife are visiting for the first time in 9 months - Mum is really bad this week - suspect a urine infection as the 'wee' smell is strong. She point blank refuses to see her GP and I think they feel that I should be somehow making her do this. They have had to clean her house as it was pretty bad but she had refused to let me do it - or to help her do it. She has been really bad since they arrived - very confused etc. She usually manages not too badly for a 93 year old but at the moment I am being made to feel that she is incapable of living on her own and I should 'do something'. What can I do without bullying her?
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Hello poppywillow and welcome.

I'm afraid my first thought was - you could let them take over and see just how hard it is to make someone do something they don't want to do.

As they seem to know it all, take a step back and let them get on with it. Make the most of your new found freedom while they struggle to do the things that you've been doing.

Sorry, don't mean to be flippant but it's just so hard to get through to some people, isn't it?

Big hugs.
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
Hello poppywillow and welcome.

I'm afraid my first thought was - you could let them take over and see just how hard it is to make someone do something they don't want to do.

As they seem to know it all, take a step back and let them get on with it. Make the most of your new found freedom while they struggle to do the things that you've been doing.

Sorry, don't mean to be flippant but it's just so hard to get through to some people, isn't it?

Big hugs.

Thank you so much!! However they are going home again on Sunday and will be 400 miles away and I will be left with the usual problems. They realise how awkward Mum can be but my sis in law (who had power of attorney with her mum) thinks I should do the same and then just make mum do whatever I say. This is not my way of doing things - they don't understand.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
And if only it was that simple, eh? Your mum wouldn't react any differently, I'm sure, if you had POA. How did your SiL 'make' her mum do things? Perhaps she could try her techniques on your mum and see how far she gets!

Oooh, she sounds like a bit of a smarty pants :D. Try not to let her get you down. But you know your mum better than she does, end of.

xx
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
And if only it was that simple, eh? Your mum wouldn't react any differently, I'm sure, if you had POA. How did your SiL 'make' her mum do things? Perhaps she could try her techniques on your mum and see how far she gets!

Oooh, she sounds like a bit of a smarty pants :D. Try not to let her get you down. But you know your mum better than she does, end of.

xx
She says that as she had POA she could insist that her Mum did whatever she wanted! Had to see GP etc... Just doesn't seem right to me..She 'made ' her Mum move from the family home to a flat and 'made' her have social work input to ' keep her safe'..maybe I am too soft?
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,314
Horsham, West Sussex
It's so annoying when you are doing your very best and someone comes along as says 'you should' do this or that,if it was only that simple eh? Having POA doesn't mean you can make someone do what they don't want to as you know.

It's difficult isn't it, if she won't let you help. Could you suggest a spring clean, if that's something that she did? I wonder what your sister is a would suggest? Does your mum ever go out to a day centre or visiting anyone, and you could have a clean round then?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,562
South coast
Dont you just love people who know exactly how to run your life, even though they are not there most of the time? :rolleyes:

On a different tack - if you think your mum has a UTI can you get a sample that you can take to her GP without her having to go herself? An infection could well be the reason that your mum is worse as the moment and its not a good idea to leave it untreated.
 

susy

Registered User
Jul 29, 2013
801
North East
Families eh! I'm sure they will be full of help and assistance once they are 400 miles away again.

As for the UTI, I phone my dad's GP they get a prescription ready for antibiotics and I pick up a sample pot. Getting the sample I have found is easy.... dr said you have to wee in this.... Job done. (I wish everything was as easy)

On another note, something to amuse you I hope. My son, 23, took round a mcdonalds for my mum n dad. (A rare treat) my dad didn't know what to do with the mcflurry. It had a plastic spoon out the top, he watched my mum to see what to do, she must of had a sip of her drink because he started sucking on the handle of the spoon. After much hilarity which he joined in with, my mum showed him it was in fact a spoon so he could now eat it. Bless.
 

nicoise

Registered User
Jun 29, 2010
1,806
So that's how your SIL dealt with her own mum - good for her.

