Too nervous to sleep tonight

[Mezz]

Hi - just a bit of background. Dad has Alzheimer's and lives at home with my Mum, they are both in their 80s. They get daily visits off my son, who helps with housework but more emotional support for Mum and company for Dad. Myself and my brother visit 2-3 times a week each too after work (we both work full time) or at weekend. When we visit we never know what we are going to find. Things can be OK or a bit of a war zone.

In the main, we have been sort of coping alone as a family but the situation has been brewing for about a year now. My son ( who has wanted to work in care, bless him but hasn't got a job) started 6 months ago, helping Mum and Dad, kind of like it being his job, after Mum was really poorly and run down and went in to hospital for a few days. Basically she doesn't cope at all with Dad and their relationship has broken down - she keeps saying she can't stand him to be about.

We have had bad episodes in the past where she has packed bags for herself. With Dad then forgetting the next day and us trying to diffuse the situation, we have buried our heads in the sand really and have just carried on.

There have been signs of Dad deteriorating recently more than in the past weeks but sometimes he seems quite with it really. However my son says Dad is getting more argumentative in the last few weeks and my brother seems to see that side very regularly. I have just tried reasoning with Mum to say surely Dad isn't 'bad enough' yet to have to go into a home. However now I think that them being together isn't doing either of them any good and if anything happened to Mum, it couldn't carry on anyway.

We are at the point of not knowing what part of this situation is the Alzheimer's and what part is them just not getting along anymore. Today Mum rang me at work to say my son had gone home upset (to be fair he is Ok, he told me he just got frustrated). She went mad at Dad to the point she said she could have hit him but didn't. He himself didn't know what had happened.

She wants to live separately (and to be fair has wanted to for a long while now) We have ignored it because we can't look after Dad if Mum wasn't there. Tomorrow I need to set the ball rolling and get some professional and practical help and advice. My stomach is churning because I am scared how Dad is going to react and also that we leave them alone again and go home once we open up this can of worms. Dad has always seemed in love with Mum but since his illness, her love for him has gone, to the point that she doesn't even like him anymore.

I just wondered if anybody has gone through anything similar? I'm not sure who to contact first. Also we have the worry about their home and potentially having to sell up to fund professional care for Dad and then where does Mum go?

My son is on a course tomorrow run by the Alzheimer's Society so was going to ask there for some guidance. sorry this is so rambled but I am so nervous about it all.
Anybody have advice?

 

[Saffie]

Just to reassure you that if your father goes into a care home, your mother will be able to remain on the home. The house will be totally disregarded when your Dad is financially assessed by the LA for care home fees.

Also, only your father's capital will be taken into consideration. Please don't worry about that part of it.
You have enough other worries to be dealing with at present.



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[jaymor]

Hello Mez and welcome to TP.

Saffie will have set your mind at rest regarding your parents home.

For help you need to contact your Local authority Social Services and ask for a community assessment for both your Dad and your Mom.

Dad's assessment will show the level of care that needs to be put in place. If there is to be a charge for this then only assets in his name will be used to calculate any charges. Half of any assets in joint names will also be taken into account.

Your Mum's assessment will take into account how she is managing and what help she needs to enable her to cope. No one can be made to look after someone else so if she is struggling then they have to know this.

When you contact them let them know how bad the situation is and hopefully they will move quickly to get them done.

Hopefully it won't take long to get some help but once you have contacted them keep on at them if they drag their heels, phone, email or if they are not too far away, call in. The more noise you make the harder it is to ignore you.

Take care and keep using the forum, you will find lots of support and help from members who understand what you are going through.

Jay