I am totally distraught and don't know what to do for the best. My mother has Alzheimers, lives on her own 2 hours drive away from me and 3 hours from my brother. A carer calls in for 30 minutes a day to check she is OK. Physically she is fine - can wash, dress etc and is very fit. She can still cook one meal for herself (grilled steak with boiled potatoes & peas) so has that for lunch every day. The problem is the confusion she suffers from. She does lots of "silly" things, like putting things in strange places, losing money around the house, etc., etc., and has great difficulty understanding anything that is said to her. Occasionally she does something more worrying - she has at least once (to our knowledge) left the iron on, face down on the ironing board, and several times she has switched off the fridge or the Careline alarm system at the plug, and been unable to understand what she has done, let alone been able to switch them on again.
The problem is how my brother and I react to these things. My brother is extremely stressed with it all, can't sleep, has very high blood pressure, and every time there is a new problem he blows a gasket and insists that she has got to go into a home. A year ago my Mum was talking about wanting to go into care, but since then she has changed her mind and is now refusing to consider it "yet", always saying she will move in "a year or two" or "when she's in her 90s" (she is 87). Although I would be very happy if she chose to move into residential care, I don't think social services would say she needed to be in residential care, as she is just about coping with just 30 minutes of care a day, (but she is self-funding so social services are not involved).
2 weeks ago we had several problems in a matter of days, and my brother told Mum (over the phone) that he was coming up to collect her and take her to a care home whether she liked it or not. Needless to say this upset her greatly, but apparently she packed a suitcase. Of course, he had not checked whether the care home we have chosen had a vacancy, and they didn't then, so the suitcase was unpacked again, but we thought she had accepted that she was going into care soon. Now I am with Mum today, and tried to talk to her about the move into care, which could happen in mid-September. She got very upset and was adamant that she was not moving any time soon, because she is coping at home and once she moved into care she might as well "give up". (She was amazingly lucid when talking about it, much more lucid than she usually is.) The thing is - I agree with her. As I said, I don't think she NEEDS 24 hour care, although of course I constantly worry about her doing something dangerous, be it leaving the iron on or causing an accident in the kitchen etc. But I sometimes worry that my brother might have a heart attack he is so stressed. I would never forgive myself if something happened either to my Mum or my brother, but most of all I want my Mum to be happy and to stay in her home for as long as she can.
Who has the ultimate decision? If someone is OK physically, how much do we take into account the chance that she might do something dangerous one day soon? I feel that it should be my Mum's decision whilst she can still express an opinion (although we do have Power of Attorney for health & welfare) and that she has the right to take the risk of staying in her home if that is what she wants, but my brother thinks she should be put into a home even if it is against her will. How would that even work?
Sorry that this is so long, but I just don't know what to do.
J
The problem is how my brother and I react to these things. My brother is extremely stressed with it all, can't sleep, has very high blood pressure, and every time there is a new problem he blows a gasket and insists that she has got to go into a home. A year ago my Mum was talking about wanting to go into care, but since then she has changed her mind and is now refusing to consider it "yet", always saying she will move in "a year or two" or "when she's in her 90s" (she is 87). Although I would be very happy if she chose to move into residential care, I don't think social services would say she needed to be in residential care, as she is just about coping with just 30 minutes of care a day, (but she is self-funding so social services are not involved).
2 weeks ago we had several problems in a matter of days, and my brother told Mum (over the phone) that he was coming up to collect her and take her to a care home whether she liked it or not. Needless to say this upset her greatly, but apparently she packed a suitcase. Of course, he had not checked whether the care home we have chosen had a vacancy, and they didn't then, so the suitcase was unpacked again, but we thought she had accepted that she was going into care soon. Now I am with Mum today, and tried to talk to her about the move into care, which could happen in mid-September. She got very upset and was adamant that she was not moving any time soon, because she is coping at home and once she moved into care she might as well "give up". (She was amazingly lucid when talking about it, much more lucid than she usually is.) The thing is - I agree with her. As I said, I don't think she NEEDS 24 hour care, although of course I constantly worry about her doing something dangerous, be it leaving the iron on or causing an accident in the kitchen etc. But I sometimes worry that my brother might have a heart attack he is so stressed. I would never forgive myself if something happened either to my Mum or my brother, but most of all I want my Mum to be happy and to stay in her home for as long as she can.
Who has the ultimate decision? If someone is OK physically, how much do we take into account the chance that she might do something dangerous one day soon? I feel that it should be my Mum's decision whilst she can still express an opinion (although we do have Power of Attorney for health & welfare) and that she has the right to take the risk of staying in her home if that is what she wants, but my brother thinks she should be put into a home even if it is against her will. How would that even work?
Sorry that this is so long, but I just don't know what to do.
J