1. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    #1 nicetotalk, Sep 22, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2007
    Hi all

    Not sure where this post is surposed to go but i sit on here and i understand what loved ones are saying about the final journey of a loved one. Yes i have read in some cases it is peaceful, are we not surposed to talk about the outher side of it. I feel on here you can not say how you realy feel as you have to be sensitive to outhers as they might not experience what you went through therfor you have to keep quiet. Well iam sure iam not alone in what us as a family went through those final last few days, i can say it was not peaceful, how can it be to see a loved one no longer eating, no longer haveing fluids, no longer speaking,no longer looking anywhere watching them breath slower and slower, hands and feet turning purple befor your very eyes that was the reality for us as a family. And while posts will be posted on here about how peaceful it was at the end are we not surposed to talk about what happens in some cases. Yes the final hours were not distressing as i thought it would be someone dying but leading up to it was. I could carry on to what i witnessed at the end of my mums life but i would not want to upset those who still have a loved one as i have said you might not go through what we did as a family. I just feel that there may be outhers on here who want to express how they are realy thinking but we feel we have to hold back for fear on not upsetting them that are going through it.

    kathy

    Kathy - I've moved your post because I think it deserves it's own thread. Jennifer
     
  2. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    520
    No It Can Never Be Described As Peacefull For Us Who Sit Waiting For Our Loved Ones To Exit This Life . But Watching Someone Who Is In A Coma Like State For Some Time ,just Take A Last Breath, And Slip Away .... Then That Can Be Classed As Peacefull For Them , Some Descriptions Can Be Very Different , And I For One Was Very Gratefull To Be Able To Use This Phrase. Yes Its True That The Final Stages Are Far From Peacfull , And If You Need To Talk About This , Yes It Is Allowed,
    Angela.xx
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Dear Kathy, TP is here for people to be able to talk about their experiences.

    I think when some posts talk about a `peaceful` death, it is peaceful compared to all the conscious suffering that went before. And many find death a blessed release from suffering.

    But others find death devastating and should feel able to discuss their feelings with the same candour.

    From your posts, it sounds as if you were experiencing every stage of your mother`s death, and I`m so sorry it was so painful for you.

    Love xx
     
  4. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Kathy,

    Yes, you are right. Death can come slowly and painfully for some. I'm so sorry it was that way for your Mum, and that your family have such sad memories.

    If you feel the need to talk about it on TP, please feel free to do so. I'm sure each of us would hope and pray that the end will be peaceful for our own loved ones, but we are realistic enough to know it may not be.

    In your sadness I hope you can find some comfort in the knowledge that your Mum's suffering has ended. Your own memories will be hard to deal with but the fact that she is at peace now may be some compensation for your distress.

    Thinking of you.
     
  5. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Dear Kathy,

    I understand where you're coming from. No, it's not nice to watch someone we love die. No, for us as family it's a devastating time. And no, the end is not always peaceful either.

    I wasn't there when my nan died, or when my aunt died. I saw them both days before, and leaving them was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Nan struggled in the weeks before the end finally came. And my aunt struggled in her last days. I watched her contract pneumonia, and that was anything but peaceful in the first 48 hours. I used to cry before I even came into her room. I used to cry a lot of the time I was sitting with her because I didn't know how to help her, I didn't know if she could hear me or feel my hand.
    I think peace came when she was made comfortable through pain relief and when she eventually slipped into a deep coma. And then it took another three days...

    I was there when my gramps and my uncle died. And I can say my uncle's death was mercifully quick and very peaceful. He had had a massive heart attack and just slipped away. It was like going to sleep.

    Be that as it may, the sadness is overwhelming. And the waiting is awful, indescribably so. And so hard for those of us who stay behind. And who would not give anything to make things better and not to have to face situations like this....

    I think peace for me means that my loved ones were not in any pain or obvious discomfort in their final hours. Peace meant also that we as a family were around, for them and for each other. Despite all the tears and the grief and the sadness, it helped for us to be together, and we found comfort in that.

    Months later, well, ... there's the greatest big wide gaping hole and I still cry buckets. I know my grandparents and aunt and uncle are now free of pain and illness and suffering, and I wouldn't want them to be here and suffer. And however much I try to console myself with that, there are days when I just miss them, full stop. And it hurts. I try to think what they would say to me or want me to do, and I try to carry on in a way that would make them feel happy and proud.

    Thinking of you and sending you caring wishes. Glad you're here on TP, come and post whenever you need to.

    Love, Tina x
     
  6. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum died nearly 4 months ago, quite unexpectedly. She had a tummy bug and was just getting over it and sitting in her armchair, beginning to eat. Her Nursing Home rang me at 6am the next day to say she'd collapsed and had been taken to hospital. By the time we got there at about 7am, she'd already died from a heart attack.

    Everything was so sudden, that I don't feel like we had a chance to prepare ourselves for the end. We were able to arrange the funeral the following week and I'm finding that it has only been in the last month or so, that the reality of Mum's death has actually hit me.

    We are hoping to be able to arrange to scatter her ashes soon and perhaps have a garden seat with a memorial plaque in our Church garden.

    I started a new job this month and it seemed so strange not being able to tell Mum about it.
    Kayla
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    You really didn`t have time to prepare yourself Kayla and you are suffering now.

    But even if you had had time, I`m sure you would still be suffering. It`s such a short time since your mother died and she is still an important part of your life, so you must allow yourself time to grieve.

    I`m so sorry you were unable to tell her about your new job, but you do know she would have been happy for you.

