1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Dad seems to have spent all weekend in the wardrobe again sorting things either to tidy things up or packing to go home but there's no way of convincing him he is at home. He knows the address, and even looked out to the garden which he recognises, but he still doesn't think he's at home.
    Today I had to leave work to see him as he wanted me to take him to work to pick his tools up, and I couldn't convince him he's been retired 15+ years. And coming out of work only upset mum, so I can bet that I won't get told next time it happens whilst I'm at work.
    Found myself ringing the helpline for advice (or miracle cure) thinking they might tell me something I hadn't read on here in everyone else's experiences.
    Ended up ringing the local office and they're coming to see us next week. Just that I'll need to return from a holiday for the day to see them.
    I've been trying to convince mum that we need to do this to get help after every previous occurrence as it's not going to get better. I didn't give her any options today. It's one of those things she may have normally done, but she's run into the ground with it all, and it's not doing either of us any good.
    Can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring
     
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #2 lin1, Apr 1, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2015
    Hello Crag.
    I am glad someone is coming out hopefully they will be able to help or at least have some good suggestions. Their were time when I gave dad no options too, it was mum that had dementia.

    If you are in the UK you may have an Admiral Nurse in you area, I say may because they are sadly few and far between but they have a national helpline
    They are specialist dementia nurses run by a charity . They offer advise and emotional support , I was lucky to have one in my area and she amongst other things helped us in a few fights .
    Back in a mo with a link

    http://www.dementiauk.org/what-we-do/admiral-nurses/

    Tbh , when my mum was packing, sorting and swapping things around providing she was safe I used to let her continue ,
    Some of my reasons were, it was giving her something to do, may have helped her feel useful , sure I kept an eye on her and often had lots of re sorting things afterwards . I found if she was distressed often distraction did not work , she was more likely to swear at me

    As for the wanting to go home , it is possible that it is a place they felt safe and secure often but not alway the childhood home , wanting their Mum is similar.
    I used to use what we often call 'love lies ' on here ie,
    the buses/trains aren't running (for what ever reason u choose )
    So let's go tomorrow.
    It's so cold , let's wait till it warms up etc then provid some distraction , a cupper or an activity the enjoy may work
    Sadly nothing works for long

    Their is an old thread on here that u may find helpful , it's about compassionate communication with the memory impaired .
    Now u may be thinking 'wow great '

    1) it is far from easy.
    2) it doesn't always work
    But it may give you some ideas
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
     
  3. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Thanks Lin, I shall look up the Admirals, and have a gander through the old post. It may be I have come cross it in the past as I do read quite a bit on here trying to make sense of what is happening with Dad
    Even after work he was still talking of getting me to take him to work to collect his things. He seemed to grasp that work was no longer there, but not that he wasn't there only a few weeks ago.
    Funny you should mention about wanting his Mum. He did speak to his sister on the phone before I got there, to ask how she was, and how their mum is. That one hasn't been done before:eek:
     
  4. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    My dad went through a phase re work , wanting to pop in and see everyone , have a walk round , think he felt he had just retired, having been there 40yrs was a big chunk of his life. Fortunately my brothers both work there and arranged a wander round with him, he found it very emotional afterwards. When I think back I think he was just trying to make some sense of some memories. He still sees men from work in the street who say hello , he doesn't know who they are.
    I hope you can find some help :)
     
  5. lesley1958

    lesley1958 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2015
    107
    Bristol
    With my dad it;s the sudden realisation that his parents have died - they have been dead 40 years. He seems to know that they are dead but to him it is as if it has just happened - the block of years in between has just vanished. And of course he is angry with us for not telling him. Reiterate all the other advise on here and recommend the compassionate communication thread but it is not easy. Mum and I am still struggling with how to deal with this one.

    To think that every day, sometimes more than once a day, my dad goes though the grief of the loss of his parents. It's so cruel.

    Love and support. Talking Point has been a saviour for me.
     
  6. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Thanks everybody. The compassionate communication bit is difficult. I can handle not being recognised, it's the packing everything away etc to go home when he is home that gets to me as I don't know what's coming next.
    I think the event on Boxing day night still sticks in my memory when he went off to work at 11pm, and there was no stopping him. Also the time he loaded his wardrobe contents into Mum's car wasn't much better. Strangely he remembers he is not to drive which is a good thing.
     
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,853
    Female
    Scotland
    Crag, your Dad is the twin of my 82 year old husband! The work thing has been daily with him for the past year including sorting tools, making his piece( sandwiches), wanting to phone old bosses or arranging transport. It is mind numbing.

    Emptying drawers, wardrobe and medicine cabinet is a regular while he prepares to go home - we are permanently on holiday it seems. The latest is the constant showering and shaving until he empties the hot water tank. He may have dementia but boy is he clean!

    If it were not for his one day at day care I think I would have to check in somewhere for a rest.
     
  8. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    I thought we had got 'Work' out of the way after Christmas, but it seems to have returned. At least he was calmer last night and just watched TV.
    Hopefully next week a day off a week for Mum will get arranged. I think she gets upset as this isn't how it was portrayed on the TV advert, that we can have what we know as dad for longer.
    Everytime we think help is on it's way, time just drags on and on, and nothing happens.
     

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