1. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    183
    hubby has been in care 3 weeks its the worst 3 weeks of my life i have shed more tears than i thought possible. we go to see him3 times a week but the visits are horrible all we get is i want to go home then he gets angry with us because we wont take him.then he keeps saying he is going to kill himself. In this 3 weeks some how he has lost 2 pairs of glasses and his dentures the home says they cant find them i found one pair of glasses on another man so maybe someone is wearing his dentures , so i now have to buy glasses and dentures, some times when we go i think i should have kept him at home but i was worn out , i feel so quilty for putting him there and so sad .i suppose things will get better in time and we will have some nice visits
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,898
    Female
    Scotland
    It will get better. It must get better. These are difficult adjustments you are having to make. See that everything is labelled using bright nail polish to paint names in things which can't be labelled.

    Good wishes.
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,546
    Female
    England
    Things will still be very strange for your husband. Because of his dementia he will need longer to settle in, to become familiar with his surroundings and the staff who are there to care for him.

    He may never stop asking to go home, home can be where he lived years ago or somewhere only heknows about. When my husband was at home he did not recognise his home of 46 years as his home. When I asked him where home was he gave our address complete with post code but he was not recognising it as home.

    Missing items are annoying, we have been there and I could write a book about it. Glasses are difficult to keep track off especially if not worn continuously and are put down. I walked into the sitting room one day in my husband's nursing home and a resident was asleep in his chair. He was wearing his glasses, had a pair slotted into the V of his jumper and holding a pair in his hand. He had obviously picked them up on his way around thinking they were his. The ones on his nose were my husband's identified by the bright red nail varnish painted onto the inside of the arms.

    Photos in my husband's room have sticky labels on the back with name and room number, so has his tv remote. Things do go missing but as there are only 9 men on the floor they soon reappear.

    Hang on in there, it is difficult but it does get easier as you begin to accept the decision was the right one and your husband acclimatises to living in his new home.
     
  4. Navara

    Navara Registered User

    Nov 30, 2012
    181
    My mother was in her care home for nearly three years and every single visit she complained about everything and despite having no memory for anything else, never let up on reminding us that back in the day old people were care for by their families. She's now in a nursing home with end stage vascular/alzheimers and STILL screws her face up when we ask how she's doing and says "I'm coming with you" or words to that effect when we say goodbye. We've come to accept that nothing's going to change, we did what we had to do and not to dwell on it. Sad to say but you have to get emotionally tough to survive in this game.

    With regard to things going missing in homes, when residents are still mobile this is pretty common and from our experience its best not to jump to conclusions about what's happening. Mum lost things quite regularly and we were ready to blame the care staff but nine times out of ten it was because she'd "put them somewhere safe" - eg hearing aids in one of the compartments in a box of chocolates etc!

    Clothing was something else we got easily upset about at first too as mum took some very nice quality items into the home and they just got ruined. You have to remember they're laundering a large amount of clothes every day and just don't have time to take as much care as you might yourself so choose the easy care stuff - white cotton underwear that will survive a hot wash, polyester, poly/cotton day and nightclothes, fleece dressing gowns, bodywarmers and tops(not pale colours) are what we've found fare best in the rigours of the care home wash.

    Good luck. I do feel for all our members who have a partner in a care home - its bad enough when its a parent.
     
  5. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    Mum's been in a care home for a week and I have cried buckets every single day, and mum has asked to go home every single day. She complains she's in a place full of nutters, we don't want her, she's fine at home on her own (like NOT). It's tearing me apart and I just want to go and fetch her. This awful disease is just a slow death sentence for us all.
     
  6. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    My husband IS at home and he asks to go home. I think home is an idea, a place that's familiar and where a person feels safe..Perhaps it's like asking to go back to childhood, if that childhood was a good one.
     
  7. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    The problem is that mum has been in this house for over 60 years and can describe each room in detail, she knows her address, date of birth. She seems very grounded to everyone it's just that she's just had so many falls and can't manage the stair lift properly any longer. Her frailty is increasing faster than the dementia and at 90 she's still pretty amazing. The guilt over not looking after her is killing me (I live 120 miles away, our home isn't suitable and I still work mostly full time). How do we come to terms with it......
     
