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WHAT ABOUT ME!!

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
82
All and all this week has been horrible, as most of you know now my OH has had a lot of UTIs ,the dr has decided now to put him back on an indeweling cathatar. All this week at bed time I rig him up to the night bag his mobality is very poor so he cant get out of bed either . Time does not exist to him so when he wakes up at 2.00 am he thinks it is time to get up and he shouts of me. This has been going on all week now and Im so tired I have just taken him HOME twice now tonight as well as he thinks he is in the wrong house. OH is in bed now and I have just got out of the shower and I feel so low , and Im thinking how much longer is this going to go on for. I dont think I have any strength left . OH doesnt show any emotion to me Im just the person who looks after him I feel like I have lost my identity .
I feel jealous of other people yes I feel low and I dont know if I am coming down with a cold . I just want some one to give me a hug and tell me it is going to be all right . Sorry for the moan and self pity I know most of you are in the same boat as me .
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,596
Hang on, hang in @Angtrog, don't despair, you will get much support from member's going through/ gone through the same as you are facing.
Feel my arms are around you (can't find the emoji) x
 

Lirene

Registered User
Sep 15, 2019
241
Bless you and you are certainly not on your own thinking this way. Prayers for you and everyone xx
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
535
Here’s a hug ((((((( hugggg)))))))). Know how you feel ....Breath annnnnd relaaax ...stay strong
A x
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,185
Scotland
This is a feeling many will know well. If you are a bit unwell yourself that makes it ten times worse. Don’t wait for your OH to praise you because it won’t happen so just praise yourself. “I did a great job today. Well done”.

And every day you get through this it will have been worth praising as we all know.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,285
Southampton
sounds like you are very run down so likely to catch something. then harder to shake off. sleep deprivation is tortuous and trying to find which end is up. you should be proud of yourself for looking after your husband so well. hold that thought to help you continue through the tough days
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,579
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
If hugs and empathy can give you strength and support, I am sending them to you.
But I wonder if you need more. Can you go on coping with such a difficult situation? Is it time for you to make decisions about your and your husband's future life?
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
226
Have you spoken to your GP? I have often felt just as you describe and spent hours in tears. My GP understands my problems and has prescribed some anti depressants. It has taken a lot of persuasion from him to get me to accept this, but I have to say it has made a great difference. I was getting so upset with my husband and arguments would start. He reacted badly. Now I find I can just accept this awful situation with a smile and things are much easier. It doesn’t stop him wanting to do ridiculous things, but i cope better. This morning he was up at 3am wanting a shower!!
 

RAF Geoff

New member
Apr 10, 2020
5
I am in the 6th year of caring for my wife who has Alzheimer's and have the same problems. I am 88 and she is 87. I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing etc that she used to do and which I (selfishly) accepted as part of her role. How lucky am I to now return the care and love that she has shown me. I shower her, dress her, talk to her and do all that I can to keep the woman I love.
She shouts at me and raves about keeping her in when she wants to go out and refusing to go for a walk when she wants to stay in; Insists that we cannot get in the bed together because I am not her husband and much more but when she settles down, we hug, we kiss, we breathe a sigh and smile and look toward another moment together.
I am tired, weary, frustrated and angry but I love and cherish the time we have left. Keep taking a little time in the day, every day for your yourself. Even five minutes remembering the good times and you will find this helps.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,285
Southampton
you sound such a lovely man. my inclination is the same in that i cherish the time we have and taking time out as well i do. i usually try and get a programme he likes on and disappear for a time upstairs so he can have his "rubbish" tv on and i dont have to watch it. if you are in all day together, then you will get crabby with each other. then i feel guilty for being short with him. we have separate rooms which also helps but we hug and kiss and tease each other. it gets us through the day
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
548
All and all this week has been horrible, as most of you know now my OH has had a lot of UTIs ,the dr has decided now to put him back on an indeweling cathatar. All this week at bed time I rig him up to the night bag his mobality is very poor so he cant get out of bed either . Time does not exist to him so when he wakes up at 2.00 am he thinks it is time to get up and he shouts of me. This has been going on all week now and Im so tired I have just taken him HOME twice now tonight as well as he thinks he is in the wrong house. OH is in bed now and I have just got out of the shower and I feel so low , and Im thinking how much longer is this going to go on for. I dont think I have any strength left . OH doesnt show any emotion to me Im just the person who looks after him I feel like I have lost my identity .
I feel jealous of other people yes I feel low and I dont know if I am coming down with a cold . I just want some one to give me a hug and tell me it is going to be all right . Sorry for the moan and self pity I know most of you are in the same boat as me .
Firstly, yours is not " a moan" at all. It is an expression of something which can be truly understood as an immensely difficult and yet unavoidable situation which places demands upon you, both physical and more potently psychological. If it is at all possible to alleviate the physical demands - catheters, UTI's etc - via the GP or District Nurse then that must be a priority. You cannot be expected to play the role of Carer, nurse, doctor, cook, cleaner, advocate, recipient of all manner of demands and perhaps abuse which dementia can lay at your door in spades, and not feel the impact on body and soul. You are only human. People run a marathon, scale a mountain top, win medals, subject to much preparation and training and an innate driving force from which originates the desire to win. Dementia is more than any mountain and when it resides in another, is elusive and demanding and distorts the true nature of its carrier, poses enormous challenges in the one who is providing the Care. There was a television production some years ago in which various Victorian working practices were re-enacted as authentically as possible. The participants, mostly young strong and fit, were unable to fulfil the tasks, even at a partial level. In fact they could not conceive anyone having the physical capacity to have done so. The truth was that they did.
Caring in dementia with all its variant demands, the unknowns, the unending physical demands, the psychological demands, the fact that there is rarely a given template of that Care nor a sense of things improving as that Care continues unabated, mirrors that perception of those young people who could not imagine the sheer level of physical toil and effort being made in daily routine by their Victorian forebears. The truth is that once you actually engage in the Care which is expressed in your post and engage directly with dementia in the one you love, then you understand that the " moan" stems from something far from a fleeting grouse or a momentary inconvenience . It is a cry from the heart and it is a cry which is heard and received in total accord from those who recognise without reservation from whence it comes. That in itself affords some comfort.
 

