I’ve been lurking on here for a while as I’ve found it so useful to learn of other people’s experiences with dementia and caring. I’ve decided to finally post as I’m just at a loss as to where to turn to next. My mother is 96 and was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago although obviously had it for several years before that. She thinks she’s pretty independent at home, with the help of me and carers. She lives 35 miles away from me and for the past few years I’ve been doing the 70 mile round trip 3 or 4 times a week to do her shopping, sort out her medication, and take her out for a drive and a walk in the park and deal with the myriad of problems that seem to occur. On top of this, I seem to spend endless hours on the phone to GPs, social workers, pharmacies etc. She has carers go every morning and then on the days I don’t go, a carer in the evening. They just check she’s taken her medication, prepare a lunch for her and then put a microwave meal in for her in the evening, they do a little light housework, put some cream on her legs and, to be honest very little else. She has absolutely no insight into the stress it puts on me to drive around 1000 miles a month to just keep her in her own home, I’ve given up one career as her needs just meant I had to take so much time off when emergencies occurred. I have a very small business now, but it often doesn’t even cover the cost of my petrol to get to her. I’ve spent 10 years trying to persuade her to move nearer to me but with no success. The stress, along with some personal issues has taken its toll on me and I decided about a year ago that she really needed to be in residential care, nearer to me but then covid hit and I dug deep and carried on. She recently had a fall, and not surprisingly, couldn’t remember to press her link line and was found on the floor by a carer. Obviously I was called after the ambulance and after the hour’s drive, I spent 7 hours in A&E with her before she was sent home as I said I would stay with her for a while. She owns her own home but is depleted of savings and social services contribute a small amount towards her care. I managed to get them to reassess her yesterday, with a letter from her GP agreeing that she should be in residential care and I also have PoA Health and Welfare and also finances. When the social worker asked if she would like to go and live in a care home (a phrase that I would never have used!) obviously she said no! In fact, she went into full hostess mode and said she can manage very well on her own and and that she never falls (she can’t remember) and always showers (the shower hasn’t been touched for over 6 months) and does everything herself. To be fair to the social worker, she seemed to understand my desperation and gave her several opportunities to answer again, but it was like a toddler having a tantrum and she said there was no way she would go into a home. She has no downstairs bathroom or bed and when the SW asked to see her go upstairs she shot up like a rocket - it was like someone had given her a shot of adrenaline!! Normally, I have my heart in my mouth as I watch her go up. The social worker said it was clear she wanted to stay at home and it would have to go to a best interests meeting and if I insisted on using my PoA they could take it to court. They’ve offered to do 4 visits a day but she just tells the carers “my daughter will do that” to almost everything they offer, especially hygiene and housework. I feel totally, drained, let down and know full well that my mum wouldn’t be able to survive if I didn’t ensure everything was in place at a cost to my own health, finances and family life. I would never do anything against her best interests and I just don’t know where to turn to next and wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience.