1. Welcome to Talking Point - an online community for everyone who is affected by dementia. Whether you have dementia or know someone who does, we will be there for you.

    Sign up to join the community, or Log in if you're already a member.

    If you need help using Talking Point, read our Help pages or contact us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk

  2. Q&A: Dementia Together Magazine - Wed 25 April, 4-5pm

    Do you have any questions about Dementia together, previously known as Living with dementia magazine? Maybe you'd like to know how they worked with people affected by dementia to come up with the magazine's new name, or how they decide on the articles to publish each issue? Danny and Gareth from the magazine team will be on hand to answer your questions in this thread on Wednesday 25 April between 4-5pm.

    Feel free to post any questions between now and then, and we'll answer them next Wednesday.

The Time has arrived

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Little Circles, Apr 16, 2018 at 4:25 PM.

  1. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    46
    Derbyshire
    Only had the community mental health visit at the parents today and they are doing a respite referral. Dad rang and wants Mum in a care home today!!!!! rang the duty worker as there is nothing theycan do today as she hasn’t got case worker/ social worker so she is with me tonight and for the foreseeable I feel
    Husband been really good about it
    I think dad has more of a problem and it is his way or no way and my Mum is too much hassle to deal with
    And apparently it is all mine problem not his
    He doesn’t want her back!! So much for in sickness and in health !
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    9,554
    Female
    London
    Looking after someone with dementia can be soul-destroyingly difficult. If he didn't want help in the past but does want her in a home now he has probably reached the end of the road and is suffering from carer's breakdown. Marriage vows don't come into it and he has no duty of care so I guess you will have to respect his decision.
     
  3. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    46
    Derbyshire
    Guess I have, he has mentioned it previously and I have offered to get her in a home recentlyas Dad doesn’t cope will calls and appointments and when push comes to shove he said no it is his wife and will deal with it but it seems not
    I could have tried to sort it b fore it got to this stage
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    9,554
    Female
    London
    No, it's not your fault either. Dementia situations can be very difficult. Did they say when someone will contact you? Because by him dumping her on you he's kind of created an emergency situation but you might have to call them again to emphasise that.
     
  5. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    46
    Derbyshire
    Yes I have and I hopefully have a social worker getting in touch tomorrow To arrange an assessment as apparently as have been told nothing can move forward before then
     
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    3,777
    USA
    I am sorry to hear about the situation with your parents, @Little Circles. Beate is right, this is not your fault: dementia makes for some very challenging situations and anyone who is a live-in/hands on carer undergoes an incredible amount of stress. (The sleep deprivation doesn't help, nor does the constant vigilance required, the worry, dealing with incontinence and all the other issues dementia brings. It is also hard if the main carer is perhaps older and/or with health issues of their own. It does sound like your dad is overwhelmed and there may also be personality issues or family dynamics coming into play, that aren't making this any easier.)

    Unfortunately dementia gets worse, not better, and there can be really challenging behaviours, plus the physical issues. Sometimes we can get support and help into place, and sometimes we can't. I am a carer who had to wait for the crisis, and it was terrible, and I wish it hadn't been like that, but it was.

    Just because someone goes into a care home, for respite and/or permanently, doesn't mean that you and your dad are no longer carers, or people who care. This job is too big for any one person to do forever, without serious consequences. It's the disease that is the problem, not you!

    I do hope you are able to get some help. Best wishes to you and your family.
     

Share This Page