Well, I've gone and done it now and feel soooo guilty

[cerridwen]

Hi all
Dad has mixed dementia, Mum has terminal cancer, but is stabilized at present with medication. Mum is Dad's carer. but is not coping that well, not surprisingly.

I've notified the DVLA today that my I believe my Dad is unfit to drive. I copied my Dad's GP in on the correspondence. The thing is, my Mum doesn't know, I didn't tell her that I wrote the letter. When I tried to discuss it with her a few times previously, she freaked out and said I was selfish and that it would drive her into an early grave if they took Dad's license away. And in the same breath she said that she doesn't think he is fit to drive! My Dad's GP told me a while ago that Dad shouldn't be driving, but wasn't prepared to notify the DVLA himself (GPs have guidelines to notify the DVLA when they are concerned about a patient's fitness to drive, but Dad's GP has not been supportive to our family about Dad's condition, so I didn't expect him to start now). Dad's dementia nurse is coping with a huge workload and is very patronizing to him. She talks to him as if he is a six year old and it winds me up. He deserves some respect and he is still in charge of some of his faculties.
My poor Dad, he loves driving. I know what this is going to do to him if they take his license away. It could make him go down the hill and I feel so very sad and upset. I hate this situation; Dad losing his capability quickly now and Mum terminally ill, with no firm prognosis at the moment. I have no brothers or sisters to share the responsibility and I just wish I could run away...... but instead I'll just have another sleepless night.
At least I know that I am not alone, that you are out there with similar experiences, happy to share; perhaps we should start a laughter forum, where we can share the lighter side of life?
Cerridwen

 

[Izzy]

That must be very hard. I was lucky that my husband accepted the decision without question.

As for the lighter side - have you had a look through the Tea Room posts? A lot if nonsense goes on there!!!!

 

[Noorza]

Your Dad could literally drive your Mum into an early grave with others if they have an accident.

You did the right thing.

 

[wheelieb]

Hi Cerridwen,
We have had a similar situation with my in laws. My father in law, who is 80, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease 3 years ago. Up until just before that he was driving, but we later found that his licence was 3 years out of date. His GP & ourselves informed DVLA that he was unfit to drive and we disabled his car so that it wouldn't start. Fortunately although he says he must go and start the car, he didn't make any attempt to. We got rid of the car 2 years ago, but he still says he drives my mother in law around. My mother in law was very bitter about it for ages, because she blamed us for him not being able to drive and take her out. We just kept telling her that he was unsafe to drive. It went on for a long time, but now as his condition has got worse, and they now live with us, she doesn't say any more about it.
At the end of the day, you have to do what is right and safe, not just for you mum and dad, but for everyone else too. Hope you get it sorted out, it's not an easy one.

 

[Helen33]

DeAr Cerridwen,

I know i had to do this with regard to my late husband because he was a danger on the road although he didnt realise. It was sad to know that he would lose something he valued highly - driving and his car but I was relieved when the GP wrote to him asking him to cease driving until some tests were completed. The GP agreed to so this to protect my relationship with my husband. By the GP writing it meant i was able to sympatise with my husband and be angry with him which meant he could feel I was on his side rather than against him. It was really important to try to preserve our relationship because he was dependent upon me for a good quality life. It would have been disasteous if he lost trust in me.

Wishing you peace and strength to get through this part of the journey.

 

[cerridwen]

Thank you, all.
Helen 33 - it sounds like your GP is on the ball, my Dad's GP refuses to get involved. I asked him if he could write a 'no driving' prescription for Dad and he said I would have notify the DVLA and that he couldn't do that. I know of other GPs who have done this for their patients.
I have since found out that GP's have the authority to request the DVLA carry out a driving assessment for a patient they have concerns about, and it then doesn't cost the patient. I have always experienced my Dad's GP as lazy and not wanting to be bothered, but Dad likes him and wants to continue seeing him.
Cerridwen

 

[Chrismitch]

My husband had his licence taken away today and he is devastated.
He has AD but he's only 65 and was diagnosed 3 years ago.
I'm glad it was not my decision - I knew I would have to do it before long as his driving was deteriorating. But he thought he was a perfect driver.
He used to drive for a living - lorries, tractors, double deckers, minibuses and finally a chauffeur! I dread the constant moaning and back seat driving which are inevitable! But it is so sad for them.

 

[LadyA]

All your posts make me so glad that my husband decided himself, long, long before he was diagnosed - about 12 years before in fact - to stop driving. He is originally from the US, and when we moved back here, he used the fact that we drive on the other side of the road, and that he would have to do a driving test here to get a Licence, as an excuse to just stop driving. In truth, he had already almost killed us a couple of times in the US - just not thinking to stop when approaching a line of traffic stopped at a red light, and another time I was dozing in the passenger seat when the van swerved violently - he was driving, but had picked up the newspaper and was reading it!! Just lack of concentration. Running stop signs, going through red lights etc.

