1. Del24

    Del24 Registered User

    Aug 17, 2014
    What am I.
    Am I a husband or am I a carer.
    My answer is I am a husband who looks after his lovely wife every day to the best of my ability for as long as I can.
    How can I be labelled a carer I have not been trained or passed exams to be a carer.
    A carer is someone who comes into our house to help us and who has been trained to do this work that's not me.
    52 years ago I vowed to love, honour, cherish in sickness and health till death do us part and I am sticking to that vow.
    I have been reading on this site people saying their role has changed to carer but the person you are taking care of is still your husband/partner/wife yes they behave differently but they still need your love and understanding.
    There is help out there but you have to shout to get it.
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    In a word Del you're "both", you're whatever you need to be. It's strange you need to pass a test to get a licence to drive a car but not to have children and be a parent, no test, no exams.
    We don't have any outside help from anyone, I just do what seems right and we somehow get along, it's not perfect but it seems to work for us, Like you I wasn't prepared for the role it just happened this way.
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    You are an unofficial unpaid carer and you deserve recognition for that. You are also still a husband but I never understand when people say to me they look after someone 24/7 but they don't consider themselves to be a carer. Yes you are and you should be proud of it! It's not something everyone can do, and it's time the powers to be recognised us for the enormous contribution we make to this state, without any Union or workers' rights behind us!
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    The Sweet North
    You are a husband. You are also the best carer your wife could ever have, and should be proud of what you do.
    I sometimes feel that the world views me as my husband's carer. But I feel first and foremost and forever that I am his wife. I am caring for him 24/7 at the moment, and people say 'It must be so hard' but I have known since his diagnosis over twelve years ago that our time together will be cut short by Alzheimers'. Reading TP one learns so much, and as a result I am more prepared for changes etc than would be the case without TP. The hardest part is dealing with outside agencies, and the unpredictability of the progression of the disease. Looking after him is my privilege, and into these caring years I put all the love that he should have received from me ten, twenty years from now, but won't live to.
    Yes we are carers, gold-plated carers, but husband's and wives above all.
    Best wishes to you and your wife.
  5. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    Nice to see a post like yours Del. I've always considered myself as a husband who, not only took the vows 'to love honour and cherish till death'. After decades of marriage I cherished my wife more as her life slipped away. I was not prepared to share our lives with trained strangers. There is not the same bond of love and knowledge of the person a husband/wife has.

    Training people to perform a task is not the same as teaching. One does not require to raise a child and cater to all its needs, it's natural. Humans like all other animals protect their own, it's inbuilt. Somewhere along the way it's been lost, hence training 'with-in a box' is required: one size fits all. Soon we'll have robots to do all the caring that's required. They wont get tired or stressed and will work 24/7 without food.
  6. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    It's funny I should see this today as I woke up this morning thinking am I Mick's wife or his carer. I realised my frustrations / resentment are made worse by trying to continue functioning as half of a partnership. Mick can no longer function as the other half. I met him in 1968 when I was 18 so I have never been an adult without him as a major part of my life. I made my marriage vows 45 years ago. I don't look after Mick because of those vows, I look after him because I love him and I can't imagine him not in my life.

    But our relationship is no longer the partnership of husband and wife that it was until fairly recently. I look after him, he depends completely on me, he does not look after me any more. My role is more like it was for our children when they were little but I'm not his mother. So, for me, carer describes our situation. I didn't have training or pass exams to be a mother. Some roles are learnt by doing.

    I am constantly learning and visit TP for advice, support and just to air my feelings at times. It helps me to have someone remind me about compassionate conversation and to tell me they have experienced what I am struggling with. Whatever you call yourself Del, I wish you well in what you are doing and what lies ahead. We need each other whatever titles we give ourselves.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  7. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello Del24 my hubby is in a care home, l am still his carer, l have looked after him for 55yrs, l would say l took over from his mother who spoilt him!! I love him still as much as when we first met, everyday l visit him, help him shower, shave him, wash his hair, take his dirty washing home, l look after my hubby as much as l did when he was at home, l can walk away and feel proud of myself, and know that l can have a good nights sleep, he is in the care home because he became aggressive at home, and l was not safe, he treats me with great respect now that we are not together 24/7. ☺
  8. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    I used to be a daughter. Now I see my mother as a baby. So I think I am a career and a mother.

    It is really weird. I try not to think about.
  9. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I think one thing we are all saying Del is that despite our roles changing, our love hasn't.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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