Todays the day

[grannieb]

Hi Maggie

thankyou for your reply I know no two cases of dementia are the same but family circumstances are obviously similar for us. If I am totally honest I resent my brother not offering more help but he is not a bad man just thoughtless best of it is he was always mums favourite mammys boy and daddys girl ( dad died age 50) he was also the one who wanted to put into a home some years ago. As my two older kids have children themselves and my 3rd daughter is in Manchester doing PGCE with my baby of 21 studying away from home only home weekends it has all fallen to my husband and I. I did ask my brother years ago to share the burden but he just said mum was happier with us and pops down for 3/4 hour a week. I suppose the resentment stems from the fact I feel I could have gone on a while longer if I had had the extra support. Oh well it is what it is and we all have to live with our own conscience We have looked after mum for a long time now she has lived with us for nearly thirty years so I hope she settles in the home if not we will have to think about taking her home again but I do want to give it a fair chance so am trying to stay strong. My thoughts are with you Maggie please keep in touch Liz

 

[grannieb]

thanks Christin I wont make a habit of it ( The wine I mean) but the white lies will have to go on a little longer
Just trying to get through the morning cleaning not sure why I dont keep hearing " when does the nurse come to dress me " "Is it time for tea" "What day is it" "Who takes me to bed" "Do I need to get the bus to the bed" "Sure you are not going out today?" " I dont like those other ones who come in " and on and on and on. Life doen't quite seem real today XXX Liz

 

[grannieb]

Day three

called today at lunchtime not to bad and persuaded mum to go to dining room wanted to give my brother a day off so went again this evening poor mum was very confused she thought she was being left to look after another resident who was in a wheelchair as a result of a stroke and had got quite upset about it I spent a long time trying to settle her and eventually persuaded her to go to common room where there was an impromtu sing song which she enjoyed unfortunately there are many advanced cases in there and as she looked around she was becoming very upset again. I actually put her to bed because she was totally exhausted and she said this is going to kill her not a good evening how will we ever get through this between guilt and the need for a rest because I can't cope anymore God help me please.

 

[shauna]

Hi Liz,

Im sending you a big hug
Im going through the same at the moment with my mum.
She is 5 weeks today in nursing home and im still finding it hard to deal with and i dont think i will ever come to terms with it. I wish you well

Shauna xx

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Liz,

I am not at this stage yet with Mum but not far behind. Having read numerous threads of others it seems that the first few weeks and occasionally afterwards there are these 'bad' days.

If you haven't had a look at it yet, I'd recommend reading Grannie G's 'A Life in the Day' thread. It's a sort of diary of her experience with her husband Dhiren who has dementia. I have found the part where he goes into a nursing home particularly comforting.

Sylvia still has her ups and downs but I think it's fair to say that one can get through this with the support of friends on here.

I hope today is better, Liz.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[Rooby]

I will be thinking of you but wanted to also give you some kind words.

You are doing the right thing.
Once you get into a routine in a differant place and see she is being looked after it gets easier.
If your mam knew what you had done for her she would be so proud.
You have to look after your health as someone needs to keep an eye on things in the home.
Just because she is in a home does not mean she can't go out, have day trips etc.

The reason I know all this is because it has happened to me and my Dad and things get better. Yes you will feel guilty and distraught but once you know she is settled and being looked after you will feel better. No home is like having them at their own home and being looked after by the family members but these carers are trained to deal with everything without the stress levels family get.

Good luck and keep us posted

Rooby x

 

[Christin]

Hello Grannieb, I just wanted to say that we have discovered that it can take sometime to settle. Our visits are rarely the same. I am always pleased when we have a good one, but have to remember that there will be good and bad days in the NH, just as there were at home.

The NH manager operates an open door policy, and there is an assistant manager when she is not there. It helps us so much to talk through any worries we have. Don't be afraid to make your concerns known to the staff.

We do seem to trigger some feelings when we visit, and FIL always asks to come home. However he rarely mentions it when we are not there, and although he prefers to spend most of his time in his own room, with his own things, he is now beginning to refer to it as 'his room'.

He has begun to react to his carers as friends when they enter his room, certainly when they have tea and cake. He gives them the biggest smiles and they tell us how lovely he is. We feel this is probably as good as it can get. We are still sad that it all came to this, but we are also starting to feel that we are visiting him at home, rather than in a home.

It is still very early days for you and your mum. My heart goes out to you. Give yourself some time to adjust too.

Very best wishes to you all xx

 

[Goingitalone]

Give yourself some time to adjust too.

This is good advice. We tend to think that our relative is the only one who has to adjust.

But I think we often have just as big an adjustment to make to our thinking.

 

[grannieb]

Thankyou everyone for your kind and sensible words I didn't visit yesterday but my brother went down early and she was good although she couldn't remember my name. My daughter and granddaughter (11) went down in the evening and she was not too bad loved seeing the child although did try to get my daughter to stay to put her to bed. I should never have done that the night before I have such a lot of learning to do never mind mum it is so hard to get out of the habits of so many years. My husband and I are going down early today as it seems a better time I will take another few personal things for her room. I go on holiday tomorrow and we have decided not to tell mum as she gets into such a state and the rest of the family think they can cope better on a day to day basis if they just say I am working she does not have any real comprehension of days she thinks one day is three days especially if she has restless night and wakens up a few times. How do you know when you are doing the right thing it is just trial and error really and every day changes what a difficult road we are all travelling. I see so many difficult situations on TP and know that we are luckier then some I take such support from all your comments please keep posting and I will update when I come home I know she will be well looked after but I will miss her and you all. will post tomorrow before I go .

