what happens if i dont want to have lasting power.

[smailes]

Could anybody offer advice to me please. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother never have and definitely not likely to. I'm her only child in the UK and now that she's developed memory problems (still awaiting an official diagnosis) it's kinda left to me to sort everything out for her. I think I'm doing the best I can and in six weeks I've managed to speak to her go, she's had a memory test, a brain scan, been appointed a social worker and I'm in the process of trying to get my head round her finances which are in ruins.
My mother's gp suggested in the beginning of this that I should think about getting lasting power of attorney started and initially I agreed but the more I think about it I realise that I'm going to have to be more involved with mother's care.
Speaking honestly I don't want to be involved. At all. What do I do now. Everything I've done so far has been through duty of care not from a loving emotional sense.
So far things haven't been that difficult to organise because I'm quite a practical person but I can sense that this road hasn't even begun at all.
With no thanks and gratitude from my mother this is definitely making walking away easier but I'm just not sure how I go about doing so in a humane way. Do I speak to her GP or her social worker?
Do I tell my mother what I think? I know she'll try and emotionally blackmail me. Saying I'm all she's got and you have to!
Do I? Is it acceptable to walk away? When is an acceptable time? If I don't become her attorney who makes the decisions?
I'm sure some of you will say If you can live with yourself go ahead. It's one of those things that I don't know what's for best.
Me I think in a selfish sort of way I need to look after myself. It feels like ive been
dealt such a cruel blow. Firstly she wasn't there for me growing up yet I'm expected to be there for her now. It just doesn't compute to me.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Could anybody offer advice to me please. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother never have and definitely not likely to. I'm her only child in the UK and now that she's developed memory problems (still awaiting an official diagnosis) it's kinda left to me to sort everything out for her. I think I'm doing the best I can and in six weeks I've managed to speak to her go, she's had a memory test, a brain scan, been appointed a social worker and I'm in the process of trying to get my head round her finances which are in ruins.
My mother's gp suggested in the beginning of this that I should think about getting lasting power of attorney started and initially I agreed but the more I think about it I realise that I'm going to have to be more involved with mother's care.
Speaking honestly I don't want to be involved. At all. What do I do now. Everything I've done so far has been through duty of care not from a loving emotional sense.
So far things haven't been that difficult to organise because I'm quite a practical person but I can sense that this road hasn't even begun at all.
With no thanks and gratitude from my mother this is definitely making walking away easier but I'm just not sure how I go about doing so in a humane way. Do I speak to her GP or her social worker?
Do I tell my mother what I think? I know she'll try and emotionally blackmail me. Saying I'm all she's got and you have to!
Do I? Is it acceptable to walk away? When is an acceptable time? If I don't become her attorney who makes the decisions?
I'm sure some of you will say If you can live with yourself go ahead. It's one of those things that I don't know what's for best.
Me I think in a selfish sort of way I need to look after myself. It feels like ive been
dealt such a cruel blow. Firstly she wasn't there for me growing up yet I'm expected to be there for her now. It just doesn't compute to me.

It's a horrible dilemma isn't it? I sympathise, as my father and I never had a good relationship, but in later life he needed help. Like you, I didn't want to be responsible for him, and he wouldn't have trusted me if I had asked him for Power of Attorney, but I managed to help him as time went by just out of pity for the poor angry old man he became.

Here on TP several people have said that no one is legally obliged to be responsible for another.

 

[2jays]

Hi

I don't have answers as to what happens if you walk away as far as finances are concerned. There will be someone on here who will know the process.

I think it's perfectly ok to "walk away" emotionally if this is how you feel.

In fact, in some way your mum may get more input from the social services, than if you were there being a "free" carer, and therefore only get involved when you were on your knees with exhaustion.

I think there could come a time when duty becomes true bitterness and neither of you deserve that in your lives.

You know for yourself what is the right thing to do for yourself.

Just be aware, that even though you are doing what is right for you, and ultimately mum, that the guilt monster may visit you. Keep strong and ignore that guilt monster telling you it's your duty to continue caring for mum

I totally understand how you feel. I did my duty to mum, and as soon as I felt I was being asked to do more for mum than I was prepared to do, I made sure she was cared for by others, and she moved into a good care home.

I had Carers breakdown whilst mum was still in what "others" thought quite early days. I'm beginning to understand that this was caused by my internal battle between duty and the feeling I have to walk away..... the guilt monster winning, pushing me further than I should have gone with my duty.

Mum is self financing, so it was easier for me than if she was LA funding. I do have POA for finance. As to health and welfare POA I haven't registered it and I'm not sure if I ever will register it.