And just recently, I have almost been creamed on the road by a very elderly man sailing gaily around a roundabout. He never hesitated as he drove onto the roundabout without looking or stopping - just drove straight out in front of me. The worst thing was he proceeded to drive around the roundabout the wrong way! Luckily, it was a quiet time of day and he didn't meet many cars - and those he did saw him coming in plenty of time! So, yes, you have made the right decision. It's too important a thing. It's inconvenient for your parents, yes. And it does feel a bit like "telling tales" on him - but far, far better that than getting the news that he'd caused an accident and injured or killed someone. Think how you'd feel then, if you had known deep down that you should have contacted the DVLA and hadn't.

 

[Mamsgirl]

Would a motorised scooter be of use to him? They can be quite a boost to independence and dignity.

 

[zeeeb]

Stand your ground, and try not to feel guilty. Hopefully the GP and the DLVA are smart enough to keep it anonymous so you don't have to be the bad guy. If not, you will be in trouble, but like myself, I had to write letters to satisfy my own mind that I did what I thought was right for mum and all other people on the road. I hope he accepts the loss of licence if it comes directly from the DLVA.

 

[ripley]

Cerridwen - you have done the right thing, please don't feel guilty, re the suggestion from someone else mobility scooter. I would not go down that road, as it would be very easy for your father to veer off the pavement etc.
Best wishes.
Ripley

 

[Noorza]

I borrowed mum's once when the car broke down. Those disability scooters are scary and dangerous things if not driven properly. My ride terrified me, honestly.

 

[Mamsgirl]

I borrowed mum's once when the car broke down. Those disability scooters are scary and dangerous things if not driven properly. My ride terrified me, honestly.

Hehehe! I'm imagining people leaping out of the way - could be great for Christmas shopping

No, when they're purchased in Oz a doctor signs off and an OT trains the new user and imposes speed limits and suitable routes, which are then documented and a copy sent to the GP. Some people in Mum's retirement village swear by them, but yes absolutely, safe use above all.

Still smiling at the possibilities! I'll never go to heaven.

 

[Noorza]

Hehehe! I'm imagining people leaping out of the way - could be great for Christmas shopping

No, when they're purchased in Oz a doctor signs off and an OT trains the new user and imposes speed limits and suitable routes, which are then documented and a copy sent to the GP. Some people in Mum's retirement village swear by them, but yes absolutely, safe use above all.

Still smiling at the possibilities! I'll never go to heaven.

Mum drove hers into a dentist's wall then took my son on a driving lesson who drove it into a tree. It would make a good comedy, the people at the local shops see mum coming and scatter. She has lost her confidence on it now thank goodness and gets the ring and ride bus.

 

[supporter1]

OH this is a horrible situation...

We had to take my fathers car away, everybody told us that he should not drive but nobody would do anything about it !

My dad was incredibly distressed about it and started acosting people in the street telling everyone his car had been stolen, He ended up back in hospital in a very distressed state and eventually he was diagnosed with Alzheimers ( we had realised something was very wrong but the psych kept telling us it was only post illness confusion and it would pass the reality was that there was about a 3 year history of deterioation at that point)

I do hope that you dont have to go though what we went through but dad is a tough old boy and was not admiting to anything he was fine to drive and that was it .

Families always seem to get the tough jobs where alzheimers are concerned .

Be strong , you are doing the right thing , safety for everyone on the road is paramount.

 

[cerridwen]

Thank you all for the advice and comments. It's really not easy, is it? I am knackered.
A few days after I wrote the letter to DVLA, my Dad's GP surgery rang him, asking him to book an appointment with his GP. I had sent a copy of the letter to the GP too, so I guess the appointment is following on from that letter. My Mum is also coming round to the idea of Dad not driving but it is making her a bit depressed. It's a lot to cope with, her own incurable breast cancer and Dad's increasingly difficult behavior and being stuck in the house with him a lot more isn't that appealing.
Regarding a scooter; I took Mum and Dad to Cornwall on holiday in June and hired a scooter for each of them. Dad wouldn't use his. He's not confident enough, which is probably just as well........
He also keeps saying he is going to ring my Uncle, his brother, for a chat. My uncle passed away in February and we all went to the funeral but Dad can't remember. You have to have humour (if I don't laugh about it, I'll cry!) and after telling him dozens of time that my uncle had passed away, I said to him this morning after he said it for the umpteenth time, "Dad, if you're gonna do that, you better get a Ouija board!" We both had a good laugh over it. Ghoulish, I know, but gallows humour is the order of the day when you are constantly surrounded by illness, deterioration and death (of much loved elderly relatives; five since the beginning of the year). Cerridwen

 

[Noorza]

There is nothing wrong with humour, humour is a coping mechanism and thank goodness for that.