What can I do?

[Fitzaden66]

My Mother (75) was finally diagnosed approx 3 yrs ago following definitive tests and scans. My Father (81) is ‘covering’ for her. After telling us she had ‘a bit of Alzheimers’ now says he never said that and I am lying. Clearly she has the disease which I believe she has had for circa 12 yrs.

I’ve weitten to her GP and received no response.

They have told local adult social care they are fine and need no support so they are left.

I believe they should not be paying Council Tax and be claiming carers allowance but I can do nothing due to this denial.

My Father has stayed he would rather kill them both than go into care and I believe he would as he had found a couple in similar circumstances who had done the same.

I am an only child and do t k ow where to start.

Any suggestions where I start please?

Thank you in anticipation.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Fitzaden66. Welcome to the forum.

It may be better to visit your parents` GP than writing. Make a list of your concerns. The GP is unlikely to discuss your parents with you but they will listen and a personal visit may be more effective than a letter or email.

Your parents would not be eligible for carers allowance but should be eligible for Attendance Allowance.

They would also be eligible for a 25% discount from their council tax. Full exemption of Council Tax is only for those who live alone.

Your parents are probably very private and don`t want interference from outsiders. They may also be afraid and fearful of the future. This could appear to be stubbornness.

If you can, stay in contact without giving too much help and hopefully with help from the GP your parents may soon realise help does not mean others will take over.

 

[Cazzita]

I would call adult social care services in your local area and they will come out and have a chat and assessment. Call the Alzheimer's helpline too - they are experts and will give you good guidance. Wishing you luck x

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Fitzaden66
a warm welcome
it's not at all unusual for a couple to close ranks and not confide in family, possibly because 'we don't want to worry you' or, as said, for fear of interference or concern that if one admits they aren't coping, they will be judged and feel they are letting their spouse down
it may be that your father is worried that he will lose control of your mother's care and that they will lose their home to pay for care - maybe just drop into a conversation that you have a friend whose father has moved into a nursing home because he's unwell (don't mention dementia) and his wife was finding it so hard to look after him, especially at night, say she was scared to contact social services as she was convinced she'd have to sell up but she's so relieved because the house isn't at risk at all .... your father may understand
possibly your father has told their GP not to speak with you, but there's nothing stopping you keeping the GP updated with your concerns, especially what your father has said
and you can contact their Local Authority Adult Services with your concerns, mention what your father said and that you are worried for their safety, though their hands may be tied if your father won't co-operate - he may not realise that they will do what they can to help him support his wife in staying in their home as they are reluctant to move people into a home unless it is clearly in their best interest
might I gently mention that it's possible your father himself has issues in which case he simply won't see that there is anything wrong in their situation, though what he said does make it seem that he realises thay aren't really coping, which is tough for a proud man to admit
it may help for you to actually talk with someone, which is what the AS Helpline is for, so maybe give them a caĺl
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline

 

[Sirena]

It sounds as if adult social services been in touch and your parents told them they don't need help, in which case SS will leave them to it.

What type of help do you think they need at the moment, are they coping with day to day living? There is not a lot of help available to be honest. They could get a few daily carer visits (to help your mum dress or wash etc) but if your father thinks he's coping, no one can force them to accept help. Attendance allowance would be useful and you may be able to persuade your father to apply for that, if you don't mention the word 'dementia'.

The GP won't discuss your parents with you without their consent, and there is not much help the GP will offer anyway, but keeping him/her informed of your concerns could be useful if things deteriorate.