too early for bed?

[shep 44]

hi again as some of you may have read in my last post my hubby has ftd newlly diagnosed,for the last week he has insisted on going to bed at 8pm,i say stay down with me a bit longer,but he wont have any of it,should i just let him go at this time he does toss and turn alot in the night but he stays there until 6-7am ish,i do feel fed up when hes gone to bed so early,everythings so different now,i feel good typing this as i know you are going through similar feelings and experiences,thanks in advance sandra xx

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Shep,

My only comment is that if you try to resist what he wants to do then there is a danger that problems with behaviour can start to appear and he starts reacting with frustration or annoyance or even aggression. I think what you are possibly finding is that this early to bed thing is also tied in to the darker nights drawing in too now. Where some people have limited understanding of what is happening, maybe their only remaining course of logic is something perhaps as simple as - its dark - i should be in bed. I don't envy you your position because it is often a case of trying to find a balance isn't it - at least at the moment him going to bed early doesn't mean he's then up and ready to face the day at like 3am or something!

Fiona

 

[jan.s]

Hi Shep,

I was sorry to read about your husband. I know the shock you feel and the impact the news has on you after a diagnosis.

Maybe going to bed early is a coping strategy for your husband. Mine became very sad, and felt useless.

I am thinking of you all and wish you well.
Jan x

 

[Onlyme]

for the last week he has insisted on going to bed at 8pm

This could be that he is finding bed a safe place that he can understand the routine and not feel unsure what is going on. Do you have the TV on and is he finding it all too much for him to follow so he wants to go to somewhere quieter?

 

[Loopiloo]

My husband went through a period like this in the middle years of dementia. It did eventually pass.

He never accepted he had dementia, was in denial, did not want to know. But as time passed I think he became aware of all not being right, but would not talk about it. I think the early to bed was a form of escape from his thoughts, a safe place.

It could also be... tiredness. You say your huband tosses and turns a lot in the night so he may not be getting proper sleep, hence feeling tired early evening.

Yes, everything is so different for you now, it is hard. Especially as you are both so young.

I agree with what Fiona said:

My only comment is that if you try to resist what he wants to do then there is a danger that problems with behaviour can start to appear and he starts reacting with frustration or annoyance or even aggression.

In the earlier period I made the mistake of tryng to reason with my husband and this happened. It was years before I found TP so I made lots of mistakes, learned the hard way by trial and error.

You have come to the right place and will find much support, understanding and experience here on TP. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it is frightening following a diagnosis not knowing what might lie ahead. But now you are not alone, you have TP as suppport, and there are others here in the younger age groups

Keep writing, asking questions, Sandra, you are among people who understand, are empathetic, and who do care.

Loo xx

 

[IMSOSAD]

I don't understand why either

My father also does this, when i used to get back from work about 4pm
i would find him already in bed,
when i ask him , all he use to say was that it was late and time for bed.
I did manage to get him out of bed, until about 7pm,
but still now he will want to go to bed about 6pm
the thing is with my father is that he get up about 4 or 5 the latest.
This has been going on for a least 3 years .

 

[meme]

If my back is bad i sometimes go to bed ..with propped up pillows, electric blanket on and watch tv or listen to audio book at 7.30pm!!!!!!!
It is very lonely when a partner "clocks off" I do remember years ago my( sadly departed) partner was losing his kidneys and dialysis and an eventual transplant was looming ..but he would just sleep , during the day and night and I was utterly alone and felt the loss as you must do

 

[Jan0702]

I understand

Hi,

I completely understand how you feel, my husband will either fall asleep on the sofa about 8pm or get irate over nothing and go up to bed anytime from 7pm onwards, you then sit there thinking "what am I going to do now", I am sorry I have no advice, just wanted to empathise

 

[rjm]

Hi Sandra,

I understand how you feel about everything being different now and how alone you can feel when you are used to having someone around in the evening to chat with. In the early stages Sharon would often head of to bed early, I think it gave her a sense of security and relief from the pressures that had been building all day from trying to cope with things that she could no longer do.

Looking back it was much better than the next stage where the evening was full of anger and aggression and then she would not sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time and storm around the house in the middle of the night.

There doesn't seem to be much to be gained by trying to change whatever behaviour they settle into, it seems to lead to more aggravation. What worked for me was to try to enjoy the good bits as much as possible and just get through the rest.

 

[shep 44]

thanks

hi all thank you all so much for your kind words and explanations it really helps me to try to understand,johns gone off to bed early again i have decided to just let him go he does seem very tired even though he sleeps alot during the day,as some of you said i think he feels safe in bed,all that said i cant help but have a little weep whilst sat here by myself,i think its all so sad,we went out for a meal today with my daughter and her boyfriend john eats very quick so he was finished before we were half way through then he wants to go,anyway he settled by going to sit in the car whilst we finished our meal,this is the first time hes done this He was quite happy,things seem to be changing quite quickly,hope you are all ok,once again thanks for the responses love sandra x

 

[sussexsue]

We had this battle with mum. First it was 9:00 then 8:00 until we were struggling to keep her from her bed before 5:00. She also drifted in and out of sleep many times during the day.

