what do we do?

[SUE/ALAN/UK]

My husband's Mom is a UK citizen but has lived in USA 40+ yrs, we are her closest living relatives. It took us a year to find her after with help from her ex sister in law moved from a care home in CA, where she could only go out with a companion (paid extra per hour), to GA USA to a residential home. The sister in law refused at first to tell us where Mom was until we said we'd send Police to her home. This woman has access to Mom's room in the home, where we know Mom has hidden things (and forgot where she's hidden them), and she's also tried contacting Mom's financial advisor which once Mom found out from her advisor she was livid! I don't trust this woman...
Mom has accused my husband of trying to kill her (when he was at work and even thought he was her dead husband offering to have sex with him, he told his Mom ....Mom it's me...Charlie's dead...She is very paranoid, We have been ok until the last few weeks. We would phone her at same time every morning. I don't think she's taking her meds but my husband has said she can be awkward at best of times. She needs her UK passport renewed, we filled in form added 'post it' notes to every section she had to fill in and post to Washington DC in the SAE envelope we put in along with a step by step through the form in as simple as possible terms. We'd tell her every day to get photographs done..where to get them...on which block everything, and so far as we knew she hadnt done them. 2 weeks ago we received an email from UK passports in Washington saying she hadn't given correct details for payment so we rang and rang for days trying to get hold of her. Eventually we did...I asked her 5 times was it ok to contact her financial advisor the email we received so he could pay her bill...she said yes each time. The next day I asked her agin 3 times to confirm. We sent the guy the email..nothing so we rang the USA and asked that he read and answer the email we'd sent, which once he did he said he'd sort it out.A few days ago we received another email from Passport office saying they'd cancell if not heard or paid within a couple of days , so once again sent this email on to the advisor. We've tried again for days to contact Mom eventually today she answered us and immediately she said her financial advisor had said that my husband wanted money for himself...my husband told his Mom...'Mom...we confirmed it with you 7 or 8 times we contacted the advisor so he could pay it not give us money'.we've emailed the advisor ..we don't know if this is what he has said to her or if she got it wrong as cannot grasp things at all. After an agonising time she agreed she couldn't contact the office to pay herself after we went through what she'd need to do....we were telling her the reference number and asking her to repeat it...it was completely different digits and letters...I took phone and asked if she'd give ME her card number to add to the email...after going through every word and number on the front of her credit card about 30 times we were exhausted. We called the number to an automated number and asked they email or ring us in UK to confirm the payment had gone through so we could ring Mom and put her mind at rest. They rang us a few hours ago...the numbers were wrong. My husband has emailed the advisor and blasted him if he has said this to his Mom. The passport people said it would cost £150 we only get £211 every 2 weeks in benefits and we're going to have to pay it ourselves. We're at our wits end...she is so paranoid and 'takes off' at a moments noticed without anyone knowing. She turned up at Manchester Airport (We live near Newcastle Upon Tyne)...The Police had found her in the airport where she'd been for 2 days ...my husband didn't even know she had left USA. He took her home (we weren't together then) but he had to go to work, when he got home she had baracaded herself into a small bedroom refusing to come out...peeing on the floor in the corner of the room. She'd said she knew my husband was going to kill her...he wasn't even in!! She ran out of the door dropping jewlery and cash as she hurried out, she had Thousands of pounds or dollars? in her bag. She went to airport and we only got in touch with her just after Christmas and that was only because we phoned her old home and the new owners told us where she was. We were in touch a few weeks when she absconded to GA with the help of the ex sister in law. WHAT CAN WE DO?? We don't want to lose contact so we don't contact the accomodation office as she'll think we're invading her privacy or trying to 'take over'...we just need to kno she's safe. She's told us a black man asked her to go home with him for sex while she was in a local park area...She'll never give us the right to deal with her business...She won't buy clothes unless thrift store etc and eats Wendy burger every day to save money yet she has a lot of money which the finacial advisor has and is given an allowance per year but it's obvious she's not answering his calls or paasport office or us when she doesn't want to. We don't know if she's lying to us or has forgotten? We don't know where to turn or do?? PLEASE CAN SOMEONE ADVISE US?

