To partners of people with dementia: Do you think about the future?

[nadul2001]

Where are all the men?

Thank you for your responses; It seems clear that a partner's dementia affects, not just the present, but the future as well.

In thinking about whether gender matters, I can't help wondering why the vast majority of responses have come from women.

It seems that, while there are of course male users of TP, it is not a 50/50 split. But as many women as men develop dementia, so I am wondering whether husbands are less likely to care for their wives, or do the caring but are less likely to use groups such as talking Point?

I realise of course that you can't speak for all men, but you might have some views on this.

I would really appreciate your thoughts, from both husbands and wives.

Marie

 

[Norrms]

Hello

Hello, whilst i appreciate all you are doing to reasearch what peole(Carers/loved ones ect) think about the future and quite rightly so have you ever wondered what the Dementia sufferer thinks about this and his or her fears and hopes for the future of their family and loved ones? just a thought, Oh! and i am one of those illusieve men !!LOL best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[nadul2001]

Hi Norrms,

Thanks for your post. I had noticed your presence

One of the difficulties with doing research is often wanting to do too much. You are of course spot on that the dementia sufferers thoughts are equally important, but if I try to cover too much I fear I would do a lot superficially, rather than get more in-depth with a narrower focus. Now if I can get funding to carry on my research for a PhD, I could include a lot more. The trick is to convince funding bodies that dementia is crucially important...

Marie

 

[Norrms]

How better

And how better to that than go straight to the source/Horsesmouth so to speak alongside the responses you have had already ?? Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxx

 

[Padraig]

Changed

I've just spotted this tread and as already noted, that most if not all are from ladies. I'm still trying to come to terms of being alone and back to where I started from.
Barb sums it very well. My whole purpose for living has vanished. I just can't be bothered with most daily tasks and when I look back I find it hard to to believe that I cared 24/7 totally on my own, in our house till my wife died.
I hate living in this house, it was not our home. Our home in the countryside was one I dreamed of. We lived there for 25 years. It's now just a memory where 9 grand children grew up and have fond memories of. They have their own children now and I don't see them.
My greatest fear is of losing control of my life and ending up 'in care'. I'd sooner make my way to some woods and pass away peacefully than lose my freedom. Though I'm coming up to 79 I force myself to run 7 miles every morning at five o'clock. Why? I can't say for sure, maybe so's as I can run if they come to take me away. Of the 52 years of our marriage, those final five years were very special and I treasured each day, knowing it must end. The experience re-enforced my love for the girl who proved to be my savour. She lit up my life with love from the first moment we met. Up until then I hadn't the remotest inkling of the meaning of love. Her love gave purpose to life. Now I'm back to being the lone stray I started out, but finding it hard to readjust.

 

[sunray]

I go to a dementia support group twice a month and we have a lot of men there. I think if they have kept friends while they have been in the caring role the friends take over once the time is past. This is usually when the one they care for goes into permanent care as none so far have nursed their partner to the end. I think they are on the whole very sensible, less emotional and know their limitations.

I feel more isolated than most of them do as we have discussed this topic. Or maybe I just express myslf differently. I am sometimes afraid that I will not be able to change after my caring role is over but will cling to "being a carer" as it has defined who I am for so many years, eleven so far.

On of my uncles who looked after his wife came here to Australia within six weeks of his wife's death saying he needed to get right away to think before embarking on a new life. Maybe I will do that, have a long holiday and go back and settle all you have to do after a loved one dies. I have thought that was a good idea. Maybe it won't happen but at least that is part of my plan.

I do feel like a woman, too much so sometimes. There is so much to do that is part of a woman's role but I struggle without the male back-up, handyman stuff that Ray once was so good at. Now I try to do it myself or hire someone. It is not the role I ever looked at from the marriage point of view but we just have to deal wtih our changing circumstances as best we can.

Sue.

 

[nadul2001]

I go to a dementia support group twice a month and we have a lot of men there. ...I think they are on the whole very sensible, less emotional and know their limitations.

Sue.

Hi Sunray,

It is interesting that there are a lot of men in the suppport group. I was beginning to think maybe men, very broadly speaking, were less likely to seek support, but maybe I was wrong on that.
I am not quite sure I understand what you mean about them being sensible and less emotional and know their limitations. Do you think they try to take on less, and cope better emotionally, or am I off the mark here?

Marie

 

[sunray]

Hi Marie

I think the reason we have a lot of men come to our group is that the moderator of the group is a mental health clinician and his field of expertise is behavioural modification so his is a teaching role in our group so it is very practical and people are referred to it as a way of coping with what they are dealing with as a carer.

Most men in our group would probably say they are not good at caring (although they would be wrong about that). They don't start out knowing much about housework, cooking etc so they seek help right away, from their daughters, female relatives and women friends. Most have a lot of "good will" but little else to start off with, some call on their doctor and say they are not coping and the doctor will organise outside help to come in. They will also take aboard short cuts, not be ashamed to eat frozen dinners for example. That is what I mean about knowing their limitations.

I would not say they are not emotional as some have broken down in the course of simply telling what has happened to them this week, but they don't seem to dwell on it as much as some of us do. Maybe I don't know the full story though as in most cases I have no knowledge of how they actually cope at home. Maybe they are more stoic rather than less emotional.

The sensible approach comes from conversations we have had in the tea break like one man telling me he recruited his sister-in-law's help to buy his wife new nighties and underclothing and traded the washing machine in on one that "did it all on it's own". So looking for practical solutions to the presenting problem, mind you some of the women in the group are like that too, very pracical in their approach to problems.

Hope this has clarified whaat I wrote.

Sue.