Wedding anniversary - should I tell her?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Bristolbelle, Jun 26, 2008.

  1. Bristolbelle

    Bristolbelle Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    Tomorrow would have been my Mum and Dads 55 wedding anniversary. Since he died of always bought Mum some flowers on Dad's behalf - yellow roses just like he always bought her every year. But in the past she has been aware of the date both leading up to and on the day. This year she really has no idea. Should I still mention it or might it cause her more pain than anything else. She would feel bad to think she hasn't realised the date etc. I'm not sure what to do, this year she has missed a few birthdays etc including my son's 18th which would have devastated her had she realised. What do others do. She has asked me to get gifts where I know she normally would have done, but this is a bit different as dad isn't here, and I feel I'd just refresh her pain buying her flowers for him. All ideas welcome thanks.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Bristolbelle

    If your mother`s unaware of the significance of the day or date I wouldn`t acknowledge the anniversary . It will cause her pain rather than pleasure if your father is no longer with her.
    Love xx
  3. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    Dear bristolbelle
    Buy the flowers.
    As a rememberence of your Dad.
    Take them to his resting place, or have them in your lounge.

    Barb & Ron XX
  4. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    coast of texas
    My question...When you used to get her flowers she knew what they were for? If yes, then what I might do is get the flowers and let them be in the house. If she doesn't realize what they are for straight away then they are just to brighten the house..just felt like doing it. If she does by chance remember then you won't have to tell her what they are for. With mom I did things dad would have done and as her memory lapsed I chose not to give up my new traditions (they were also for me). If she remembered we remenisced, if she didn't then the house was just cheerier.

    Dad always got mom chocolates on valentines day and even this year, when she had no recollection, I could not bear not to. I bought the chocolates, kept my mouth shut, and the 2 of us would enjoy a chocolate a day together. When her time got closer her memory of dad seemed to improve and you could see the pain in her eyes of not being with him. Those moments I felt bad, but then I did not feel bad for keeping his love alive in her as I was a product of that love. I would never want to hurt her by reminding her, but I could not just "forget" myself. It may hurt that she does not remember right now, but I promise that in there, there is a memory she cannot matter how bad AD can get.


  5. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007

    I really don't have any advice I thing you will have to go with what your heart is telling you.

    For me today is our 10th wedding anniversary and I bought John a gift, a card and made a special meal. He was upset that he hadn't remember (not much differect to most men :D) but that soon passed. What did upset me was that the only other card was from one of my friends. It seems like everyone else doesn't want to celebrate it. Maybe they think it will rub in what we have lost and what we still have to lose.

    Although maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the 10 year as our 10 year old queried it for the first time!!! Mind you, you'd think the fact he was on the wedding photos might have given the game away :D
  6. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    Dear Jackie1
    Happy aniversary
    I mean that in the kindest of way's:)
    Barb & Ron X
  7. kemasa

    kemasa Registered User

    Jun 25, 2008
    Queensland, Australia
    Call me new fashioned but....

    Since when do we really need a reason to buy any loved one some flowers ? O.K, it might have been an aniversary gesture by your father, and if you mother remembers it when she see's the flowers, Isn't a rekindled memory from time to time something that should be relished? If she has no recollection, well what a better way to brighten up a house than with a lovely buch of yellow roses.. Like I say, call me new fashioned, but any chance to suprise some one with some flowers, sounds a good idea to me.

  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    I agree with the suggestions to buy the flowers.

    I wouldn't try to explain why unless the situation seems to make that a good thing to do.

    We do things in proxy for other people.

    In this case you will be celebrating several things - things that it is good for YOU to celebrate, even if Mum can't.

    Celebrate that your Dad always did it, and think of him and what he would want you to do.

    Think of their long time together and celebrate that - it is increasingly unusual for such big anniversaries these days.

    Celebrate that Mum was - and is - loved so much.

    Flowers always lift any room, so I'd recommend doing it. :)

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