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point.

I'm a UK citizen but a longtime US resident so I can give you an answer or perhaps suggestions to a few of these things.

The first thing I would ask is why does she need a passport? Does she have a US driver's license? Because if it's just for ID I have never been asked for my passport ecept when leaving and entering the country and I'm wondering if this (the ownership of a passport) is really necessary for the stress and problems it's causing. The other thing I wanted to say is: I assume she's US Resident Alien? Because if so, her alien card has almost certainly expired. I know 30 and 40 years ago the alien card was non-expiring (I had one) but a few years ago they changed the rules and I ahd to reapply for a new 10 year one. So even if she had a passport and got to an airport, it's entirely likely that they would look at the card and say no go, and even if she left the country, she probably wouldn't be allowed back in. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

AS to the dealing with the financial adviser, this would be so much easier if you (or rather your husband) had a durable power of attorney for her. I'm really quite surprised that the FA would even talk to your husband without one. However, I'm not quite sure how you could set one up without being there to walk her through it. I just updated my MILs and although she's cognitively fine for a 92 year old, it was more than a little stressful, in part because in my state, at least, these durable power of attorneys take effect immediately, and if you are dealing with a person with paranoia, they can be massively unwilling to let that sort of control go out of their hands. That's always supposing she has the legal capacity to make such a document which is a big if

Have you been in touch with the management of her care home? - when I was in the US and my mother in the UK I found the manager extremely helpful when it came to dealing with paperwork. The other thing I used when I needed to talk to people who wouldn't speak to me without my mother's say so was to make use of 3 way calling, so I would have my mother on the phone, the organization in question and me. They would ask my mother if it was OK for them to talk to me and off we'd go. My mother was very complaint and reliant on me though - again paranoia can make a real difference.

As she's in Georgia, you might want to look here http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/

I don't know how effective they are but it might give you a starting point.

 

[SUE/ALAN/UK]

TY Jennifer. Mom doesn't have a driving licence, she does however have a valid alien card. She already has her UK passport but it has just expired and wants to come and see us, hopefully she might decided to stay here, then we can make sure she safe and ok, My husband is her only blood relative. Unfortunately if we were to contact even the home she'd start ignoring our calls. She is convinced she's going to be put in a home after the Police picked her up at Manchester airport and took her to a home until my husband travelled down to collect her. I've tried for last 2 hrs to phone her as I said starting at the same time every day 7.30am her time until 9.45am, no answer....so once again unable to speak with her to let her know the payment hasn't gone through. We've had to get a credit card which we really can't afford to pay, it will be our food budget to pay £150 for her passport ourselves. It's our first wedding Anniversary on Friday and we planned on having a rare night out for a meal together to celebrate it...not now!! We'll have to fork out this money ourselves. We've had to ay for things she's needed because she is so frightend to use her card to pay for things or if she cant get from thrift stores etc., yet she HAS lots of money but won't spend it!The financial advisor is NOT allowed to speak about her affairs with anyone but her, we just sent him the 2 emails from Washington UK Passport office what we had received on her behalf along with email for him, from us, to contact Mom and sort it out, (if he was able to make contact..that is??), which I explained in my post. We don't want to be sly or go behind her back but it's coming increasinly more difficult. I've had a migraine since yesterday after calling her to try and sort things out. It's not doing my husbands or myself, health any good, we are drained! Sxx

 

[pippop1]

Keep a note of all the payments you make on her behalf and, when you eventually do get power of attorney over her finances then you will be legitimately be able to claim back the expenses you have incurred.

You could speak to the manager of where she lives and ask them not to reveal that you have spoken to them. Surely they will want to help you sort everything out?