Tracy ,Does mum really need to be in care.??

[Me time]

Hi, all read every post and answer. On other people's issues and all seem relevant and heart felt to me.
I care for mum and recently she was admitted for excruciating pain. Anyway stay in hospital took its toll on mum and although out and in restbite didn't eat or drink n bounced back to hospital refusing meds n really confused.
They've assessed mum and found early dimentia n said she needs 24 hr care. I can't sleep, feel like my heart aches, cried when I looked at care homes ss has suggested. How do I stop myself wanting to take her home n try to prove them all wrong. She's always been my rock, how can I be a good daughter if it feels so bad. She's okay n chatty one minute then drifts off loosing her thread. She's overcome
so much losing her husband, losing a leg in recent yrs, nearly losing other one. Losing sight in her left eye but she keeps going. She's a tough cookie is my mum. How do I know what's best. Will it feel like the right thing or will I still feel like I've betrayed my step dads
dying promise to look after your mum.

 

[canary]

Hello Tracy
It sounds to me that you have had two big shocks all at once - having your mums diagnosis and also discovering that she needs to move to a care home. Each one of these can be overwhelming and you are having to deal with both

Hospitals and Social Services do not lightly recommend that people move into residential care. The NHS and SS mantra is that people are better off in their own homes, so if they are saying this, then unfortunately, I doubt that they are wrong.

When someone needs 24/7 care, this means that they need someone watching over them literally every single minute, night and day and you cannot leave them at all. This is impossible for one person to do because you have to do housework, answer the phone, go to the loo and occasionally sleep - working, having a relationship or any sort of life of your own would be totally out. When people with dementia reach this stage they need a whole team of people looking after them, not one frazzled and resentful carer (which, believe me, you would soon become). Even a care package of 4 carer visits a day would not be enough.

A care home is not failure, even though the general perception of them is this. Care homes exist for a reason and many people do very well in them. My mum positively thrived in hers, made friends and joined in the activities. You will not be abandoning your mum. You will still come to see her, talk to her, maybe take her out for day trips to places or just tea and cake somewhere. You dont have to do the hard hands-on stuff to fulfil your promise to your dad, making sure that she is properly cared for is looking after your mum.

 

[Louise7]

Hello Tracy, welcome to the forum, you will find support here from people who understand. When a loved one moves into care it does take a while to adjust to the changes but it doesn't mean that you have stopped looking after your mum. You have made sure that she is safe and cared for and although it doesn't feel like it now things will start to gradually feel a bit better, although it will take some time. My mum is in a care home and it hasn't meant that I am less of a daughter to her, or care for her less. I visit when I can and spend quality time with her and although things are different now you do find a new type of 'normal'. There is a lot of shared knowledge here, people know how you are feeling, and there is always someone to listen if you need it.

 

[Me time]

Hello Tracy, welcome to the forum, you will find support here from people who understand. When a loved one moves into care it does take a while to adjust to the changes but it doesn't mean that you have stopped looking after your mum. You have made sure that she is safe and cared for and although it doesn't feel like it now things will start to gradually feel a bit better, although it will take some time. My mum is in a care home and it hasn't meant that I am less of a daughter to her, or care for her less. I visit when I can and spend quality time with her and although things are different now you do find a new type of 'normal'. There is a lot of shared knowledge here, people know how you are feeling, and there is always someone to listen if you need it.

Thank you, nice to know I'm not on my own although it does feel like it at times, I do have siblings but they are very matter of fact about it all. Getting on with their own lives I suppose n had time to distance them selves before now. Will try to switch my head off. Thank you for sharing your experiences at what I know is a difficult time for anyone.

 

[Louise7]

You're definitely not on your own here Tracy, keep posting, and let us know how you and your mum are doing. It's hard but sometimes things don't seem so bad when you know that there are others in the same boat, experiencing the same things.

 

[Lemondrop]

Tracy, my girl, it’s tough, but for a short time in life, but feels longer. I stand shoulder to shoulder with you! I know your pain n thoughts n feelings! Keep strong 🙏🏻Xx

 

[Me time]

❤️❤️❤️

 

[Me time]

Thank you everyone, update on mum in nursing care home. Is it bad to deflect or distract mum when she pleads to go back to her bungalow where she has happy memories of her and late husband. When she talks she's seems normal then will say something non sensible or say she's seen someone in window(she's on 2nd floor) My heart feels like when she's clear I could bundle her in car n take her home. But on flip side when she doesn't make sense or sees things I'm thinking is it boredom that lets her imagination run away with her. Would she be better of in her home is my heart telling me. She could do more back at home. Do I keep deflecting pleas for home or tell her shes stopping where she is. Terrified she'll give up on life n stop eating again can't bear the though.!!