    Four months is a very short time.

    Take care and enjoy your new job.

    Love xx
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Kathy,
    I think that I referred to my mums death as being peaceful - for her it was. Yes for us as a family it was extremely painful - we watched as people tried to get her to eat and drink, and as she gagged on her food, we watched her change colour; we were afraid, not knowing what to look for - would she die whilst we were in the toilet, or when the nurses made us leave the room so they could turn her.

    The not knowing - not knowing how long she had - how long it would go on for - should we go home or stay - that was so hard to bear.

    Kayla, I feel for you - being denied the chance to say goodbye. Mum's dying lasted about two weeks - she seemed to pull round from the first infection. Had she died then I think the shock would have been far greater - the waiting and watching, though painful - did give us chance to come to terms with her leaving.

    Loss of valued relationships hurt - (whether it be loss through death, or loss through being ostracised) - no-one can argue with that.
    Helen
     
  9. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum actually looked quite well, compared with some of the other people in her Nursing Home and she was only 82. She couldn't walk any more, but she was able to hold a reasonable conversation and she also enjoyed her food most of the time.
    I guess she could have had a heart attack at any time and the tummy bug didn't really have much to do with her death.
    I think the Nursing home staff were also shocked by her sudden death, as it was so unexpected and Mum hadn't had any problems with her heart before.
    At least she wasn't alone when she died and she couldn't have had much time to be aware of anything either.
    The trouble is, people think that isn't so bad if the person was in a Nursing Home, but my Mum still died and isn't here any more.
    Kayla
     
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    They also think it is not so bad if they have had dementia "cos she's not really been your mum" - yes she was!! Its funny how it is the little things that hurt - those bits of information that you just want to share, because you know that they would have been proud, or have brought comfort.
    Kayla - why dont you sit down and write your mum a letter about your new job?
    Love Helen
     
  11. SusanR

    SusanR Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    19
    WisconsinUSA
    My husband, Rich, has started the dying process and it has all been explained to me what to expect. So far it has been peaceful for him, but not so much for me. We thought he would not live through this weekend, but he is still here. I have told him it is okay to leave that I will be fine. This is the tenth year since the original diagnosis of dementia and I have known for the last three weeks that this was coming, but when told this past Thursday he probably would not live the weekend, it hit. This is what we have wished for, but reality is another thing. He was not taking up the whole bed yesterday so I laid down beside him, held him and fell asleep. I will treasure that gift forever.

    Susan
     
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Dear Susan,

    What can one possibly say? Such a sad time for you.

    Take care
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Dear Susan,

    A poignant post, it brought tears to my eyes.

    Take care xx
     
  14. alirob

    alirob Registered User

    Mar 11, 2007
    8
    warwick
    My mother died 4 weeks ago today.
    Mum died peacefully and yes, for us it was the most awful moment but, for her, it marked the end of ten years of decline from an intelligent, stunningly beautiful woman to a body that had to be hoisted into and out of bed and was placed in a chair which supported her fully because she had no control over her limbs or body. She was no longer able to swallow or even open her mouth.
    The final days were unbelievably awful, knowing that, now, the end really was near. My father and my sister and I were united in complete grief and fear. We knew her death was coming as her usually strong pulse weakened and her limbs became blotchy. The nurse was unable to detect any blood pressure but Mum was still breathing. Mum was breathing at a rate of about 60 breaths per minute. This rapid breathing had started the previous day and I had been warned by a doctor friend that this often led to a traumatic death as the patient gasped for air and that such gasping was extremely distressing for the patient so we dreaded this occurring.
    Fortunately such gasping was not the final indignity of Alzheimer's for Mum. She just faded with a final breath, opening her eyes and looking at us before she did so.
    For the three of us present, we were totally distraught but, Mum had died peacefully and her suffering had ended. Her head lay to one side on her pillow with a slight smile on her face.
    Our suffering at the loss of a wonderful wife and mother hasn't and never will.
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Dear alirob,

    Such a moving account of the death of your mother. I can only offer my deepest sympathy and sincere condolences.

    Love xx
     
  16. SusanR

    SusanR Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    19
    WisconsinUSA
    Rich died this morning five minutes before I arrived at the NH. The hospice chaplain and nurse were with him so he was not alone. I am sure he knew I was coming and wanted to make it easier for me. It reminded me of the beautiful song, 'Softly, I will leave you'. Similar to Alirob, I was happy for him to see him at peace. Ten years is a long time - he is free and so am I. I have been thinking all day, 'I never have to walk into that nursing home again'.


    Susan
     
  17. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Susan

    it sounds as if you are yourself at peace with the way this happened and this is really good - though beware it does not belatedly sneak up behind you and break all that up.

    Take time to let things settle, and I hope that, with the journey to the nursing home episode closed [don't we all think, albeit at present with some dread, how good it will be to be able to say "I never have to walk into that nursing home again"] , you can get life so far back into perspective and move on, taking happy memories, not sad ones, with you.
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Dear Susan.
    Please accept my deepest sympathy and sincere condolences.
    10 years is a long time, and now both of you are free of this dreadful disease.
    Love xx
     
  19. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    So sorry to hear your sad news, Susan. The end of a long journey. Relief mixed with grief and sadness and happy memories of better times.
    Look after yourself,
    Tina x
     
  20. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Susan,
    Sending you caring wishes at this difficult time. It is good to see that you are remaining positive. You can now start a new phase in your own life, in the knowledge that Rich is at peace at last. Thinking of you.
     

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