Troubling times ahead

[Womomo]

I'm hoping that someone out there may have some advice or words of wisdom for the circumstances that my husband and I currently find ourselves in.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia and atrial fibrillation in 2016. Physically she is very fit and does a lot of walking but her day to day memory and general confusion has steadily got worse. Whilst she can dress herself, she tends to wear the same clothes all the time and nothing ends up in the wash and she does not shower or bath but tends to use talc to mask anything. She can also forget to eat or drink unless prompted. She was prescribed medication back in 2016/17 for the dementia and atrial fibrillation which she has refused to take and she won't go to the doctor.
Her husband is currently at end of life and has just moved from the local hospital (where we were able to visit him quite regularly via appointment) to a home where we are restricted to seeing him once a week. Sadly the local Hospice has no available beds.
We all live together although, up until this Spring, my in-laws spent all their time abroad (Portugal in the Winter and the USA in the Summer). My father-in-law did everything in terms of organisation, cooking meals, shopping etc. She hates being in the UK and her kneejerk reaction is to book a flight to the USA so she can be with her daughter. There is no way she could negotiate two international airports on her own and overseas travel is not exactly encouraged right now!
We are really struggling to explain why she cannot visit her husband at the moment. We've had some episodes of paranoia and accusation already and we are desperately worried about how my father-in-laws impending death will effect her, especially if she is not able to be there at the end.
My husband and I and our teenage son all work so she spends several hours at home alone each day. She goes out for walks and we have no fear of her wandering off as she is very familiar with our surroundings, but the time spent alone is undoubtedly not good for her. I fear that bringing up the subject of a carer coming in will not be met with open arms, especially as her long term care plan is "Put me on a train"!
So, any encouragement, advice or shared experiences would be very much welcome!

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Womomo . I'm sorry to hear about your father in law. There may be something in this link that will help with explaining things to your mother in law. It has some useful tips on various subjects:

Is it okay to lie to someone with dementia?

A person with dementia might ask questions that are difficult to answer truthfully without causing distress. Read our advice on why the person might be asking these questions and how to respond in situations where it might be better to lie or to not tell the whole truth.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

It's so hard trying to help somebody who doesn't want it. Could you use the old ruse of introducing a carer as a friend who needs a job so that it looks as though your mother is law in helping them out? Would that appeal to her do you think?

 

[Womomo]

Thank you

Hi Womomo,
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. We've been here as well. The US borders are all closed. They have been closed to all international commercial flights since March. The USA is effectively shut. Unless she holds an American passport, if so she would be treated as a 'repatriation' on a one way ticket for Americans going home. No UK or European passport holders can travel to the USA since March, Trump cancelled everyone's ESTAs. So you cannot board a flight. So that solves that for her.
We arranged carers for Mum, and told her they were home helps and some company. She didn't like it, but she endured it.

I hadn't thought about that with regards to her not even being able to travel to the USA. I never thought I’d be thankful to Donald Trump for anything! Thank you so much.

 

[Womomo]

That link was so helpful, thank you lemonbalm. I even called the number and spoke to a lovely lady who has really helped us. Especially as I’ve arrived home today to be told by my mother-in-law that her husband is ‘shacking up’ with a nurse and that, as she has been abandoned, she plans to head out to Alaska!
I think the carer angle is a great one too. Thank you!

 

[imthedaughter]

I’ve arrived home today to be told by my mother-in-law that her husband is ‘shacking up’ with a nurse and that, as she has been abandoned, she plans to head out to Alaska!

Alaska? Wow. My dad is often on his way to Australia but at least it's relatively temperate there!

 

[lemonbalm]

That link was so helpful, thank you lemonbalm. I even called the number and spoke to a lovely lady who has really helped us. Especially as I’ve arrived home today to be told by my mother-in-law that her husband is ‘shacking up’ with a nurse and that, as she has been abandoned, she plans to head out to Alaska!
I think the carer angle is a great one too. Thank you!

So pleased it was helpful. Keep us posted on how things are going. When mum was still living at home and I was looking after her, I used to tell my husband I was off to my parallel universe every morning ?.

 

[canary]

I’ve arrived home today to be told by my mother-in-law that her husband is ‘shacking up’ with a nurse and that, as she has been abandoned, she plans to head out to Alaska!

My mum was unable to remember/understand that her husband had died and was convinced that he was living in the flat upstairs with his "fancy piece".
Needless to say, there was no husband, no "fancy piece" and, indeed, no upstairs flat as she lived in a bungalow.......

It was very difficult and nothing I said seemed to be right.

 

[Womomo]

Oh your replies have really made me smile! Thank you. ?
We have had a positive development this afternoon - she managed to Facetime my father-in-law and the home have confirmed that they are now allowing her to visit any afternoon that she chooses. It will make things so much easier for the time being. Seems we can maybe tuck the passport away for a little while!