 

[Weasell]

Hi @Me time

i would tell her the boiler has broken down and the plumber can’t call until the 16th December.
on the 16th December the plumber will say it needs a spare part delivered from China, arrival date the first week of January.
You will be so disappointed in the new year when the wrong part arrives and it has to be re ordered.
The first week of February could bring a nasty virus to the poor plumber.
Early March could find the boiler fixed.
But the cold weather may have left some damp patches that the decorator will sort.
Is it possible that the decorator finds some unforseen problems? He may even have some home life trauma involving a sick pet?

 

[canary]

No, its not bad to deflect and distract. There is no need to upset her by telling her that she is staying there permanently

when she doesn't make sense or sees things I'm thinking is it boredom that lets her imagination run away with her.

No it isnt boredom, these are symptoms of dementia. People with dementia often live more and more in an "alternative reality", although they may have lucid periods. You have to just go with the flow.

 

[Banjomansmate]

One day while sitting in the Dr’s waiting room The Banjoman was positive he saw a clown outside - there wasn’t!

 

[sdmhred]

I must admit I’ve rather come to like the ‘love lies’. Having been brought up to be scrupulously honest I rather enjoy the permission to tell fibs And deflect. Mum is currently reasonably happy in care but when lucid finds it sad…..so I am then half honest …..‘I’ve paid for the next few weeks only’…..well that’s true!

But she also wants to know why I am not staying with her …which is where we have gone to town…..so rather than me being at ’home’…I am also in convalescence but hers is for the over 80s so I am at a different one….sadly for me being younger it’s rehab….I have to do my own cooking, cleaning and work activities (completely true 🙈🙈🤣🤣)….we then deflect onto how great it is that mum is waited on…which she finds hilarious…

Im so deadpan about this one of the carers who was overhearing us discussing this thought I actually was in rehab 🙈🙈😱😱 from what I am not sure 🤣🤣

 

[Me time]

Thank you for advice guys n gals.
Xmas is family time it feels disjointed now and the head is dethroned. Feel like I'm so used to looking after her. Not sure how to function as me.

I must admit I’ve rather come to like the ‘love lies’. Having been brought up to be scrupulously honest I rather enjoy the permission to tell fibs And deflect. Mum is currently reasonably happy in care but when lucid finds it sad…..so I am then half honest …..‘I’ve paid for the next few weeks only’…..well that’s true!

But she also wants to know why I am not staying with her …which is where we have gone to town…..so rather than me being at ’home’…I am also in convalescence but hers is for the over 80s so I am at a different one….sadly for me being younger it’s rehab….I have to do my own cooking, cleaning and work activities (completely true 🙈🙈🤣🤣)….we then deflect onto how great it is that mum is waited on…which she finds hilarious…

Im so deadpan about this one of the carers who was overhearing us discussing this thought I actually was in rehab 🙈🙈😱😱 from what I am not sure 🤣🤣

Thank you sdmhred, still feel like I should take her home, can't concentrate or sleep for feelings of guilt. But on other hand all I want is to see her happy, n be happy myself at being able to go back to being a daughter n not here's my Career.🤔🤔

 

[sdmhred]

Oh bless you - I’m quite thankful that it was impossible for me to keep mum at home because of her mobility. The recommended care package was to leave her bedbound so it was a no brainer that she needed to be in residential so she could have some quality of life.

Dont rush at being ‘just you’. I havent had a normal life since the week before lockdown 🙈🙈 I’m taking time to rebuild my life in the way I want rather than rush into what others say.

I still very much see myself as a carer - all the admin, oversee the care plans etc. I’m currently spending the evenings with mum and when she’s physically able I am doing her nightie change etc…because I want to. I think others think I’m a bit mad for hanging out in a dementia home, but I am hanging out with my mum whilst she still recognises me.

Are there things in mind you can do to make this change be positive for mum and you?

take care - it’s such a rocky ride we are all on…and this time is a difficult transition time for us xxx