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The tears are flowing

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by di65, May 12, 2015.

  1. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand

    just thought that I would let you know that Lex has been admitted for 14 days respite care. It has broken my heart, but I realised after the weekend it was his sanity or mine. It is for 14 days at this stage, but they are going to re-assess him after 10 days and take it from there. The re-assessment will involve his Case Manager, the dementia wing staff and me. I have been told not to visit for 5 days to allow him to settle in, but I can phone and speak to the staff at any time I feel the need. I phoned the specialist at the hospital at 9.45 this morning and everything was in place by lunchtime, including the fact that he would be taken to the respite facility by the care-givers at his daycare centre (he goes Tuesdays and Thursdays). This avoids him tagging me with the big bad ogre who admitted him tag.
    I am just soooo tired, but whether or not I sleep tonight is anyone's guess.
  2. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Auckland, New Zealand
    So hope you do have a good sleep tonight, Di. It's no good when you get to the point you did, for either of you. Thinking of you, let's know how it goes.
    I'm sure you'll get more replies from the northern hemisphere soon.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s such a sad time Di and I`ve every sympathy for you.

    I remember my first respite as if it was yesterday . I was lucky because I met with friends in London and went to see Mama Mia so had a wonderful weekend.

    The rest of the time was weepy but at least I rested and had some peace.

    I phoned the home to see how my husband was and was told `he`s a darling` which made me weepier than ever. If he was such a darling why did I need respite?

    All these thoughts going round and round. Just try to get some benefit, even if it`s a good night`s sleep, no endless questions and a meal without being disturbed.

    He will be fine.
  4. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014

    Small tip . You will be over tired . So two large glass of wine . An hour before you go to bed you will sleep like a log .It will help .
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    I think this is a very good tip. I wouldn't condone drinking to excess but I have found when very stressed with everything that has happened with my mum that making sure I'd had a small glass of wine or Bailey's just before bed ensured some sleep (I certainly didn't need one large glass for it to work).

    You know you have done your best to keep him at home and there was nothing else you could do at this point in time without this help and it is the right thing for him as well as you.
  6. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    funny you should say that - friend arrived round with a small bottle of whisky and some chocolates and we got half way through. I am so grateful for my friends. I was out for lunch today with the same friend when all the phone calls came in and she just took over. Even went to the chemist to collect Lex's medications which all had to be put into blister packs. Love her to bits. I am going to send her a big bunch of flowers tomorrow:)
  7. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Thinking of you di. Hope respite gives you a chance to recharge your batteries.
  8. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Thinking of you Di, another challenge for you, hope you sleep well
  9. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    You've said it yourself, Di. You're so tired. You can't go on indefinitely like that. It does hurt to see your loved one go into whatever care facility. I've missed my hubby whilst he's been in hospital; 11 days, now. I'm now expected to know how to handle his care, and what to choose for him. I don't!

    We both need a proper guiding hand to help us. I truly hope someone can help you in your current event. I really don't have any answers as yet. I've got my meeting with various people tomorrow.

    Wishing us both a bucketload of courage. I know I need it. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  10. Rashley

    Rashley Registered User

    Dec 21, 2014
    Hi Di65 I am in the same situation as yourself as my husband is going in to respite tomorrow for the first time. I will be taking him there and hope that as he has been going for day care there he might settle down okay. Just to get a nights sleep will be heaven. Best wishes for the future. X
  11. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I have just rung the unit, and has had a 'reasonable' night. Apparently upset a couple of other patients, but is fine now sitting and talking to some of the patients. Has even had a shower - a minor miracle.
    I am going to take his favourite pillow in this morning, so that may help him settle at night. Wish it could have been that easy for me - I was awake until about 3.45am. Might have to have a cat nap this afternoon:)

    Thanks for your support everyone xxxxx
  12. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Thinking of you x
  13. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    Hope you have a better night tonight di. Sending you a big ((((hug)))). Es
  14. Kath1947

    Kath1947 Registered User

    Jun 28, 2013
    l feel I am betraying my husband

    My husband has had 5 days in daycare, however, on Monday he was sent back home because he was causing so much disruption & was trying to climb on the chairs he was a danger not only to the other service users but also to himself?? He went yesterday l phoned to check up on him but the manager says he just doesn't settle. No daycare today but l have had the day from hell which started at 5Am with a tenna pant full of poo!!!! The day just got worse with non stop talking (absolute rubbish) walking in & out of rooms, I really am at the end of my tether. I have a appointment on Monday with the consultant psychiatrist l know they are going to recommend a care home & l am so upset but my husband is such a tortured soul my heart aches for him & I feel l am betraying him, l feel so alone .
  15. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello kath147 l know this is so hard for you, l have the same problems everyday, l try so hard to look after my hubby as we have been together for 55yrs, when things get so bad l just give my hubby a big hug and kiss him, l tell him l love him, it seems to calm him down, but only for a little while, then l do the same again, give it a try just makes me feel better for just a little while!!!!
  16. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Kat, it's not betrayal. Far from it. I've only just today started walking down this road. A month's respite is in store when my hubby is considered fit enough to leave hospital. I don't know yet if that month begins now, or when he enters the facility from hospital. I get a rest and a chance to catch up with cleaning our own home, plus I will be able to take him out for a walk, apparently, when he's there. It'll help us both, I know. Missing him is a physical pain in the chest sometimes, but now, we're cared for, and cared about.

    The actual thought that people are looking after my hubby so well is lovely, after the years we've spent with no support whatsoever.

    Respite, or other care, in whatever form it comes is a safety issue for many of us. Our safety as well as our spouses. Try not to think of yourself that way, although I do realise how hard that is.
  17. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Just sending a hug to every one who is doing their very best, and needs to sleep. I have a sister in law who has ' powered by fairy dust' on the back of her car. Well, here's some fairy dust to help you get the sleep you need. Phew! Sweet dreams..
  18. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I got a good sleep last night - albeit with medicated help. I don't allow sleeping pills in the home (past problems with my Mum) but had some antihistamines on hand and took two of those. Succumbed to sleep at 7.30pm and awoke at 8am!! Not even a potty stop during the night:D
    Lex apparently only had about an hours sleep, but was up and chatting to other residents when I phoned, so all good.
    I have had visits from friends today and had my hair done. I also got a bit of the house tidied, as it had been left in rather a state after me rifling through drawers (in vain) for POA's, and sorting out clothes to pack for him.
    Still feel rotten about him being there, but am starting to feel more like the old me.
  19. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    I'm so glad you got a good nights sleep Di :)
  20. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    If "the old you" is happy and full of spirit, then bring it on, Di! I'm so glad you've slept well. Seems like loads of you on this site are having their hair done :D Hope you love that, and really glad you're getting friendly visits, and that your hubby is settling.

    All the very best to you, xxxxxxxxx

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