The emotional roller-coaster - care home

[Toopie28]

I know throughout this whole journey. I've tried to deal with it on a day to day basis. Having to put Ma in a care home was the latest, but I did it.

I've tried to navigate through the difficulties. Communication with staff, people that I have visit Ma, her needs as well as personal calls with her and she demanding to go home.

Throughout it all the staff will always say how well she's doing. And I do think that she is - up to a point and and there's no choice because there's nothing else I can do.

All this to say, how did you all deal with this emotional rollercoaster of being saturated with guilt every day. Just feeling hopeless and no light.

The new thing with Ma is that a couple of ladies are picking on her. She mistakenly sat on one of their chairs in the main tv room. They screamed at her to get up and leave and she did. Now anytime they see her they scream at her. She gets scared and she goes into her room.

This has been going on for about 5 days now. I was hoping they would forget and we could move on. And I think at some point, they may?

But it's always going to be something. Always.

I know there's no exact timeline, But how long did it take you to feel at peace with your loved one being in a care home.

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

I think there is difficulty on different dimensions. My rollercoaster has been around my Mum's health since being in the home and feeling like I'm constantly having to fight for her and often banging my head against a wall. That's actually about as good now as it's been in the last 6 months but I don't think there's a linear progress, the best you can hope for is a bit of respite. The dimension around guilt is one many on here describe. Fortunately my Mum doesn't beg me to leave or anything, which came as a surprise. Certainly I feel bad that I put her in an environment where I know the care is inevitably not good enough. I say that because the ratios of staff to residents make that impossible.

At the start I feared what you described, that the other ladies were not accepting Mum. I'm pondering whether the answer to that is 'well the ladies don't have capacity so it's hard to control that' or to say 'hang on a minute, the home can do a lot to create a good culture'. The main thing that will cover that is that staff are around.

It must have happened before and the management should get their thinking caps on to turn that bad vibe around. Re-arrange all of the furniture? Making a conscious effort to seat residents and thus putting them in different chairs and positions? They need to do something radical. It's completely not ok, what you describe. But have you spoken to management about it? I know there's so much going on and you have to choose your battles and you're probably hoping it will solve itself.

I'm afraid that health and social care environments are so challenging to work in that people do allow some unhealthy stuff to go unchallenged. And I observe (also through my work experience) a big gulf between the experience of frontline staff and management. Managers are out of touch but I feel they've allowed that to happen. They've worked their way up and they are not rushing to be walking the corridors themselves. I would recommend they did. When I was working I found it down to me to let them know crazy things they had no knowledge were going on and now I find the same thing as a relative.

I would say the one thing you have some control of is your own mind. I'm hopeless at it but whatever demoralising stuff is going on with trying to support a PWD, it is possible to sit down, centre yourself and practice stilling your mind aka mindfulness. It's like hitting a reset button, so you can shift your energy and then go again. We're aiming for that serenity prayer, accept the things you can't control, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know which things fall into which category. And always know that others are facing the same overwhelm or some equally difficult but slightly different version of it.

 

[Toopie28]

I think there is difficulty on different dimensions. My rollercoaster has been around my Mum's health since being in the home and feeling like I'm constantly having to fight for her and often banging my head against a wall. That's actually about as good now as it's been in the last 6 months but I don't think there's a linear progress, the best you can hope for is a bit of respite. The dimension around guilt is one many on here describe. Fortunately my Mum doesn't beg me to leave or anything, which came as a surprise. Certainly I feel bad that I put her in an environment where I know the care is inevitably not good enough. I say that because the ratios of staff to residents make that impossible.

At the start I feared what you described, that the other ladies were not accepting Mum. I'm pondering whether the answer to that is 'well the ladies don't have capacity so it's hard to control that' or to say 'hang on a minute, the home can do a lot to create a good culture'. The main thing that will cover that is that staff are around.

It must have happened before and the management should get their thinking caps on to turn that bad vibe around. Re-arrange all of the furniture? Making a conscious effort to seat residents and thus putting them in different chairs and positions? They need to do something radical. It's completely not ok, what you describe. But have you spoken to management about it? I know there's so much going on and you have to choose your battles and you're probably hoping it will solve itself.

