Unwelcome suggestions

[CAL Y]

Just need to vent.
My husband died 9 months ago. I have some fantastic friends and we, 5 of us used to go out together for coffee or drinks etc.
Now we are down to 4 in the group we still meet often. We are, myself and my best friend and 2 men who I’ve known for many years.
We are all now single.
I was very shocked a couple of nights ago when a couple of people, who I thought were good friends suggested that I get together with one of the men in my group and didn't want to take no for an answer saying things like, you are both single, everyone needs a companion etc.
I couldn’t believe that they could be so insensitive.
I had been coping well up to that point but I was very upset and was once again overwhelmed with grief.

I have calmed down since and went out with the group today and told them what had been said. I think they were as shocked as I was but I think it was the right thing to do particularly as I will be driving the man in question for a hospital appointment this week and would have felt very uncomfortable on my own with him even though he knew nothing about it.
Anyway, I’m now back on an even keel but isn’t it sad that some people just can’t cope with the idea of a single woman, particularly a widow.
After caring for my husband for about three years until cancer finally gave both of us a release from that awful disease, I am actually quite enjoying the freedom I now have and at the age of 71 not interested in another relationship.

I don’t expect replies to my post but for those who made it to the end thank you for reading.

 

[canary]

a couple of people, who I thought were good friends suggested that I get together with one of the men in my group and didn't want to take no for an answer

And have these people been bereaved?
Im rather guessing that the answer is no. People who have not been bereaved seem to think that after a couple of months you should have "got over it" and should have "moved on" when in reality it takes a lot longer than that.

FWIW I think you have handled it in the best way
xxx

 

[CAL Y]

And have these people been bereaved?
Im rather guessing that the answer is no. People who have not been bereaved seem to think that after a couple of months you should have "got over it" and should have "moved on" when in reality it takes a lot longer than that.

FWIW I think you have handled it in the best way
xxx

Thank you canary. One of them has actually lost both her parents to dementia in the last few years. O.K. We were in a local wine bar so they had been drinking but that really isnt an excuse. It just beggars belief.

 

[canary]

One of them has actually lost both her parents to dementia in the last few years.

In that case I find it doubly unbelievable

 

[RosettaT]

I know exactly where you are coming from, @CAL Y I've been widowed for almost 6mths and a friend said a few weeks ago, 'This is Fred, Fred has been widowed for 3yrs and is more than happy to take you out for days as I've told him you are lonely'.
I was horrified, I'm not lonely at all and have no idea where he got that thought from. I know it was meant in a platonic way but I miss my husband dreadfully and there is no way I want to be with anyone else to help forget him, I felt backed into corner.
I like the freedom I have, I can go where I want, when I want with who I want, and I don't want people trying to organise me or my life. Especially when 6 mths is not long at all.

 

[CAL Y]

I know exactly where you are coming from, @CAL Y I've been widowed for almost 6mths and a friend said a few weeks ago, 'This is Fred, Fred has been widowed for 3yrs and is more than happy to take you out for days as I've told him you are lonely'.
I was horrified, I'm not lonely at all and have no idea where he got that thought from. I know it was meant in a platonic way but I miss my husband dreadfully and there is no way I want to be with anyone else to help forget him, I felt backed into corner.
I like the freedom I have, I can go where I want, when I want with who I want, and I don't want people trying to organise me or my life. Especially when 6 mths is not long at all.

That’s terrible. What is wrong with these people. In my case the man who they were suggesting has been a friend for almost 50 years. It would have been like dating my own brother.
Also, did anyone ask him before suggesting such a thing.

You are right. 6 months is no time at all. You are probably only just coming to terms with the shock of your loss.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Part of the problem are those people who cannot believe that a person can be happy being single. It feels to me that more and more there is this idea that happiness only comes with being in a relationship.

I didn't meet my husband till I was 41. Starting in my late twenties, I would be asked why I wasn't married. I usually replied "Just lucky, I guess". My great-aunt who was single all her life told me she would say "Nobody asked me". She said it shut people up quite nicely.

 

[CAL Y]

Part of the problem are those people who cannot believe that a person can be happy being single. It feels to me that more and more there is this idea that happiness only comes with being in a relationship.

I didn't meet my husband till I was 41. Starting in my late twenties, I would be asked why I wasn't married. I usually replied "Just lucky, I guess". My great-aunt who was single all her life told me she would say "Nobody asked me". She said it shut people up quite nicely.

Yes I agree. I am now twice widowed so I have spent 50 years of my life as part of a couple. I’m looking on this new phase of my life as just that and have to admit that in spite of everything Im enjoying doing something different.
Just 2 months after my husbands death I booked myself a foreign holiday, mainly because I needed to rest after some very difficult years and was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked being by myself.

 

[Izzy]

I agree with this from @Canadian Joanne

Part of the problem are those people who cannot believe that a person can be happy being single.

My husband died 6 years ago this Sunday. Like @CAL Y I booked myself a holiday abroad 2 months after I lost Bill. I realised then I enjoyed being on my own and doing things I wanted to do. 6 years down the line I miss my husband terribly but still enjoy doing things on my own.

