1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,919
    Suffolk
    Morning Es, yes I'm up to speed with GLs happenings. One trouble is he'll be self funding for a year or so when he does go into care full time. You dont get much help from anybody, ask Ann Mac!
    OH used to be gentle as well, I'm hoping this is a phase and he will get back to his normal self!
    I don't think today is going to be brilliant, going by the two words I got when I got up ( he's still in bed).
    How nice to be called Cornish girl, I never thought of that when I joined!
    Have a good day
    S
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    I remember that - my husband was so relieved when I showed him that his "accidents" problem was in fact not something terrible, and unique, but so common that we could buy pads in Tesco! And when he saw that not only could you just walk into a supermarket and buy them - but they had several brands, and even an "own brand", he felt much more ok about it - even with his dementia, he realised that lots of people must be having the same problem!
     
  3. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    Well you shall be Cornish Girl to me. Funding worries me too, we both have children from previous marriages so we own the house as 'tenant in common' (I think) Otherwise if I died first his children could get all the value of the house. Trouble is, although I put a great deal more money in than my husband we jointly own it (never thought of this when we bought it) the result is that the LA will be able to put a charge against his half of the property for any care costs. I can live in it or sell it to buy somewhere more suitable if necessary but when I die they will take their cut. Makes me upset that this could affect my children's inheritance.
    Hope your day gets better!! Love, Es
    xxxxxxxx
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,919
    Suffolk
    Just got him showered. It's nearly lunch time. Today, if I have to repeat anything, I get growled at. Have just told him it doesn't help! Forgot to take my mid morning painkillers so all the bending to help him dress hasn't made me very happy!
    Are you sure they will put a charge on your house? Or am I, once more, getting confused
     
  5. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,630
    North West
    I think Esmeralda might be worrying unnecessarily on that particular issue but I'm sure someone who knows about all this will tell us what will actually happen.
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    I'm not sure your home is taken into account in the UK. It is here, unfortunately, along with any assets or savings a spouse has, and "any assets you may have deprived yourself of in the previous five years "!! This is to stop people transferring their home or land (in the case of farmers) to family members.
     
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Es, are you sure about the 'charge against the house' thing? That doesn't sound right to me either. Local Authorities cannot deprive a spouse of their home to pay for OH's care so why would they be able to levy a charge after death? I would check with wherever you got this info from as, like others, I think you are worrying erroneously - I might be wrong of course! Charges are worked out on savings - anything over £23,500 for an individual currently (I think) so that would be £47,000 of joint savings for a couple as only 50% counts if the savings are your and your spouses jointly, same for pension etc. but property would only be counted if the person needing care is the only occupant, as far as I know. Do check - there is enough to bother with without concerns over things that you don't need to worry about after all.
     
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    Es if you remain in the marital home it is totally disregarded. The la cannot and will not place a charge on it.
     
  9. witsend~1

    witsend~1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2014
    31
    North Lincolnshire
    Coping

    It really helps to know it's 'not just me'. My Pete hates me one minute, wants a divorce and accuses me of trying to bump him off and then becomes all sweetness and light and loves me! I try to laugh it off and not react, but sometimes I do (verbally) and then feel awful. Everyone else sounds so capable and loving! sometimes it is so hard. I do love my OH, but he is not the man I married and sadly will never come back.
    He doesn't like it when I'm on my laptop or phone and wants me by his side and as I still work full-time(constant calls during the day!) its not easy. He doesn't acknowledge his diagnosis so as far as he is concerned everything is perfectly normal...As I said at the beginning of this, It really helps to read other posts because I can see I am not alone and his behaviour is 'normal'. Thanks x
     
  10. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Not Alone

    I think that's what TP represented for me when I found it, finally a place where I could see other people going through the struggles and emotions and battles that I was and the relief of realising that, whatever it was, I wasn't the only one was a huge comfort. Ours may only be typed words and cyber hugs but the support gained by the sharing and caring is immense.
     
  11. Tochythe

    Tochythe Registered User

    Mar 15, 2015
    1
    Hi,

    I am so sorry that you are finding it such a burden being a carer for your husband.
    I have not yet got Dementia but I am worried about my memory loss.
    I am at present a carer for my wife. She also does not have a serious Dementia condition although she has been diagnosed and doe has a memory loss.
    Would love to hear more of your experience to help me cope with myself and my wife.
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,919
    Suffolk
    Oh heavens, I wouldn't know where to start! I've been caring for OH about 10 years, although it wasnt too much of a problem until about four years ago.
    Take each change in behaviour as it comes, if you read around here, remember that everyone is different, things either don't happen at all, or happen in a different order. For instance, OH cannot use anything electronic, computers, phones, radios, tvs etc. at least I've never been bothered by multiple phone calls!
    Things also change on average in his case, every six months, not so quickly in the early stages.
    Read some of the Alzheimer's fact sheets, especially the one on compassionate communication. Very useful. Sorry, I'm rubbish at posting links, but somebody will.
    If you're like me, you'll read around and find out what goes on in your area. Get yourself known and out there. It'll come in useful later. Alzheimer's society is a good start. I find ageuk very useful, they will fill in firms for free, they know the language and buzz words!
    When someone has a diagnosis, there are benefits, depending on age. Attendance allowance is the main one, and money off council tax can be obtained once you have AA.
    Finally, keep posting. There is a wealth of experience on here and all questions will be answered. If you want to talk to me, send a pm.
    Good luck!
    I wouldn't worry too much about your memory, it's probably stress related, like mine!
     
  13. Kath1947

    Kath1947 Registered User

    Jun 28, 2013
    6
    Manchester
    #33 Kath1947, Mar 15, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2015
    Thank you so much for your reply

     
  14. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    Thanks everyone for being so kind to reply to my post. Sorry if I hijacked your thread Spamar.
    I was advised of this by my solicitor (a practice that specialises in dealing with people with care issues) when I remade my will. Checked it out with another solicitor as a friend expressed doubts and it is right. It's the 'tenants in common' bit that makes the difference but this is necessary because we have children from previous relationships. However I am secure for my lifetime so I try not too worry about it too much.
    Es
    x
     

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