I know what I did what was right for my mum. I made sure everything was in place that was for her benefit. I haven't quite fully walked away, I still do duty visits to mum, but it is getting easier to extend the time between duty visits as I know she is in a place that she is well cared for and is as content as she can be

My guilt monster still visits my shoulder, whispering things in my ear which occasionally are not easy to ignore.








Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[ASH74]

Oh this is a horrible position to be in.....my hubby has a poor relationship with his mother.....always has....she wasn't a good mother to him. We at the moment are dealing with his dads AZD.....so we have to deal with her.....we have had lots of conversations about if FIL goes first how involved will we be with her.

I would speak with the SW and don't be bullied, tell them that you can't do it! I don't know much about POA but you can appoint professional Deputies, solicitors will happily do that (at a cost). The SW will have experience and should be able to guide you.

Sorry I can't be more help, but I can offer a bit of empathy x.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Witzend]

You cannot be compelled to do this. Some people do not in any case have any relatives to act for them. As I understand it, there is the Court of Protection for such cases, and for those whose relatives prefer not to take it on. It is quite an undertaking, after all. I believe the C of P takes quite a while to set up, though, and charges a fair bit, but then so would a solicitor taking on power of attorney.

I don't think you should be afraid to tell the SW that you are not prepared to take this on.

 

[Delphie]

If you walk away professionals take over. Social workers will decide what's in her best interests and the Court of Protection will appoint a Deputy, someone like a solicitor, to handle the finances.

As a last act of kindness, I would urge you to make it crystal clear that you are walking away and that she is a vulnerable adult, so the social services are under no illusions.

After that, go, and feel no guilt.

 

[Owly]

When you say her finances are "in ruins", do you mean they are all in a mess, or she has hardly any funds?

There are 2 kinds of LPA, one for Finance, and one for Health and Social Care.

You can feasibly leave the latter kinds of decisions to the health & social care professionals when necessary, and they will not "charge" (although they may charge for carers, depending on how much money Mum has).

However getting someone to look after Mum's finances will cost Mum because it will be a legal professional who has to take it over and this will be pricey. Someone will eventually have to check her post for bills and bank statements as they arise and deal with the sundries of making sure there is money to buy food and everything else that she needs on a daily basis.

An ideal solution would be for you to get the financial POA so you can handle all that, while telling the authorities that you can have no part in Mum's actual day to day care. It will mean she will more likely go into residential care sooner than she would if you were there on a daily or even regular basis.

 

[2jays]

It will mean she will more likely go into residential care sooner than she would if you were there on a daily or even regular basis.

Which, in my opinion, isn't always such a bad thing.

Mum thrived being in care "early". She wasn't cold, hungry and had someone there 24/7 and she was at a level she was able to respond and interact with the Carers and activities that are available.

Better she goes into care "early" than be left at home without 24/7 support .


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Raggedrobin]

I agree with Owly. If you are a practical sort of person perhaps it is best to handle her financial affairs for her with LPA for finance but make clear to social services that you are not going to be involved in her care. So you would feel you were doing something but it would be less emotive than the care side, you could just do your best to make sure her finances are used as well as possible for her care, or her debts are properly cleared or whatever. But indeed, you need to be clear with social services if you are walking away from care that that is what is happening. i suppose not even being involved with finance does make the break.

 

[smailes]

thanks everyone

Thank you so much for your responses. It's made it a bit clearer and I have been trying to do the financial bit much more than the caring side. Unfortunately all she has financially is her state pension which is roughly about £600 per month. She owes so many agencies so much money. She wouldn't be able to afford much herself. Definitely not solicitors fees. Maybe just getting the financial power of attorney would be the best option. I think she has quite a good GP so maybe talking to them and to her social worker is the way forward.
Going into residential care early sounds like the best option to me to but unfortunately she wouldn't dream of hearing that from me. Not one bit. Anything I have to say on anything has never been taken seriously.
I suppose it's something I have to work through myself really and hope that whatever decision on come to is the best for everybody. A part of me doesn't want to walk away completely as there's that voice in my head that keeps popping up or as everyone calls it 'The Guilt Monster' saying "she's your mother and you're her only daughter.
If I relinquished the caring part to social services does that mean I wouldn't be able to find out anything else about her? Would they not have to tell me anything if I asked them?
Of course what I want is for this to just go away and to get back to my life without my mother which I had been doing before this all started.
Where's my sense of duty?? Maybe I inherited it from my mother

 

[Saffie]

Unfortunately all she has financially is her state pension which is roughly about £600 per month.

Just to say that is the state pension is really all your mother has and if she doesn't own her own house, then you don't need LPA, you just need a DWP Appointeeship which will allow you to manage your mother's pensions and expenses from them.

 

[Isabella]

Just to say that is the state pension is really all your mother has and if she doesn't own her own house, then you don't need LPA, you just need a DWP Appointeeship which will allow you to manage your mother's pensions and expenses from them.

