Things that puzzle me even now.

[SandyRose]

My husband has been in a care home for 14 months now. Thanks to Covid I have not really been able to assess whether he is the same or deteriated, certainly he seems settled.

So, what puzzles me? There is no one to ask and then I remembered this forum which I joined 18 months ago approx.

Due the relaxation of the Covid rules we have been able to take him out of the home. Initially I did not want him back in the house, partially because of the way he left it 14 months ago but also if he did not want to leave, what would I do. What happened, he just walked in and started cleaning worktops as though he'd left 5 minutes ago. Seemingly no realisation that he had not been here for over a year. He was quite settled, though said he was not going back to 'that hospital', but he did and just walked in no bother. What I'm trying to say is he just did not know he hadn't been in his own home for over a year, and it felt strange. 'Bitter- sweet' someone said, at least it was strangely easy, just sitting in his chair, dog climbing all over him in her usual way - just as though he'd never been away but the last year , in some way, has not happened for him.

One more thing. If asked, he says he does not know anybody who he lives with in the home, no names, nothing. Is short term memory this short?( He still knows us, his family, though he does get confused and raely talks any sense).

 

[Duggies-girl]

@SandyRose Yes the short-term memory can be almost non-existent. Dad had the most horrendous hospital stay for 3 weeks. It was awful and I visited 2 times a day. Poor dad had a dreadful time, 3 different wards, dad a fall on each, he had a heart attack plus stroke, trips back to A & E after 2 of the falls. It traumatised me and dad had delirium because of the pneumonia. We got him home eventually, sat him in his chair and I made him a cup of coffee. I said 'you must be glad to be home' he said 'I haven't been anywhere today. All that gone out of his head immediately. It is very hard to get your head around and I still can't understand it.

I then moved in with him and lived with him 24/7 until he died a year later. He never knew that I lived with him, if I left the room for even one minute to put the kettle on or go to the bathroom he would be so surprised to see me when I came back and he always said 'Hello, I didn't hear you come in but it's nice to see you'

It's very strange to deal with but I just accepted it after a while.

 

[SandyRose]

Since posting the above a couple of hours ago, the care home has rung me. He has broken down a door and smashed the glass (same door and glass about a year ago). Then he was very agitated. Today he wasn't. He just did it and has been perfectly fine since. They are testing for a uti. But, what if he had been here? How would I have coped with this sudden violence?

I have never felt any guilt about putting him in a home, but I certainly have felt that other people seem to manage better and for longer. But I lived with him 24/7 and my health actually suffered. I felt physically sick in the morning at the thought of the day ahead.

My sister has said in the past, 'why don't you help others on this forum with your experiences?'. Good question, why not? Well, one reason my life was dominated by his dementia for 6 years. I just did not want to take on other peoples. and of course, my experiences are not the same as others.

I have not posted for a year. Maybe I do still need help and support.

 

[jennifer1967]

Since posting the above a couple of hours ago, the care home has rung me. He has broken down a door and smashed the glass (same door and glass about a year ago). Then he was very agitated. Today he wasn't. He just did it and has been perfectly fine since. They are testing for a uti. But, what if he had been here? How would I have coped with this sudden violence?

I have never felt any guilt about putting him in a home, but I certainly have felt that other people seem to manage better and for longer. But I lived with him 24/7 and my health actually suffered. I felt physically sick in the morning at the thought of the day ahead.

My sister has said in the past, 'why don't you help others on this forum with your experiences?'. Good question, why not? Well, one reason my life was dominated by his dementia for 6 years. I just did not want to take on other peoples. and of course, my experiences are not the same as others.

I have not posted for a year. Maybe I do still need help and support.

it was obviously what your husband needed and you place him there because you cared and wanted him to be looked after by a team. at least there are as team of people around if things get bad. it would have had an awful affect on you if you were there on your own especially as it was making you ill before that.