Trying to deal with emotions every day

[Toopie28]

Mas been in the care home for nearly 4 months. She's still unhappy and wants to leave and so very fragile and I'm trying everything to settle her.

I've really tried to come to terms with this. Her being in a care home. As well as letting go of control.

I don't want to say it's getting harder every day, but I do know it's not getting easier.

Several days ago, she had a toilet incident. She couldn't clean herself. I knew this moment was coming. But if there's one thing that Ma knows is when she soils herself. She's very proud and doesn't even let the carers clean her when she goes to the bathroom. She gets so upset and has only done this once since dementia began

The fact is, the care home had given her extra Lactulose. They thought she was constipated. (She's just been eating a lot and is always full and I tried to explain that to them - this is another issue that's ongoing )
I said that it was fine to give her an extra dose. But I stressed that they would have to look out for it because she was not incontinent but would be with diarrhea. Just that she wouldn't know how to clean it up cuz it's so messy . (Sorry to get so specific).
I told them she would be upset and they responded "of course."
I knew they wouldn't and would forget the moment I hung up.

I can't blame the staff because they're just doing what they're meant to do. I know they don't communicate between each other and again they have 30 odd people to take care of. They can't stand there and wait for Ma to go to the bathroom.

Ma has been so upset. She still hasn't forgotten. She doesn't understand that it was due to the lactulose and not her and she's just embarrassed and doesn't want to go out of her room or even be seen by anyone. I know she will eventually forget but I won't.

It's just the lack of control that I am finding so hard. It's just this influx of emotion that I feel when this kind of thing happens. Everyday it's something. How do you deal with it? Do you ever stop feeling sad? Do you ever come to terms with the fact that you just need to let it go and trust that it's just part of what's going to happen?

I think I'm just venting or writing my words down on paper.

I'm halfway across the world but even if I was next door there's nothing I could do. I don't think... Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[Lovegardening*]

Mas been in the care home for nearly 4 months. She's still unhappy and wants to leave and so very fragile and I'm trying everything to settle her.

I've really tried to come to terms with this. Her being in a care home. As well as letting go of control.

I don't want to say it's getting harder every day, but I do know it's not getting easier.

Several days ago, she had a toilet incident. She couldn't clean herself. I knew this moment was coming. But if there's one thing that Ma knows is when she soils herself. She's very proud and doesn't even let the carers clean her when she goes to the bathroom. She gets so upset and has only done this once since dementia began

The fact is, the care home had given her extra Lactulose. They thought she was constipated. (She's just been eating a lot and is always full and I tried to explain that to them - this is another issue that's ongoing )
I said that it was fine to give her an extra dose. But I stressed that they would have to look out for it because she was not incontinent but would be with diarrhea. Just that she wouldn't know how to clean it up cuz it's so messy . (Sorry to get so specific).
I told them she would be upset and they responded "of course."
I knew they wouldn't and would forget the moment I hung up.

I can't blame the staff because they're just doing what they're meant to do. I know they don't communicate between each other and again they have 30 odd people to take care of. They can't stand there and wait for Ma to go to the bathroom.

Ma has been so upset. She still hasn't forgotten. She doesn't understand that it was due to the lactulose and not her and she's just embarrassed and doesn't want to go out of her room or even be seen by anyone. I know she will eventually forget but I won't.

It's just the lack of control that I am finding so hard. It's just this influx of emotion that I feel when this kind of thing happens. Everyday it's something. How do you deal with it? Do you ever stop feeling sad? Do you ever come to terms with the fact that you just need to let it go and trust that it's just part of what's going to happen?

I think I'm just venting or writing my words down on paper.

I'm halfway across the world but even if I was next door there's nothing I could do. I don't think... Anyway, thanks for listening.

Hi Toopie
Im sorry you're feeling this way and I understand too. My sister has recently been diagnosed with alzeihmers and my emotions are all over the place too. I agree it is one thing after the other and emotionally it's like grieving.
When I've been with my sister I try so hard to be upbeat and happy but as soon as I leave it's like a deep dark cloud of sadness appears. It's only when Im busy that I forget for a while so my only advice would be to try to forget sometimes too. Even if it's only for a short time, try to focus on something else.
You take care.

 

[Toopie28]

Hi Toopie
Im sorry you're feeling this way and I understand too. My sister has recently been diagnosed with alzeihmers and my emotions are all over the place too. I agree it is one thing after the other and emotionally it's like grieving.
When I've been with my sister I try so hard to be upbeat and happy but as soon as I leave it's like a deep dark cloud of sadness appears. It's only when Im busy that I forget for a while so my only advice would be to try to forget sometimes too. Even if it's only for a short time, try to focus on something else.
You take care.

I'm so sorry! Thank you so much for your kind words. My heart breaks every time I see a new member. It's just soul crushing.

I will, thank you. I go on a lot of walks with a lot of loud music.

You hang in there too!

 

[Calon Lan]

Hello Toopie,

I am so sorry. Your feelings about your mum sound very similar to those I have about my mum. She has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, first diagnosed in 2019. She moved into residential care in February 2023. Prior to that I had looked after her in her own home for nearly three years.

I am sure you are not alone in finding it hard to let go, that’s something I still struggle with every day. It’s so hard moving a parent into residential care, and things may not feel easier afterwards. I think you are right though, sometimes there is nothing more we can do - even if we were next door. It’s just not possible to manage 24/7 care of someone with dementia without a lot of help and support. Very often a care home becomes the best way forward - when there really are no good options.

For me, the sadness is always there, but I think it’s less intense than 12 months ago when I was not coping well at all. I hope that the situation starts to feel a bit easier for you soon.

Enjoy your walks and take care of yourself.

 

[Springfield]

I too understand your feelings. My OH has Frontotemporal dementia and has just had a hip replacement. His mobility was very compromised before the operation and made getting to the loo traumatic. I had managed to get him into wearing pads. In the hospital they were giving him laxatives (I did not know this) and we had a lot of "accidents". I was dreading him coming home. Once home and I realised that the laxatives were responsible I stopped them. The continence is improved slightly but he is still slower at moving and makes a mess in the bathroom. The amount of washing etc is huge and I am struggling to cope with it all. He is 82 and does not accept his diagnosis and does not realise the impact on me. I am 75 and tired!
No-one can tell you what you have to face when given a diagnosis. This is the first time for most of us for having to deal with the issues. The strong emotions involved are sometimes overwhelming.
Take care and make sure you practice self-care.