Too hard to understand

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by melly, Mar 1, 2008.

  1. melly

    melly Registered User

    Mar 1, 2008
    19
    Hi there

    I have only managed, after 2 years, to build up the courage to write on this forum but I have just reached a point today of wanting to cry out to somebody.

    I am 23, my mum is 56 and was diagnosed at Xmas 2 years ago. She is now at a point of barely being able to put a full sentence together, is incapable of dressing and showering alone. This is so hard to see, when she once took so much pride in her appearance.

    I am getting married in just under 6 weeks and feel so sad because I always dreamed my mum would be there to support me with the planning and yet it has all been on my shoulders. She is so excited, which is the main thing, but I am worried she is going to become overwhelmed by the day and things will get worse.

    To be honest I have just found this so hard to deal with and feel heart broken everyday. I try to be positive and feel lucky that she is still here, but she isn't herself at all so I feel as though I've lost her already. It's like my mum is a stranger. Do these feelings ever disappear???

    Sorry if I'm waffling...I have lots in my head!!!!
     
  2. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    106
    merseyside
    Dearest Melly

    Dearest Melly
    How sad you are and rightly so. This is such a sad disease i could offer my deepest sympathy to you. But this is a journey that we all travel sadly though you are on the road very early in your life. You have your future to look forward to and the joy She will be enjoying all these preparations and am sure she has enjoyed the pleasure that you have brought her all these 23 years that is a gift in itself. Please try Melly and enjoy these next 6 weeks cherish the good times and make the memorys. They do help .
    we are all here for you dont hesistate to post glal that you have found the courage were not that bad on here. Am sure we will all become friends.
    Take care
    Angela x
     
  3. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    146
    warwickshire
    Hi Melly,
    So sorry that you're feeling this way, I understand..
    You are both so young to be dealing with this dreadful disease and I feel for you both so much.
    I don't think you ever get used to seeing you're Mum changing before you're eyes, you eventually just adjust with it.
    Well done for posting, there is someone always here for you to chat to who understands what you are going through.
    Hang on in there,
    Lots of Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Dear Melly,

    All I can say is poor you. Both you and your mother are far too young to have Alzheimers thrust upon you. It`s a tragedy.

    I`m so pleased you have come onto the Forum at last. There are a lot of young carers, as you will know if you`ve been reading posts, and there is so much support here for you, from the young, and the not so young too.

    Do you have a good friend or family member who can support your mother at your wedding? Someone she trusts, who can make sure she doesn`t get overtired or over anxious. This might help you enjoy your wedding and relax, knowing your mother is being looked after.

    Don`t worry about `waffling`. You aren`t, you are just a very young person with the worry and responsiblilty of Alzheimers on your shoulders. It should not be like this.

    Please post whenever you want, don`t hold back. We all understand and I`m sure everyone would love to be able to help you.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  5. helbo

    helbo Registered User

    Mar 1, 2008
    14
    Just some thoughts -
    you are a strong and capable person who has not only coped with organising your wedding, but your mum as well.
    this strength will stay with you all your life, whatever else it throws at you
    somebody adores you enough to marry you and you will have the love and support of that man from now on (or even from this day forward!)
    you have experienced something that most of your peers will never do and that makes you a tough amazing woman
    at your wedding you will be surrounded by people who will love and support you and it will, despite everything, be a wonderful day
     
  6. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Melly,

    You're only 23!! You are far too young to have this happen and of course, your Mum is way way too young also. My heart goes out to you both and I can see that you have a lot on your plate. Do get as much help as possible and treasure the memories of your Mum. I'm afraid that things will get worse, but you know that already.

    Regarding your wedding - congratulations! May I suggest that you "allocate" a brother/sister/close friend to be the Mum Manager for the day: to look after her, make sure that she is happy and content and to ensure that after all, the focus is on YOU and your new husband. This is not selfish, just practicle (sp?)and ensures that you both have a fab, happy day and that you don't worry.
     
  7. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Know how it feels

    Melly,

    I was 22 when my Dad was diagnosed at age 55...I'm now 33 and Dad is still alive although only a shadow of his former self. If ever you need someone to talk to, just send me a message.

    Hugs,
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #8 Margarita, Mar 2, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2008

    I was older 42 when mum got AZ 6 years now the feeling has not disappear , just that I just learn to live with it , don't know if its because I have excepted it . but I must say thanks you for sharing as other people like CPN tell me that people do say that , parents seen like a stranger to them, it like your grieving for how they where in the past what you could of had in the future with them . that its normal what I am feeling . so to read it from other on TP like you make me feel better as it make me feel I am not alone in feeling what I feel , so CPN must of been right .
     
  9. melly

    melly Registered User

    Mar 1, 2008
    19
    Thank you

    I just wanted to write to say thank you all so much for replying. I'm so glad I did as it helps so much to hear from people who really do understand.

    I'm lucky to come from a really close family and have my big sister to talk to. My dad is a complete angel and does everything he can to make mum happy. They have been married for 38 years and completely idolise one another, so I know mum has had a really happy life. That's another thing that makes me so sad though...they spent so long planning on dad's retirement so they can be with each other all the time and do as they please and that has been taken away from them. It's so cruel...

    I'm also lucky to have an extremely supportive mother-in-law to be...but there is nothing like having your own mum...I also feel awful because I have become so used to mum as she is, that I have forgotten what she is really like and who she used to be.

    Once again, thank you for taking the time to write to me, it means a lot!
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Mar 3, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2008
    what help me , even thought it took me a long time to get them out and look at them with out feeling a feeling of sorrow was photo of how my mother use to be . I have a lovely one that I keep near my bed side Mum dad in Gibraltar on a summer holiday in the 80s both smiling , looking so happy together .

    so every time mum calling me at wried hours of the night , or really early in the morning it remands me of how she was and if it was not for this disease she would not be calling me like she does , or doing the things she does .

    so looking at that photo keep me positive as its a every day reminder of how she use to be
     

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