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The most difficult of times

sadWife11*

New member
Mar 27, 2020
8
My husband is only 68, and has now reached a very difficult stage in his illness. I’ve always thought I could look after him throughout his illness, and have done for years, but now, because of the nature of his illness(possibly FTD) , it has reached a point where it’s unsafe for us both for him to be at home. He has been assessed over the past 2 months in hospital, and I have so wanted medication to be found that would allow him to come home, but sadly, after one trial day and night at home, it was clear that it just wasn’t safe for either of us. He is back in hospital and of course I can’t see him. We are now awaiting news of which home he can go to, and of course, normal procedures don’t apply. My family has been saying for some time this was coming to keep me safe too, but all I can think of late at night is my husband, and this feeling that I have let him down in some way. Has anyone else experienced this? So very hard,
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,603
Merseyside
Welcome to DTP @sadWife11*
You haven’t let him down at all. You’re ensuring that he gets the very best care.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,634
N Ireland
Hello and welcome from me too @sadWife11* .

As has been said, you have not let anyone down as this is the way dementia often progresses. However, the way you feel is both normal and understandable.

Everyone here will understand so please do keep posting. Don't feel alone with this.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,815
69
Dundee
Welcome from me too @sadWife11*

I’m so sorry to read of your situation. There’s no way you have let your husband down.

As Pete says you will find understanding on this site. I’m glad you’ve found us. Wishing you strength.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
834
Kent
Hi @sadWife11*

I can add to the others by also saying that you have certainly not let your dear husband down.

It sounds like we have shared a very similar path in this terrible "journey" - I had cared for my lovely wife for over 6 years, her having been diagnosed with FTD in January 2014. In our case, I managed to keep her at home until August last year when she developed a urinary infection whilst on 2 weeks respite care. She ended up in hospital and had lost all mobility, which meant she needed full time residential nursing care. I hated seeing her go into care but it was really the only option and in her best interests.

Sadly, following a second infection just before Christmas (and another trip to hospital), she went down hill rapidly and unfortunately passed away in January. This was 17 days after her 69th birthday.😢

I too, felt that to some extent, I had let her down - if only I hadn't organised the respite stay, whilst I went on holiday with our sons and grandkids, could I have done more to keep her at home......

My Nan used to have this saying "if ifs and ands were pots and pans, you wouldn't have to wash them" so I tried not to dwell on what lead up to the inevitable outcome we all face. The support of our friends and family, together with the kind words of forum members not only got me through the last 6 years but also continues, now she has gone.

This pandemic is certainly testing us all now, so I hope you and all on TP remain safe and well.

Phil
 

sadWife11*

New member
Mar 27, 2020
8
Thank you all for your responses-I wish I’d found this site sooner. I too wonder what if. What if he hadn’t gone in for assessment etc etc,, but our family say it was because he deteriorated that he went in. The staff there have been wonderful, and they and the family had a much more realistic of the situation than I had, but it’s hard.
 

Littlebear

Registered User
Jan 6, 2017
111
Devon
My husband also has FTD, he's 69 & was diagnosed in 2014. I have so much sympathy for you as I know how difficult, frequently frightening and unsafe things can get.

I had a long chat recently with my OH's MH worker about him going for a MH assessment but we have held off for now but I suspect it won't be for long. The MH worker told me that there is a strong possibility that when he goes for assessment he won't come home. He warned me that due to the nature of FTD the time will come when it will be unsafe for me (& my OH) to look after him at home. I think that time is getting close. He said FTD is by far the most challenging of the dementias to deal with. For me the conversation whilst devastating was a reality check & at the moment I feel much better prepared for the future.

We have tried so many different medications & they either don't work at all or only for a short time. The one good thing for us is that our enforced Corona isolation seems to suit my husband & he has been so much calmer now we are not going out other than for a very short walk (his mobility isn't great).

Sadly you & your husband have reached that point where it is no longer safe for you to care for him. I understand that. It's a situation I know I have coming sooner or later and I dread that day.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you particularly as you are unable to visit him. Hopefully when this enforced isolation is over and you can visit you will find a calmer man & you can enjoy each other's company in the safety of his new surroundings. Meanwhile you need to be proud of the amazing job you have done in looking after your husband for so long under incredibly difficult circumstances. Thinking of you x
 

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