  8. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,725
    North Somerset
    My OH has been in his CH since July and it has taken until January for him to feel really settled. Still tells me he is going home when he has 'finished what he is doing' but doesn't make a fuss about me leaving. The upset and guilty feeling has only lessened recently but hopefully your partner will settle in too. It does take time.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  9. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    Heartrending for you, Loveahug, and I'm so sorry. Perhaps, as long as she believes her house is still waiting for her to go back when she's built up her strength, she won't feel quite so distressed.

    You are looking after her the best way possible, so don't let guilt creep up on you.
     
  10. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    Aren't we lucky to be able to share everything here on TP? Offering a group hug to marmalade who's so stricken, I do hope it eases a little. Yes I know we try and do the right thing but what we can't do is cure the dementia. My mum would still fight heaven and earth to stay at home even without the dementia.

    There are many of us on here who don't get guilt creeping up on us because it lives with us on our shoulders BIG time. It's so tiring carrying the weight of it and anyone who can offer up a solution that doesn't involve drink or drugs deserves a huge medal.
     
  11. sinkhole

    sinkhole Registered User

    Jan 28, 2015
    270
    #11 sinkhole, Feb 5, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
    I've just been to look around a nursing home which might end up being the place my mum and aunt have to go to if/when things get too difficult to cope at home.

    They won't want to go there and I don't want them to have to go there, but I know that there may be no other realistic choice when the time comes.

    When children go to school for the first time they may not want to go and might beg you to take them home. I know I didn't like some of the schools I went to, but of course it was for my own good and my mother wouldn't have been able to cope with me at home or give me the schooling I needed, so it was for everyone's good that I went.

    I looked at the home today and realised that there's no way I could give my mum and aunt the sort of care they need, in their own homes, for the money we have (we are self-funding). It's not going to be at all easy for me when the time comes, but I will keep telling myself it is the best option to keep them safe, manage their conditions and give them the best quality of life possible.

    Time is the great healer and it will gradually become easier to bear for everyone as the days go by. Whatever you think, though, you shouldn't feel guilty in any way because you are doing the best for them. Just keep telling yourself!
     
  12. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    John was in a Care Home for 7 months, and I can completely empathise and sympathise with every post. Things go missing, clothes seem creased, loved ones are criticised, hurtful and hateful accusations are made, and rivers of tears are shed. Umpteen pairs of glasses disappeared, as did watches (all cheap).

    But ....... it's easier than caring at home, 24/7, especially if you've been doing it single handedly for yonks. And I could get some sleep. Are you happy that your loved one is safe? Are they treated with patience and kindness? Are other residents treated the same? Is it warm? Does the food seem nourishing and plentiful?

    It took me over a decade to accept that John wasn't raging at me, but rather at his illness. Actually, I might have accepted it, but it didn't stop me feeling hurt, angry, bitter, envious of other people who didn't have these problems in their lives, and crying nearly every day.

    But, my goodness, the love, care and support I had, and still have, from TP helped me get through Yet Another Day. I don't think I could have coped without it, and when times were bad, the cyber hugs were priceless.

    I was, and still am, a great believer in Alzheimer Lies. John thought he was in a hotel and when he told me that he was doing the accounts, or admin work, I said that this was because he was so efficient, and was in lieu of me paying expensive hotel costs.

    Of course, he never did this work, no more was he travelling up to London to his old job, and paying half a crown for his ticket, but I assured him he was being paid by his firm. When he asked, in the first few months, to come home, I invented home renovations that would be too messy for him to live in.

    Yes, I lied, and I hated myself for doing it, but it became second nature, and it kept John happy, and that's what mattered.
     
