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Tips for coping

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,535
0
Suffolk
Morning Es, yes I'm up to speed with GLs happenings. One trouble is he'll be self funding for a year or so when he does go into care full time. You dont get much help from anybody, ask Ann Mac!
OH used to be gentle as well, I'm hoping this is a phase and he will get back to his normal self!
I don't think today is going to be brilliant, going by the two words I got when I got up ( he's still in bed).
How nice to be called Cornish girl, I never thought of that when I joined!
Have a good day
S
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,677
0
Ireland
Inability to either get to the toilet in time or loss of feeling or any other reason heralds the start of incontinence. My husband welcomed incontinence pants when I told him they would save him having an accident.

That in itself was heartrending. He became so vulnerable.

Love to you Kath. You are in a bad place just now.

I remember that - my husband was so relieved when I showed him that his "accidents" problem was in fact not something terrible, and unique, but so common that we could buy pads in Tesco! And when he saw that not only could you just walk into a supermarket and buy them - but they had several brands, and even an "own brand", he felt much more ok about it - even with his dementia, he realised that lots of people must be having the same problem!
 

esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,081
0
Devon
Morning Es, yes I'm up to speed with GLs happenings. One trouble is he'll be self funding for a year or so when he does go into care full time. You dont get much help from anybody, ask Ann Mac!
OH used to be gentle as well, I'm hoping this is a phase and he will get back to his normal self!
I don't think today is going to be brilliant, going by the two words I got when I got up ( he's still in bed).
How nice to be called Cornish girl, I never thought of that when I joined!
Have a good day
S

Well you shall be Cornish Girl to me. Funding worries me too, we both have children from previous marriages so we own the house as 'tenant in common' (I think) Otherwise if I died first his children could get all the value of the house. Trouble is, although I put a great deal more money in than my husband we jointly own it (never thought of this when we bought it) the result is that the LA will be able to put a charge against his half of the property for any care costs. I can live in it or sell it to buy somewhere more suitable if necessary but when I die they will take their cut. Makes me upset that this could affect my children's inheritance.
Hope your day gets better!! Love, Es
xxxxxxxx
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,535
0
Suffolk
Just got him showered. It's nearly lunch time. Today, if I have to repeat anything, I get growled at. Have just told him it doesn't help! Forgot to take my mid morning painkillers so all the bending to help him dress hasn't made me very happy!
Are you sure they will put a charge on your house? Or am I, once more, getting confused
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
I think Esmeralda might be worrying unnecessarily on that particular issue but I'm sure someone who knows about all this will tell us what will actually happen.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,677
0
Ireland
I'm not sure your home is taken into account in the UK. It is here, unfortunately, along with any assets or savings a spouse has, and "any assets you may have deprived yourself of in the previous five years "!! This is to stop people transferring their home or land (in the case of farmers) to family members.
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
0
Well you shall be Cornish Girl to me. Funding worries me too, we both have children from previous marriages so we own the house as 'tenant in common' (I think) Otherwise if I died first his children could get all the value of the house. Trouble is, although I put a great deal more money in than my husband we jointly own it (never thought of this when we bought it) the result is that the LA will be able to put a charge against his half of the property for any care costs. I can live in it or sell it to buy somewhere more suitable if necessary but when I die they will take their cut. Makes me upset that this could affect my children's inheritance.
Hope your day gets better!! Love, Es
xxxxxxxx

Hi Es, are you sure about the 'charge against the house' thing? That doesn't sound right to me either. Local Authorities cannot deprive a spouse of their home to pay for OH's care so why would they be able to levy a charge after death? I would check with wherever you got this info from as, like others, I think you are worrying erroneously - I might be wrong of course! Charges are worked out on savings - anything over £23,500 for an individual currently (I think) so that would be £47,000 of joint savings for a couple as only 50% counts if the savings are your and your spouses jointly, same for pension etc. but property would only be counted if the person needing care is the only occupant, as far as I know. Do check - there is enough to bother with without concerns over things that you don't need to worry about after all.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,446
0
Es if you remain in the marital home it is totally disregarded. The la cannot and will not place a charge on it.
 

witsend~1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2014
31
0
North Lincolnshire
Coping

It really helps to know it's 'not just me'. My Pete hates me one minute, wants a divorce and accuses me of trying to bump him off and then becomes all sweetness and light and loves me! I try to laugh it off and not react, but sometimes I do (verbally) and then feel awful. Everyone else sounds so capable and loving! sometimes it is so hard. I do love my OH, but he is not the man I married and sadly will never come back.
He doesn't like it when I'm on my laptop or phone and wants me by his side and as I still work full-time(constant calls during the day!) its not easy. He doesn't acknowledge his diagnosis so as far as he is concerned everything is perfectly normal...As I said at the beginning of this, It really helps to read other posts because I can see I am not alone and his behaviour is 'normal'. Thanks x
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
0
Not Alone

I think that's what TP represented for me when I found it, finally a place where I could see other people going through the struggles and emotions and battles that I was and the relief of realising that, whatever it was, I wasn't the only one was a huge comfort. Ours may only be typed words and cyber hugs but the support gained by the sharing and caring is immense.
 

