1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Confused.com in southwest

    Sep 23, 2019
    Hi my dad has vascular dementia my mum has something similar but won't say what it is, my dad has just this afternoon called me after two weeks of silence and not answering the phone or messages to say my mum and him are disgusted in me for posting a adult joke to my face book page which appeared on my mum's news feed not profile , that it was disgusting and encouraging paedofilia?, Which it wasn't he then stated that i was a **** mother to my child and my child's allergies and medical problem were made up and not true, he went on ranting that I was showing off for likes on Facebook and wanted a fast car and big house and was a benefit cheat! I admit I butted in and offered to send him the medical reports from daughter's consultant and my medical records to prove to them I'm not lyeing, and that when we go over to see them i always call first to check if they are both up to a visit from grandchild of not we don't go or if we are busy or ill, nope I'm wrong in keeping her from them and staying on Facebook that she lives in a bubble and their home is dirty? . He then timewarped 8 years and said my home was covered in maggots and never cleaned and they had called social services to try for the last 2 weeks to convince them to let me keep my daughter? My home is cleaned every day dispute how much pain I'm in and I told him that he was sarcastic at that and accused me of talking and seeing my ex which I don't and would never do, I was so angry with him and hurt by what he was saying I asked him what would he like me to say to him, by which he replied don't contact us and hung up, now I would do just that but my daughter wants to see her grandparents she's only 7 and I know in a week , a day or a month they will forget all they have said and I'll be in dog house for keeping my daughter safe from the verbal abuse, I cannot guarantee she will be safe there, they both won't accept any help from anyone and I have tried to get them dementia help many a time again i get abuse for this, and they then say no one will help them and they are not entitled to any help, I'm the closest sibling my brother has almost nothing to do with them and they are him as golden balls do no wrong which is annoying I'm at a listener to do, I know if dad hurts mum I will be there to help mum no matter what but I'm feeling hurt and upset b the accusations about my daughter's medical problems and mine any advice what would be the best course of action?
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @Confused.com in southwest
    a warm welcome to DTP
    such a sad situation for you and your daughter
    unfortunately it sounds as though it's the dementia talking when your dad says those things, which goes towards explaining but doesn't take away the sting
    I think you'd be wise to let some time elapse before trying a visit, and even then be prepared to take your daughter away immediately if your parents become abusive or aggressive ... it's not fair on her to have them be nasty around her ... maybe have an excuse ready that you can state simply, then leave

    if your dad calls in this manner again, don't engage with him ... explaining, disagreeing, arguimg are all going to fuel the flame; he's no longer able to rationalise or sort the reality of any situation from the way he believes it to be ... so, again, make an excuse eg something's boiling overon the hob, apologise and end the call

    all you can do is keep their GP and Social Services up to date ... if they refuse help it cannot be forced on them, until they no longer have capacity or there is a crisis ....

    if you believe your mother is at risk from your father, make that very clear to Social Services, as it may be their way to step in ... tell SS that your mother is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to her husband's aggression and the LA have 'the duty of care' to ensure she receives the level of care she has been assessed as requiring
  3. Confused.com in southwest

    Sep 23, 2019
    Thank you for you advice I'll take you up on it , I have tried to get as in bird to help but they grandparents permission to do anything and that then sets both of the off so as you said my hands are tied, I sat and explained to my daughter both grandparents are poorly and when they are better ,calmer we would go and see them she doesn't understand about dementia so I just say grandparents are grumpy at the moment it sounds bad but I was going to move closer in currently in the next town to help them but after yesterday in going to keep both of us safe and stay where I am well away from the madness until it blows over. Just so maddening upsetting the things that he said i know they both will forget in a few weeks and then wonder why I've not called and messages i normally call three times a week and message on a for and Sunday night if hadn't gone over,
  4. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    I think you need to be the bigger person.

    If they have dementia in their world, they simply don't compute these things.
    Come the day they forget you call at all........

    Its NOT madness, and sadly it wont blow over. They dont even sound very far into this journey.
    Be glad they are still able to access computers and alike.
  5. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    I would stay away for a bit. Don’t mention the conversation because it does sound like it’s the dementia. Soon they won’t remember how to use the internet I expect.
  6. Confused.com in southwest

    Sep 23, 2019
    Yep I agree think dad is mid to late stage as it's progressing fast and these outburst are getting more frequent I'll try a visit in a few weeks and keep
    Ones of communication open and get on with planning my families holidays Xmas Thank you for the advice

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