I'm afraid that health and social care environments are so challenging to work in that people do allow some unhealthy stuff to go unchallenged. And I observe (also through my work experience) a big gulf between the experience of frontline staff and management. Managers are out of touch but I feel they've allowed that to happen. They've worked their way up and they are not rushing to be walking the corridors themselves. I would recommend they did. When I was working I found it down to me to let them know crazy things they had no knowledge were going on and now I find the same thing as a relative.

I would say the one thing you have some control of is your own mind. I'm hopeless at it but whatever demoralising stuff is going on with trying to support a PWD, it is possible to sit down, centre yourself and practice stilling your mind aka mindfulness. It's like hitting a reset button, so you can shift your energy and then go again. We're aiming for that serenity prayer, accept the things you can't control, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know which things fall into which category. And always know that others are facing the same overwhelm or some equally difficult but slightly different version of it.

Respite! I think that's it. That's how I have to think about it.

I'm so sorry about your mum's health. And like you say, that wall!

And you're right, I have to pick battles. I mentioned it to staff and they said - well some people are territorial. I do understand that as I suppose if you've been there for many years, that's your routine. That's your chair/place.

The manager is unapproachable. She's rude, dismissive and aggressive. I've learned to stay away from her and go direct to the staff leads.

The staff love Ma and most of the people at the home too so I knew this would happen. She's very popular and much like school, you're going to have the ones that don't like her. And then they will become verbally abusive.

And again, the reason Ma is in a home is I couldn't find staff to care for her at home and I was paying a LOT more the carehome staff get. So yeh, lack of staff and doing what they can. Maybe they don't notice it anymore?
I know that there is an emergency alarm outside Ma's room (for when the help button is pressed) and this alarm is NON-STOP. Loud, continuous ringing (people press it by mistake) and every time I've been there or called, non-stop loud ringing. My point is no-one notices anymore. I try to not when I'm there as Ma has excellent hearing.

accept the things you can't control, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know which things fall into which category. And always know that others are facing the same overwhelm or some equally difficult but slightly different version of it.

But this! This is what I need to do.
Thank you xxx

 

[maisiecat]

Respite! I think that's it. That's how I have to think about it.

I'm so sorry about your mum's health. And like you say, that wall!

And you're right, I have to pick battles. I mentioned it to staff and they said - well some people are territorial. I do understand that as I suppose if you've been there for many years, that's your routine. That's your chair/place.

The manager is unapproachable. She's rude, dismissive and aggressive. I've learned to stay away from her and go direct to the staff leads.

The staff love Ma and most of the people at the home too so I knew this would happen. She's very popular and much like school, you're going to have the ones that don't like her. And then they will become verbally abusive.

And again, the reason Ma is in a home is I couldn't find staff to care for her at home and I was paying a LOT more the carehome staff get. So yeh, lack of staff and doing what they can. Maybe they don't notice it anymore?
I know that there is an emergency alarm outside Ma's room (for when the help button is pressed) and this alarm is NON-STOP. Loud, continuous ringing (people press it by mistake) and every time I've been there or called, non-stop loud ringing. My point is no-one notices anymore. I try to not when I'm there as Ma has excellent hearing.


But this! This is what I need to do.
Thank you xxx

All of these things are difficult and complex and often you don't get the validation you richly deserve. I think your Mum will learn to navigate the other residents as time goes on. I think Homes try to stop the residents having "their chair" but its like sweeping back the sea. Ask the staff to take your Mum to the lounge and find her an acceptable chair so she gets used to that.
I suspect that no one does this to my husband as he quickly flips to being pretty aggressive but he did tell me once that David thinks he owns that chair so I sit in it to annoy him.
I agree with the thing about the Managers being a bit out of touch. I have had some very peculiar things said to me.
Take some time to let things settle, encourage your Mum to mix and cut yourself some slack. PWD's journey is hard but ours as caregivers is impossible. Celebrate any small wins