Tochythe

Registered User
Mar 15, 2015
1
0
Sorry for those of you who think I've got answers, I want answers!

OH, later stages of mixed dementia, still at home, I'm the only carer. Having said that he does go to daycare three days a week.
My health is not as good as it could be which may be a factor here.

It's the constant repetition, it's the I'm divorcing you, it's the unexpected nastiness, it's the I don't live here, it's the urinating everywhere, it's the speed of doing things - a snail would be faster! It's the fact I have to wait around so much, he can't be left. It's the having to adjust everything I do, the meals I eat, where I go, the cafés we go to, the no days out, the no holidays. It's the no speaking to me. It's the no joke stage in both senses.
I've just had enough of all this. I'm fed up, I'm bored, I'm stressed out.
I've read all the books, go to several groups, done the courses. I've been caring for 10 years ( to be fair, not all at this level!)

So why can't I cope anymore? I've had two spells of respite in the last year, one after carer burnout, ( self funding, probably wouldn't have got it from SS ) which I think helped a bit.

Answers please!

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are finding it such a burden being a carer for your husband.
I have not yet got Dementia but I am worried about my memory loss.
I am at present a carer for my wife. She also does not have a serious Dementia condition although she has been diagnosed and doe has a memory loss.
Would love to hear more of your experience to help me cope with myself and my wife.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,535
0
Suffolk
Oh heavens, I wouldn't know where to start! I've been caring for OH about 10 years, although it wasnt too much of a problem until about four years ago.
Take each change in behaviour as it comes, if you read around here, remember that everyone is different, things either don't happen at all, or happen in a different order. For instance, OH cannot use anything electronic, computers, phones, radios, tvs etc. at least I've never been bothered by multiple phone calls!
Things also change on average in his case, every six months, not so quickly in the early stages.
Read some of the Alzheimer's fact sheets, especially the one on compassionate communication. Very useful. Sorry, I'm rubbish at posting links, but somebody will.
If you're like me, you'll read around and find out what goes on in your area. Get yourself known and out there. It'll come in useful later. Alzheimer's society is a good start. I find ageuk very useful, they will fill in firms for free, they know the language and buzz words!
When someone has a diagnosis, there are benefits, depending on age. Attendance allowance is the main one, and money off council tax can be obtained once you have AA.
Finally, keep posting. There is a wealth of experience on here and all questions will be answered. If you want to talk to me, send a pm.
Good luck!
I wouldn't worry too much about your memory, it's probably stress related, like mine!
 

Kath1947

Registered User
Jun 28, 2013
6
0
Manchester
Thank you so much for your reply

Hi Kath, you are having an awful time. Glad that you have been able to post on here as it sounds like you really need to be able to share what is happening and get some advice. Do you have any respite/support? You're absolutely not a whingebag but need some help before you become completely burnt out. Sending love and a big hug
 
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esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,081
0
Devon
Hi Es, are you sure about the 'charge against the house' thing? That doesn't sound right to me either. Local Authorities cannot deprive a spouse of their home to pay for OH's care so why would they be able to levy a charge after death? I would check with wherever you got this info from as, like others, I think you are worrying erroneously - I might be wrong of course! Charges are worked out on savings - anything over £23,500 for an individual currently (I think) so that would be £47,000 of joint savings for a couple as only 50% counts if the savings are your and your spouses jointly, same for pension etc. but property would only be counted if the person needing care is the only occupant, as far as I know. Do check - there is enough to bother with without concerns over things that you don't need to worry about after all.

Thanks everyone for being so kind to reply to my post. Sorry if I hijacked your thread Spamar.
I was advised of this by my solicitor (a practice that specialises in dealing with people with care issues) when I remade my will. Checked it out with another solicitor as a friend expressed doubts and it is right. It's the 'tenants in common' bit that makes the difference but this is necessary because we have children from previous relationships. However I am secure for my lifetime so I try not too worry about it too much.
Es
x