But her mum is not your mum, and doubtless they are very different people... As you and your SIL are.

Carry on as you are, your brother and SIL will be back home 400 miles away shortly.

I used to get that from people, but they didn't know my mum - whilst a gentle, good natured person, even with dementia there was no way I could have made her do anything she didn't want to herself, even if there were times I would have dearly wanted to force my opinions on her, however well meant.... :rolleyes:
 

Caroleca

Registered User
Jan 11, 2014
331
Ontario canada
Wouldn't it be nice if those who live so far away could just come and have a relaxing visit? Put her back on the shelf for another 9 months...sometimes it feels so sad that you can't get some meaningful advice that is worth grasping at.
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
Thanks everyone for your input - I will try phoning the GP to see if I can get an antibiotic for her. I really have never seen her as bad as she has been this week. She doesn't go out much at all, other than to hospital appts etc which I take her to. But she has been very contented at home, pottering about, watching TV and sleeping - until now. Maybe things will settle down again when her visitors go!
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,490
66
Toronto, Canada
Poppywillow, the one thing your SIL said that makes sense is the fact she has PoA for her mother. I think you should get one for your mother also - for both financial and health and welfare. It's not about 'making' your mother do things, it's about needing those documents as time goes on.

If she is willing to go to hospital appointments, is there any way that can be turned so she would see her GP? If she complains about a headache or anything, I would leap on it as an excuse to go to the GP. You might mention that you were just in to see your GP for a standard check up. Perhaps that might help.

Keep asking gently. One time she might say yes.
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
Hi Canadian Joanne- I have tried before to persuade her to allow POA and she refuses that too! But at least I have now got her an antibiotic for her UTI - via a bit of - well - lying, basically. She has borderline diabetes so I told her that the GP needed a sample to check her sugar levels - and I would drop it off. Now I will tell her that he found a UTI too - it is so bad to have to lie like this to a loved one. A few years ago all this would have horrified her..
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
And also - however bullying I might feel sis in law is, she has managed to clean Mum's house, change her bedding etc etc - think I need to be a bit firmer - not in my nature really.
 

susy

Registered User
Jul 29, 2013
801
North East
Well done your SIL for cleaning the house. That's a great start for you as they leave. Keeping on top of it take energy that can be zapped by caring but do try, I think it will make you feel better. You are doing really well, don't judge yourself harshly. As for telling lies to get a sample... As long as your mum is happy and cared for then lie away xxxxx
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,490
66
Toronto, Canada
About the PoA, would presenting it as "something we might need in the future, otherwise the government might step in" help? I know some people have a bee in their bonnets about the 'government' taking over.

I know that telling lies is so very hard but you must think of them as love lies, lies that are to help your mother.
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
Well done your SIL for cleaning the house. That's a great start for you as they leave. Keeping on top of it take energy that can be zapped by caring but do try, I think it will make you feel better. You are doing really well, don't judge yourself harshly. As for telling lies to get a sample... As long as your mum is happy and cared for then lie away xxxxx
Thank you susy!!
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
About the PoA, would presenting it as "something we might need in the future, otherwise the government might step in" help? I know some people have a bee in their bonnets about the 'government' taking over.

I know that telling lies is so very hard but you must think of them as love lies, lies that are to help your mother.
Might try that - thank you so much!
 

poppywillow

Registered User
Mar 29, 2015
17
So they are going home tomorrow - leaving me feeling as if I have been neglecting Mum. They think I should involve Social services as she is 'vulnerable' - I know she will be angry if I do this. I feel really fed up and depressed as I really believed that I was doing my best for her, allowing her to live as independent a life as possible. Just don't know what to do now..
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,079
Brazil
To easy your future contacts with doctors and hospitals I would advise you to get a POA.

Maybe it can be interesting SS have your mom on their radar. (However I don't think they provide cleaners)

On early stages independence is important. If she is loosing weigh, not eating proper food, not taking her pills then some intervention is necessary. All that you have described is a dirty home and a bully SIL.

About your mother being angry if you call SS. She may be, and she may forget it.
 
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