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Want to cry after visiting my mother

Lemons

Registered User
Aug 27, 2019
20
Hi @Lemons, it's very tough as I think most feel the same way - my Mum was totally resistant to any outside help (Carers/Cleaners etc), however, I explained to her that it was to help me as much as her (which was true). I think @canary is right, it probably will come to head at some point soon, all you can do is to engage with the supported living facility to ensure they are fully aware of the situation (as you see it - not Mum) and the GP. I personally found this one of the most difficult challenges, even with care support and medication. All the best.
Hi, @Pete1 thank you for your support. My brother has told mum that the help is to help him too as he is trying to juggle with work and popping over to see mum but Mum just sticks her heels in. When I suggest something she is a little more receptive, but then the next day she will have forgotten about it, that is why she needs prompting. I think the staff do try but I don't think they have enough staff for people with dementia as they need far more help. Mum has medication that needs to be given 20 mins before eating, it is often given too late or too early and this is causing mum problems with her digestion. Then sometimes they give mum her meal in her room when she has been told she must go down to the dining room to eat which confuses her. When we talk to the manager she just says she will pass the message on to the staff (which I find funny as she is the one insisting that mum goes down to the dining room but she is letting the staff take mum's dinner up to her). There are 3 care staff on duty during the day, which seems short when there are 26 flats with elderly people in with differing needs.

There appears to be quite a few different staff, some with a certain amount of training and others with basic training. When I ring up I don't always know who I am talking to as I haven't encountered them before. I email the Manager rather than ring so that I have a paper trail. Also she is difficult to get hold of.

For me, the problem is being so far away. Each time I go I see a big difference. I try to talk to mum on the phone but that is problematic due to her bad hearing. And mum will tell me no one has been to see her or help her etc. My brother updates me about his visits and how mum is, but I receive no communication from the Sheltered Housing staff unless I ring them up and then they say mum is ok, nothing to worry about. And then when I visit I see a different side of things.

I have emailed the GP as I couldn't get hold of her.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
229
I would remind the manager of the need for person centred planning. That is would be to consider with preference and wishes of the individual.
it is a shame but polished socialisation does not cure altzheimers, or did I miss that clinical trial?
One size doesn’t fit all.
Will they make their halal and vegetarian residents eat pork sausages at the BBQ because they need to fit in?
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
229
I would remind the manager of the need for person centred planning. That is would be to consider with preference and wishes of the individual.
It is a shame but polished socialisation does not cure altzheimers, or did I miss that clinical trial?
One size doesn’t fit all.
Will they make their halal and vegetarian residents eat pork sausages at the BBQ because they need to fit in?
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
710
Mum has medication that needs to be given 20 mins before eating, it is often given too late or too early and this is causing mum problems with her digestion.
Hi @Lemons, I hear you, my Mum had the same and it was something that was really difficult to achieve even with home care visits 4 times a day - the only time it was achieved was in residential care, where they were sticklers for getting it right. Just wondering if Mum losing weight as a consequence?

Sounds like it is challenging for your brother too, trying to juggle work and the guilt of ensuring your Mum is ok without the additional support that is needed. Have you got Attendance Allowance for Mum (just thinking it may help sway her thinking if the care is being paid for by the government)?

I hope you get a response from the GP. All the best.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
229
Hi Lemons
Another though. On Amazon I purchased a phone that is designed for the hard of hearing ( and it was very cheap).
I am doing the maths of the staff team. 3 staff, so if one is on break or doing paper work That leaves 2 staff , that gives them 13 flats each to support?
If the residents all answer the door at the speed my mother would it’s a miracle they are getting any help at all!
 

Lemons

Registered User
Aug 27, 2019
20
Hi @Lemons, I hear you, my Mum had the same and it was something that was really difficult to achieve even with home care visits 4 times a day - the only time it was achieved was in residential care, where they were sticklers for getting it right. Just wondering if Mum losing weight as a consequence?

Sounds like it is challenging for your brother too, trying to juggle work and the guilt of ensuring your Mum is ok without the additional support that is needed. Have you got Attendance Allowance for Mum (just thinking it may help sway her thinking if the care is being paid for by the government)?

