Today has sent me over the edge. I have always thought I would have a tipping point and today I think I have reached it. Hard to put in words what I am feeling but I know I am going to break if I don't do something. Hubby is probably mid, verging on late stage alzheimers but only 70 years old and physically still able. But his confusion about who I am and where he is, is breaking me. Every day the sun downing starts anytime from 2pm onwards and just gets worse. He now thinks I am being horrible to him and gets so agitated with me. I am not horrible to him in any way. Married for 50 years he is the love of my life. But he struggles to communicate properly to the point I don't understand him and anything I respond with he some how turns into me being awful to him and him being scared of me. Not easy to put any of this into words that adequately describe the emotional torment. It's been going on every afternoon/evening fir a good while now and today I have broken. My children have been brilliant but think I need to consider care. I'm not sure I can fo it but I know I can't go on like this. Sorry for the long post just needed to write it all down.
Tipping point I think has been reachec
- Thread starter Lin B
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sorry its so hard. could you have a respite time just to take stock, rest and review what needs to happening. you need to protect yourself not to break down and cant look after your husband. i think decisions need to be made
I think I will have to go down that road but the thought of doing that yo my husband is killing me. Trouble is what we are going through every day is also killing me. I hate this disease so much. It is so bloody cruel.
You will not be doing it “to” your husband, you will be allowing a whole team of people to help you in taking care of him. It is so much easier for a group of carers to deal with sundowning behaviour than just one person, because the behaviour will be naturally diluted, as he won’t be able to direct all his emotions at just one person. And they get to leave at the end of their shift!
Then, when you visit him, you can go back to being his wife, instead of the one person who he (actually, his dementia) is taking out all his frustration on.
Please do consider respite, even if you don’t want to do it to give yourself a break - do it to give your husband a break from having an absolutely physically and emotionally exhausted main carer. I don’t mean for that to sound mean in any way, just offering you an alternative viewpoint. You cannot look after him calmly when you are this tired and heartbroken. People with dementia pick up on emotions when they cannot seem to understand simple speech, so if you are tired and frustrated then he will pick up on it.
Lots of us have been where you are, and we know how much this awful disease affects more than the person who actually has the diagnosis. Keep posting and let us know how you are x
Then, when you visit him, you can go back to being his wife, instead of the one person who he (actually, his dementia) is taking out all his frustration on.
Please do consider respite, even if you don’t want to do it to give yourself a break - do it to give your husband a break from having an absolutely physically and emotionally exhausted main carer. I don’t mean for that to sound mean in any way, just offering you an alternative viewpoint. You cannot look after him calmly when you are this tired and heartbroken. People with dementia pick up on emotions when they cannot seem to understand simple speech, so if you are tired and frustrated then he will pick up on it.
Lots of us have been where you are, and we know how much this awful disease affects more than the person who actually has the diagnosis. Keep posting and let us know how you are x
Hi @Lin B, @jennifer1967 has given you good advice. What you are experiencing with your husband is too much for one person to cope with, no matter how much you love him.
I’ve recently gone through a similar situation and my husband went into care 4 weeks ago today. I found making the decision and actually saying it out loud to the social worker the hardest part. I felt I had failed him.
Although we’ve had some problems I still stand by my decision. I don’t want Alzheimer’s to take both of us.
You could try respite then see how you feel, a break could do you good and able to care for him a bit longer.
Don’t worry about what friends and family think, I did that but they had no clue about what I was having to deal with 24/7. It is indeed the most cruel condition.
Whatever happens you will get support here, everyone understands you.
Best wishes
Dawn x
I’ve recently gone through a similar situation and my husband went into care 4 weeks ago today. I found making the decision and actually saying it out loud to the social worker the hardest part. I felt I had failed him.
Although we’ve had some problems I still stand by my decision. I don’t want Alzheimer’s to take both of us.
You could try respite then see how you feel, a break could do you good and able to care for him a bit longer.
Don’t worry about what friends and family think, I did that but they had no clue about what I was having to deal with 24/7. It is indeed the most cruel condition.
Whatever happens you will get support here, everyone understands you.
Best wishes
Dawn x
Hi Lin
I’m so very sorry you’ve come to this point 😢😢 Each situation is heartbreaking 💔 As others have said respite is the best way to go. It’s not you failing, as you say, it’s a bloody cruel disease which takes out the carer too if we let it. Your husband may take to respite ok…many do.
Xxx
I’m so very sorry you’ve come to this point 😢😢 Each situation is heartbreaking 💔 As others have said respite is the best way to go. It’s not you failing, as you say, it’s a bloody cruel disease which takes out the carer too if we let it. Your husband may take to respite ok…many do.
Xxx
Thank you all for your responses. I am going to call adult social services on Monday and speak about maybe respite to start with. I know my family will support this. I am just struggling to picture him in care. He clings to me constantly and I am so scared that this will completely devastate him. I feel so broken right now and you have all helped me to understand I can't go on much longer like this. Thank you. Big hugs.