 

[Izzy]

It's good you have the support of your family. I hope you have a lovely holiday. x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello grannieb

Hi Liz.

The first time I had a holiday and didn`t visit my husband in the care home, I needn`t have worried a jot. When I saw him after a week`s absence, he greeted me with a beaming smile, but no idea I hadn`t been there on my usual days.

I expected him to ask where I`d been but he didn`t.

So have your holiday in peace, try to relax and enjoy yourself. i`m sure you`ve waited a long time for it.

 

[grannieb]

thank you so much Sylvia I will try - and am sure my lovely husband will make sure I do. I know I am very lucky to have such support God has blessed me in so many ways. Am going to take advice and read through your journal bless you for taking the time to share this with others
Liz

 

[holiday]

todaysthe day

I know its easy for me to say but you really have nothing to feel guilty about, you have to try to remember that your doing what is best for your loved one.

 

[grannieb]

My dear grannie G I have just spent the last 90 mins reading your journal I recognised so many things in it and apart from the constant night time dramas which we only had about once a week since mum being given tamazepam so many things were familiar. These wise and honest reflections of yours have given me the strenght to get through today and have reinforced the truth I cannot go on and mum will eventually settle it will just be her way not what we might expect much love and thanks to you I will feel a little guilty about going on holiday but I think mum will benefit from me being stronger so away to iron some summer clothes before I go to see her again thankyou all and especially you grannie G
Liz

 

[Saffie]

I've just caught up with your thread and feel so sorry for all the anguish you have been going through, and still are. You have been sharing your home with your mother for all these years, and caring for her latterly, it must be such a life changing time for you now. I'm sure you need this holiday and hope you have a lovely time - and realx and try not to worry. Thinking of you.

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Liz,

That's good advice to try and enjoy your holiday. You really need this break. It will do you good, give you time to relax, take stock and adjust.

Try not to feel guilty. You are a wonderful, caring daughter and taking a holiday doesn't change that.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[grannieb]

today was nice Well most of it !

Went down to visit mum she was in good form had just had her hair done and really glad to see us. Told nurse about her very uncomfortable mattress and she asked about what she had slept in at home. "Her double bed" I said "let me have a look" she said and within 15 minutes she came back to say there was one and immediately my hubbie offered to give the girls a hand to sort it out. By the time we left she had a brand new silent night double bed am so happy for mum and know it will be so much more comfortable. I never cease to be amazed at how kind they are. We then went to the day room and Ivor who was 92 had a big cake and card from the staff so we all had tea and cake. Unfortunately I think I stayed a little too long and she was getting her usual agitation and fear not knowing how to find her way to bed etc. just like home sso trying to be wise we spent a little time trying to settle her called one of the girls and left. Can't believe I have handed her over but phoned my brother and told him it was over to him now we leave tomorrow. Yes I feel a little guilty but I do know everyoone is trying to help her and the very least I can do is trust them so wish me well for my hols and I look forward to hearing you all when I return Liz

 

[grannieb]

3 weeks on

hi there everyone well we had our two weeks holiday" wonderful" and are back home now almost one week. I cannot believe how well mum has settled I wouldn't go so far as to say happy but at least accepting. The staff are so good and at this stage they all know her and they all seem to know her wee ways. I have spoken with her named nurse and the social worker as well as the manager of the nursing home and cannot believe that we are actually at the point of considering making it permanent who would have believed it?. Yesterday was dry so we were able to take her down to the sea for fudge cake with cream and ice cream. Mum has sat in her chair in our home for the past year and firmly refused to go out meaning that I could not go out either as she could not be left alone - and she has been out at least five times in the past 3 weeks
and looks forward to it!!! I have been praying that someone would intervene and make this possible and my prayers are being answered. My mum is much nicer to us all and I am being blessed with smiles not frowns anger and total confusion. Mum looks better and is sleeping and eating better. I know it is almost too good to be true but I will enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Down sides my brother wanted to know if we could move her to a home closer to me as it is taking him 1/2 a day to visit he visits 2 days a week and her home is 24 miles from him whereas our home village is 17 miles from him an extra 14 miles round trip !!! I think what he really means is that I could visit every day and in his own words he could fill in when no one else could go I have now had 2 visitors who would have occaisionally visited mum perhaps once a month they have been down at the home and they shared with me that they cried when they left her it is so sad that she could not have stayed at home do people have any idea what their throw away comments do to me? Anyway looking on the brighter side, and for me the only side, Mum is in general, in good health, looking well and seems much better rested and we as her family are much happier so that is how it will be. Can I thank you all for your support which has been so valuable to me. Your views are the ones that matter you are the professionals in this business of caring thankyou again and may your god bless you. Love from Liz

 

[Izzy]

I'm really glad your mum has settled so well. No matter what anyone else says you know the difference this making to your mum and to you. x

 

[jenniferpa]

It is wonderful that your mother has settled so well. I have no idea what people are thinking when they make these sorts of comments - I guess they really aren't thinking at all, or at least that's as charitable as I think one can be. As to moving your mother - well she's settled and if not ecstatic, reasonably happy and well cared for, so it would be ridiculous to think of moving her to save your brother 14 miles twice a week.