Yes, a common problem is that most care homes can't cope with really challenging behaviour. I'm lucky that Jan's can, though as of last night even that is endangered because the administrators [PCT and social services] who have no practical knowledge of day to day hands on care, have called into doubt Jan's placement. The nightmare never seems to end!
Back to you. When people say 'the patient doesn't feel it as badly as you think', I generally work out whether they have been personally involved in a dementia situation - that is, has their family suffered. If not then I take their words as they're trying to be helpful, but totally in ignorance.
I look into Jan's eyes and I know she knows what is going on just as well as I do. I know it would be great to fool myself, but that wouldn't help her. Knowing her situation anyway keeps me be focused on doing my best to help her.
Frankly, no hospital environment will be ideal. The best we can hope for is a suitably equipped care home with staff and management who are totally supportive - and that the PCTs and Social Services do what they are supposed to do and provide resource, and don't try to pretend they understand the needs of well serviced patients. [sorry, personal gripe surfaces again, but the people in my case have not even visited Jan, or asked me about her care]
Keep on trying different things to see if they work for Phil, is my suggestion. When they do, adopt them and look for more. Let the staff know and they can try and do the same when you are not there.
I hope this is helpful, but fear not.....