I was told the same thing so I didn't go for LPA at first as DWP said LPA was not needed as my mum didn't have any money. However this eventually caused massive problems with dealing with my mum's bank account, when she kept losing her card, forgetting her PIN etc. SS also told me that she would never be able to move into extra care housing because she didn't have capacity to sign the lease (no kidding!) and that I would need LPA if it ever came up that I had to sign the lease for her. You don't necessarily need to act on it and if the donee is on certain benefits they don't have to pay for it, but it may be worth getting just in case before it is too late.

 

[smailes]

Just to say that is the state pension is really all your mother has and if she doesn't own her own house, then you don't need LPA, you just need a DWP Appointeeship which will allow you to manage your mother's pensions and expenses from them.

Oh thank you so much for that advice I've never heard of that. I think I may have solved the problem with the bank though because I've managed to open up a joint bank account with my mum which she was happy to agree to, only because she thinks i'll be paying her a wage but actually I've requested her pension gets paid into this so I can pay all her bills from it. I have even managed to obtain the bank card from her so she won't be able to use it. I'm still waiting to hear whether the DWP about that if that doesn't work I will definitely be in touch. In fact I'm going to email them tomorrow. Does the DWP require doctor certificates do you know ?

 

[Saffie]

I'm sorry I really don't' know the answer to that. The information about Appointee ship is what I've gleaned from TP. I had Deputyship. I can't see why they would though. Best of luck.

Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[smailes]

I was told the same thing so I didn't go for LPA at first as DWP said LPA was not needed as my mum didn't have any money. However this eventually caused massive problems with dealing with my mum's bank account, when she kept losing her card, forgetting her PIN etc. SS also told me that she would never be able to move into extra care housing because she didn't have capacity to sign the lease (no kidding!) and that I would need LPA if it ever came up that I had to sign the lease for her. You don't necessarily need to act on it and if the donee is on certain benefits they don't have to pay for it, but it may be worth getting just in case before it is too late.

Hi Isabelle, I kind of responded to your thread in a response to saffie as well. Thank you for your advice. I expect if I leave the health and Welfare LPA and inform my mothers social worker I do not want the responsibility of her care then she may just by- pass extra care housing like sheltered accommodation and go straight to residential I believe.
What to do?

 

[Chemmy]

Which, in my opinion, isn't always such a bad thing.

Mum thrived being in care "early". She wasn't cold, hungry and had someone there 24/7 and she was at a level she was able to respond and interact with the Carers and activities that are available.

Better she goes into care "early" than be left at home without 24/7 support .


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Couldn't agree more. My MIL is thriving, physically and emotionally, after just two months in her CH after years of living like a hermit, underfed in semi-squalor. (Her choice)

That wasn't 'retaining her independence', it was more like a prison sentence, and a solitary one at that.

 

[zeeeb]

If this is how you feel now, at the beginning, i personally wouldn't take on the role. It will get alot harder, and even for the most loving, caring relationships, it gets difficult. It's a very thankless task being a carer, and often the carer bears the brunt of all the abuse, accusations and hallucinations.

I would definitely not take on the role unless you are prepared to fully commit. if she has no money and owes money to many, the social workers may be the best ones to sort this out for her. if you step in, it's often hard to enlist the help of others because they'll just assume you'll sort everything out and leave it up to you.

not an easy decision to make of course, and not without some guilt. i don't envy you at all.

 

[lin1]

Oh thank you so much for that advice I've never heard of that. I think I may have solved the problem with the bank though because I've managed to open up a joint bank account with my mum which she was happy to agree to, only because she thinks i'll be paying her a wage but actually I've requested her pension gets paid into this so I can pay all her bills from it. I have even managed to obtain the bank card from her so she won't be able to use it. I'm still waiting to hear whether the DWP about that if that doesn't work I will definitely be in touch. In fact I'm going to email them tomorrow. Does the DWP require doctor certificates do you know ?

I don't wish to cause you any more worry, If the banks come to believe a person has lost capacity to manage their accounts, they can freeze joint accounts.
Hopefully this wont happen , their are several on here who are managing their caree's accounts in this way.

 

[Tin]

DWP did a home visit. Mum and I had to answer a few questions, they filled in the forms mum and I signed what we had to and they left copies. It took about 2 months, now all of mums pension and any other benefits are paid in to my account. They did not ask for a doctors certificate just took name of surgery. The whole process was easy and the guys were very polite and understanding. I now keep monthly records of everything I spend so there hopefully will be no queries in the future.

 

[Isabella]

My experience was just that someone from DWP came to chat with me and then went to see my mum to chat to her. She was completely baffled of course! It took a while to set up but wasn't complicated and they didn't challenge it.