 

[update2020]

I agree with this from @Canadian Joanne



My husband died 6 years ago this Sunday. Like @CAL Y I booked myself a holiday abroad 2 months after I lost Bill. I realised then I enjoyed being on my own and doing things I wanted to do. 6 years down the line I miss my husband terribly but still enjoy doing things on my own.

Yes to this and all of the above. I lost my husband in November and cannot bear the thought of another partner. I love him too much and nobody else could ever compare, I’m relieved and happy to be alone and free to do whatever I want and I’m scared of getting trapped as a carer again. Yes, I sometimes envy seemingly happy couples who’ve partners have survived without this trauma but I couldn’t start afresh with someone new.

 

[Lawson58]

A friend recently found herself in the same situation, widowed for a while and recovering from years of caring for her husband. Friends thought she should be looking around for future husband/partner/friend with benefits, even after she told them to butt out.

We decided that people who continually try and push singles into affairs are just so jealous of their freedoms that they can’t stop themselves from trying to sabotage it.

She is still single and wants to stay that way.

 

[CAL Y]

I agree with this from @Canadian Joanne



My husband died 6 years ago this Sunday. Like @CAL Y I booked myself a holiday abroad 2 months after I lost Bill. I realised then I enjoyed being on my own and doing things I wanted to do. 6 years down the line I miss my husband terribly but still enjoy doing things on my own.

My feeling exactly

 

[CAL Y]

Yes to this and all of the above. I lost my husband in November and cannot bear the thought of another partner. I love him too much and nobody else could ever compare, I’m relieved and happy to be alone and free to do whatever I want and I’m scared of getting trapped as a carer again. Yes, I sometimes envy seemingly happy couples who’ve partners have survived without this trauma but I couldn’t start afresh with someone new.

Thank you for this reply. You said what I was reluctant to say. I too would be worried about being trapped in another caring roll.
Relieved is a word that keeps coming up on these posts.

 

[CAL Y]

A friend recently found herself in the same situation, widowed for a while and recovering from years of caring for her husband. Friends thought she should be looking around for future husband/partner/friend with benefits, even after she told them to butt out.

We decided that people who continually try and push singles into affairs are just so jealous of their freedoms that they can’t stop themselves from trying to sabotage it.

She is still single and wants to stay that way.

That is an interesting thought Lawson. Maybe there is a bit of envy there.

 

[RosettaT]

Thank you for this reply. You said what I was reluctant to say. I too would be worried about being trapped in another caring roll.
Relieved is a word that keeps coming up on these posts.

Ditto - there is no way I would place myself in a situation where I would become a carer again. I did it for mum and I loved my husband more than life itself and would have looked after him until the end of my days if that's what it took, but I am not going to do it again.

 

[Starting on a journey]

@RosettaT , gosh you nailed it on the head for me. Four years since I lost my husband, 8 years and growing caring for my mum. Another marriage with the possibility of caring for someone with dementia, no way!
Don’t get me wrong if my children or their families needed help of course it would come immediately but I don’t want to enter the Alzheimer’s world voluntarily

 

[Anthoula]

Ditto - there is no way I would place myself in a situation where I would become a carer again. I did it for mum and I loved my husband more than life itself and would have looked after him until the end of my days if that's what it took, but I am not going to do it again.

I cared for my son for many years (due to temporal lobe syndrome and status epilepsy), until he died aged 23, and would have willingly done so until the end of my life. Then my mother developed dementia and I cared for her until her passing some years later. Now I am the carer for my partner who was diagnosed with vascular dementia nearly 2 years ago, and I will be honest I am struggling in the role even though he is only bordering between the early and mid stages of the disease. Perhaps I may be considered selfish but I hoped for no more caring duties (other than the normal domestic ones) with a few relaxing years before my own time is up ( I am 75).

 

[update2020]

Thank you for this reply. You said what I was reluctant to say. I too would be worried about being trapped in another caring roll.
Relieved is a word that keeps coming up on these posts.

I spoke from the heart and yes there are quite a few interesting words in there! The whole experience changed me fundamentally but it’s good to feel that the deep love is still there, despite its terrible drawn out ending. I constantly think of him (both the good things and the dreadful dementia that developed) and would constantly compare any new partner to him. That would be very unfair to them.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I got divorced nearly 20 years ago and consider myself single since. Not entirely true - I have had the same boyfriend for about 18 years but he lives at the other end of the country. Although we are 'together' and 'a couple' to some of our friends, I have no desire to move in with him, thank you very much! We're both getting older, he's ill now with leukaemia but I won't be going to look after him. (Nothing I could do actually.)

He's a lovely man but difficult in many ways. I'll be honest - the main thing that stops me moving in with him (or anyone else!) is my fear of dementia. After looking after my mum for years, I'm afraid I wouldn't do that again, not for anyone.

 

[Little moth]

My husband died nearly 4 months ago and I helped to look after my Mum who died in February. I so relate to your feelings.
I have been through so many emotions, guilt, anger, sadness, totally bereft and I must admit to relief. The thought of going through dementia again with someone new horrifies me.
Well meaning people suggest clubs, U3A, holidays etc but I will do things in my own time, if I want to. I feel that I would like a break sometime on my own. A friend has suggested coming with me and I am not keen on that. Awkward.
I am finding that I like the freedom of my own company, there are no arguments.