Poppy44

New member
Aug 11, 2019
5
I am in the 6th year of caring for my wife who has Alzheimer's and have the same problems. I am 88 and she is 87. I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing etc that she used to do and which I (selfishly) accepted as part of her role. How lucky am I to now return the care and love that she has shown me. I shower her, dress her, talk to her and do all that I can to keep the woman I love.
She shouts at me and raves about keeping her in when she wants to go out and refusing to go for a walk when she wants to stay in; Insists that we cannot get in the bed together because I am not her husband and much more but when she settles down, we hug, we kiss, we breathe a sigh and smile and look toward another moment together.
I am tired, weary, frustrated and angry but I love and cherish the time we have left. Keep taking a little time in the day, every day for your yourself. Even five minutes remembering the good times and you will find this helps.
I found your post absolutely inspiring. Thank you so much.
 

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
82
Firstly, yours is not " a moan" at all. It is an expression of something which can be truly understood as an immensely difficult and yet unavoidable situation which places demands upon you, both physical and more potently psychological. If it is at all possible to alleviate the physical demands - catheters, UTI's etc - via the GP or District Nurse then that must be a priority. You cannot be expected to play the role of Carer, nurse, doctor, cook, cleaner, advocate, recipient of all manner of demands and perhaps abuse which dementia can lay at your door in spades, and not feel the impact on body and soul. You are only human. People run a marathon, scale a mountain top, win medals, subject to much preparation and training and an innate driving force from which originates the desire to win. Dementia is more than any mountain and when it resides in another, is elusive and demanding and distorts the true nature of its carrier, poses enormous challenges in the one who is providing the Care. There was a television production some years ago in which various Victorian working practices were re-enacted as authentically as possible. The participants, mostly young strong and fit, were unable to fulfil the tasks, even at a partial level. In fact they could not conceive anyone having the physical capacity to have done so. The truth was that they did.
Caring in dementia with all its variant demands, the unknowns, the unending physical demands, the psychological demands, the fact that there is rarely a given template of that Care nor a sense of things improving as that Care continues unabated, mirrors that perception of those young people who could not imagine the sheer level of physical toil and effort being made in daily routine by their Victorian forebears. The truth is that once you actually engage in the Care which is expressed in your post and engage directly with dementia in the one you love, then you understand that the " moan" stems from something far from a fleeting grouse or a momentary inconvenience . It is a cry from the heart and it is a cry which is heard and received in total accord from those who recognise without reservation from whence it comes. That in itself affords some comfort.
So very true @Hazara8 trouble is think I can do everything and I cant . tiredness plays a big part as well. Thanks for all the hugs and comments. What would I do without this wonderful forum Take care all of you sending you hugs to you all
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Hi @Angtrog, I'm not surprised you are exhausted and feeling low. I always think that when people have an insight or snapshot of caring for someone with dementia, you can never express the absolutely relentless nature of it, which at times can inevitably grind you down or worse lead to carer burnout. Take care of yourself, you are doing an amazing job.