I honestly think the world of dementia must be so scary that to just be curled up asleep in bed is a relief.

 

[Grannie G]

It`s a lonely life, sitting by ourselves, thinking what might be, missing the companionship, housebound, but not wanting a social life either, unable to relate to the seemingly trivial talk of others.

At this stage in our lives I found myself on TP almost 24/7, alternating between watching light [very light] entertainment on TV and connecting with whoever was on TP at the time.

I was in good company.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi shep 44

I know it is hard for you but as someone else has said maybe bed/sleep feels safe.

You also say he has not accepted he has dementia so maybe he is depressed as well (and not able to express it) which often makes people want to go to bed. If he is also on any meds that could be causing the tiredness (check the information leaflet if this applied to see if this is a side effect).

I would let him go to bed if that is what he wants.

I spend a lot of my time alone because my husband gets up very early for work (often 2am) so I know how lonely it can get (my mother is the dementia sufferer).

Best Wishes

 

[malc]

it could be he's losing concept of time,my wife has,both telling time and what for example 11pm means ie nearly bedtime and it's night,it might also be part of the delearning that dementia causes,look at the situation the same has you would a child,if a child is tired they will go to sleep whereever they are at the time,that's why you get some funny photos of your children sleeping in strange places.

 

[vinvin]

We had this battle with mum. First it was 9:00 then 8:00 until we were struggling to keep her from her bed before 5:00. She also drifted in and out of sleep many times during the day.

I honestly think the world of dementia must be so scary that to just be curled up asleep in bed is a relief.

I totally agree, my mum has now started going to bed at 5pm some nights, I always ring her when I get in from work and she very often says I am just on my way to bed. Not sure what time she gets up but I think very early due to when I arrive next morning she will say she has beeen waiting for me all day. Have tried reasoning with her but she just says I am tired

 

[charleston]

Hi Shep,

I often read talking point but this is the first time i have written anything.
I know exactly what you are going through, my husband was diagnosed last December with ftd at the age of 52,we have been married 30 years two weeks ago we travelled to many places in the world we both worked and enjoyed life to the full and now the way we live has changed completely, my husband also likes to sleep quite alot and as soon as he has his tea he is off to bed , he likes routines and as you have experienced when i also take my husband out he eats his food so fast and has to be off again, i miss the times when we used to sit on the sea front it used to be very relaxing ,now everything is a challenge he will not stay anywhere very long.

i am very lucky and have good support and am learning every day ways to handle different situations some work and some do not but i keep trying.

Best Wishes

 

[Cgseitz]

Too Early For Bed

My 82 year old mom, who is in perfect physical health now goes to bed between 3:00 and 5:00 pm. She gets up at 5 or 6 am. She lives alone but has a 100 pound dog as a companion. She says she is tired of watching tv and reading. She has a daily lunch outing with either me or my husband. She no longer has the attention span to do anything. She was an underwater photographer for over 40 years, an artist, and a very successful business woman. It is so sad to see her no longer interested in anything but her dog, sitting in her house and going out to eat once a day. Her memory loss is severe in all areas. She still knows me, her only child, my husband, her housekeeper and our two children as well as her dive partner of 30 years. That is it. She is not depressed no highs or lows. I am also concerned about her dog staying inside for over twelve hours. No accidents, he is a real trooper. She tells us daily she appreciates every thing we do for her and I am grateful for that. The worst thing about this disease is the light in her eyes has gone out.

 

[21citrouilles]

I understand how these changes are hard to take, life and companionship are not the same anymore.

My mother goes to bed at about 7:00PM, because she feels so very tired, and sometimes doesn't have a good sleep.

 

[Lucyc]

I find my husband will sleep when he has nothing to do. We try and go out everyday or I try to arrange something for him to do around the house that he enjoys. I try and make out that it was his idea to do something like, dig the garden, although he goes one step further and as an example he cut my poor buddlia to bits... but at least he was active and no one got hurt. If I dont find something that interests him, he will sleep all day and all night, if there is a programme on the TV he doesnt like, he will sleep regardless of the time, so I usually find something he likes. I dont force anything as he is likely to have a 'tantrum', (our name for his frustration)
I know that everyone is different, but getting your loved one interested in something MAY help.

 

[Simone67]

my hubby has ftd and we go to bed at 9.30 every night, watch a bit of telly, but he doesnt get up until 11.30 12 sometimes later im up at 5.30am so get everything done before he does get up, and have read on the ftd this is pretty normal