I hope you get a response from the GP. All the best.
Thanks, @Pete1.

Difficult to get mum on the scales, but I don't think she is losing weight. Just gets painful stomach aches which the hospital thinks is to do with constipation, which may be why she has accidents? Their giving of tablets for that is hit and miss as they ask mum if she needs any.

Mum does get AA and that was only for the lower amount as we were not informed that she was being charged for the higher. I have applied for the higher amount and waiting for their decision. I have asked for it to be backdated to when the Manager said they had started charging for it. If I hadn't asked what rate mum was on I wouldn't have known as all the charges are taken out via DD and included in the fees. It took ages to get a breakdown of what is included in the fees as DWP needed it to make an award. Long and complicated story!

Still waiting a response from the GP.

Thanks for listening.
 

Lemons

Registered User
Aug 27, 2019
20
I would remind the manager of the need for person centred planning. That is would be to consider with preference and wishes of the individual.
It is a shame but polished socialisation does not cure altzheimers, or did I miss that clinical trial?
One size doesn’t fit all.
Will they make their halal and vegetarian residents eat pork sausages at the BBQ because they need to fit in?
@Weasell, the manager will say that she does do person centred planning but the SW and Memory Clinic told her to get mum included in all social activities to help her from becoming isolated. I laughed inwardly as my mum has been isolating herself for years, long before she had Altzheimers. They do art and craft and mum is an accomplished artist and she doesn't like being told how to paint by someone who is giving her a simple task that a child could do. She hates bingo and the word games are again simple enough to be patronising to all the people there. And mum says "why do people who run these facilities think old folks bingo?"
 

Lemons

Registered User
Aug 27, 2019
20
Hi Lemons
Another though. On Amazon I purchased a phone that is designed for the hard of hearing ( and it was very cheap).
I am doing the maths of the staff team. 3 staff, so if one is on break or doing paper work That leaves 2 staff , that gives them 13 flats each to support?
If the residents all answer the door at the speed my mother would it’s a miracle they are getting any help at all!
Hi @Weasell,

Have you got a note of the phone you purchased? Mum has one for the hard of hearing but she still can't hear it ringing. Prob is she is in her bedroom most of the day and the phone is in the sitting room. The phone socket in her bedroom is dead and although we have asked who is supposed to get it fixed we haven't been able to get an answer.

The thing is there is a mix of elderly people, some who can manage ok and need none or little help, and don't know how many other people have Dementia, but trying to find someone to help other than pulling the emergency cord is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The office door is often closed which means the manager is somewhere in the building, I had to go and ask the cook where she was last time. She looked harassed when she finally came to see us. I think it is too many tenants for her and the other staff to cope with. May be ok when all are able to look after themselves.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
229
Hi @Weasell,

Have you got a note of the phone you purchased? Mum has one for the hard of hearing but she still can't hear it ringing. Prob is she is in her bedroom most of the day and the phone is in the sitting room. The phone socket in her bedroom is dead and although we have asked who is supposed to get it fixed we haven't been able to get an answer.

The thing is there is a mix of elderly people, some who can manage ok and need none or little help, and don't know how many other people have Dementia, but trying to find someone to help other than pulling the emergency cord is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The office door is often closed which means the manager is somewhere in the building, I had to go and ask the cook where she was last time. She looked harassed when she finally came to see us. I think it is too many tenants for her and the other staff to cope with. May be ok when all are able to look after themselves.
Hi Lemons,
I am away at the moment but will tell you the brand of the phone when I return. It doesn’t ring any louder than any other phone though. It is the speech heard down the receiver that it makes a bit clearer.
We had an external loud ringing bell on the wall, that was very loud.
I had a bedside socket installed for mum. I purchased two new BT phones. Only afterward I realised what I should have done is go on eBay and purchased discontinued Panasonic phones that look and work EXACTLY the same as her old one.
live and learn
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
it's a difficult situation as you want the best for your loved one, & can see room for improvement.
SW & GP don't always see or experience what you do & it's very frustrating !
documenting issues & pushing the SW are your best bet in my experience
 

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