  13. Solihull

    Solihull Registered User

    Oct 2, 2014
    97
    West Midlands
    #13 Solihull, Feb 5, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
    Loveahug just think how guilty you would have felt if your mum had come to harm in her old home and you blamed yourself for not having put her into safe care which is how I look at my situation. The kindest thing in the world is to make sure that your loved one is safe, clean and well fed. My mum asked to go home for about the first 6 weeks and apparently only when I was there so I cut down the visits and she settled in. Six months on and life is so much better. Yes things have disappeared like glasses & clothes but in the grand scale I don't worry about those things any more. The guilt will lessen and you will soon wonder how you managed before. Be strong, give her lots of hugs then walk away and leave it to the experts.
    Sue
    X
     
  14. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    856
    WEST SUSSEX
    I feel for you so much - when my husband still had the strength he would often "pack" ready to "go home" from his NH. I would arrive to find everything un-neatly stacked in the corridor or in bags and waste paper bins ready for the "off". For months I found his regular "let's go" which obviously meant lets get me out of here, most un-nerving. He constantly asked where the car was parked - the sadder part I think of having a loved one "in care". I sincerely hope things settle down for you both - I fear you just have to "weather the storm" for the time being.

    Thinking of you both WIFE
     
  15. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    183
    not so alone

    many thanks for all of you who replied to my e mail [unhappy days] it has made things a bit better knowing that i am in good company and everyone knows what im feeling sometimes i can do things and forget for a while but its still hard as you all know ,we are going for another visit Saturday me my son and daughter so fingers crossed we may get a few calm minutes before things go down hill
     
  16. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    It's a huge help that there will be 3 of you, because that makes conversation so much easier, but it doesn't make it any easier for you, as you're the one going through it. The hardest thing I found about visiting was that my first instinct was to ask questions.

    For example, how are you, did you enjoy your dinner, are they looking after you. And, of course, for John, it was useless asking anything. So then I changed things to "well you're looking well today!". "I can see the food's agreeing with you. :)". "The staff at this hotel must be looking after you really well, because you look great".

    This was all said with a smile nailed on my face, in a Joyce Grenfell sort of voice, and then I would chat about "safe" things. To explain, it was no good saying I had been to X or Y, for fear that John would want to go to X or Y too. So I remember once I spoke for about 10 minutes on my specialist subject of the day: pyjamas.

    I said I could remember my Dad wearing pyjamas with a white cord through the waist, and John piped up he could remember those too. I then discussed the different patterns, such as spotted, jacquard, striped, paisley, chevron, plain, and the different colours available.

    Also the fabrics, polyester, cotton, winceyette, poplin, flannelette. It's amazing what you can talk about. Occasion ally John might have said "I had some like that". Anything, anything, anything to avoid him asking to go home.
     
  17. sinkhole

    sinkhole Registered User

    Jan 28, 2015
    270
    Brilliant. This is what I think it's often all about. Distraction from anything which might cause distress, even if it means talking about something ridiculous for most of the time.

    If it's not possible to have a logical, meaningful conversation with your loved one then I'd much rather have a good-humoured nonsensical one. Better than no communication or a load more stress and upset.
     
  18. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Remember, I'd had a lot of practise. ;) If John was asleep, I'd still mutter away, talking about meals we'd enjoyed, places we'd visited, or I'd sing some songs that he could remember.

    But if he was awake, I'd talk about anything and everything, all the different breeds of dogs we knew was another good one. John might add "don't forget those with stripes", or "the cows with pointy ears". All complete and utter nonsense, but it helped make a tense visit just that tiny bit less stressed.
     
  19. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,736
    North East Lincs
    Thanks Sinkhole and Scarlett I have found your exchanges really helpful. Its great to read what real 'experts' have tried and tested - it makes you wonder about academics who hold forth on the subject of dementia. If any of 'the old hands' had time I know that they could construct an excellent induction course for new carers like myself.:):)
     
  20. Navara

    Navara Registered User

    Nov 30, 2012
    181
    I fully agree that its far better to talk nonsense than have everyone get upset by trying to hold a sensible conversation!

    Today we talked about birthdays as mine is coming up soon. After a whole lot of nonsense mum then shocked me when I asked her if she could remember the date I was born and she was spot on with her answer! A little spark of brightness that made my day.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.