The day I have been dreading....

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by cat64, Mar 12, 2016.

  1. cat64

    cat64 Registered User

    Sep 1, 2014
    I am sat here in tears and just about to go and get the train to my sisters house so that we can hopefully get mum out of her home into a care home. .She is in Birmingham and and I'm in Notts and she is coming nearer to me. heaven knows if she will get in the car let along stay somewhere strange.....I keep dreaming of mum hammering on doors:( I havent slept properly in weeks.

    We have looked at many homes and feel this is the right place for her but it feels worse than when I took my children to nurseries, feel its the finality of it all.

    will update you later how the day has seem a lovely lot and feel i will need to ask you loads of questions in the coming months.
  2. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Giving you a supportive hug. Difficult times but try to keep in mind that you are doing this out of loving concern and that, although it might take time for her to settle, she will be safer with 24hr carers and less for her to fret over trying to manage (and you fretting about it too)
    Hope it goes as smoothly as possible. Take care x
  3. Otiruz

    Otiruz Registered User

    Nov 28, 2015
    I have experienced the same thing this week - it's the hardest and saddest decision to make but ultimately I have come down on the side of safety and care - both of which Mum will receive as will yours. Take heart in the knowledge that this decision is made out of love, be kind to yourself as you are being kind to your Mum.
  4. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    Oh Cat, it is the most difficult of things to do. As Celia says, remember you have found the best place you can for your mum to move to and think of the relief you will feel when you know there is someone on duty 24/7 to watch over her. You can visit as often as you want and enjoy being with her without the constant worry.

    Gosh, I remember the moment with mum so well. I was a nervous wreck, but we told mum we were going to a hotel for tea and to stay overnight.

    After a while, I sneaked out without saying goodbye. I rang the home several times the first night! It was awful, but mum soon settled and was amazed that somehow she had bought such a grand house for herself, complete with staff!!!
  5. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Thinking of you. It is a sad and difficult time for you.
    Even though my husband went straight from many months in a hospital to a nursing home, I still recall the panic and dread I felt that day.

    Wishing you strength and I hope your mother will settle into the home well. xxx
  6. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    My mum went in last Thursday and I told her she was going to a hotel. I have never cried so much in my whole life when I left her.

    I'm sure you have seen from other recent posts that a move to 24hr care can be a positive thing. I think as a society it is ingrained into us that care homes are awful places were the residents are abandoned by their unloving families to die and at all cost we should keep them at home so they have independence. Yes my mum did have independence at home she could go outside late at night waiting for the shops to open, she could walk round the house with a torch as she didn't like to put lights on, she could sit on her own terrified and confused as she didn't recognise where she was, she could fall in the night and not be found till the next morning as she didn't remember what her alarm necklace was - the list is endless.

    When I went to visit my mum yesterday she was sitting in the lounge with a cup of tea and toast chatting to another resident and her daughter. She gave me a big smile and wave. I think she is thriving on the routine. She hasn't asked to come home and doesn't worry a bit when I leave, and neither do I, for the first time in years I can visit enjoy my time with mum then go home and be with my family knowing mum is safe and not feeling guilty she is on her own and wondering what she is Up to.

    Please don't see this move as a bad thing, try and change your mind set. This is a positive move for your mum. She will be safe and have people round her all the time and you can visit her more often. In my case it seems more cruel that we struggled on trying to keep mum at home for so long. Good luck and hoping your mum takes to her new "hotel" as well as my mum has.
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I do so feel for you - I well remember dreading the day, feeling sick inside and being so afraid that it would be a disaster. In the event it all went a lot better than we'd dared to hope.

    I do hope you will find the same - everything crossed for you. Do please let us know how it goes.
  8. liz56

    liz56 Registered User

    Feb 15, 2015
    North Somerset
    Thinking of you today. We were at the same point a month ago, then again last week because the first care home didn't work out ( not secure enough, our Houdini managed to escape !) .
    But you will hopefully find it positive in longer term. Dad is settled now, chats to other residents , tells us he 'knows all these people' , likes the food, seems to thrive on the slow pace and routine. Perhaps living with us in a busy working household was just too fast moving for him?
    I so hope it works for you all, as it seems to be for us.
    By the way we said the second home is ' a branch ' of the first one, and he took the move in his stride . Sometimes he thinks it's a hotel, sometimes 'lodgings' like he had after the war ! Use any kind white lies that help you all through the day, and first few weeks
  9. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Thinking of you today, cat64, and hoping all goes well for everyone.
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Thinking of you today and hope it goes well. My mum always told me she would take an overdose of med8cation if i tried to move her to a home. 2 weeks after her move she told me it was the best hotel she had ever been in and could not belive she was going to be allowed to live there. She said "a hotel only for retired people that has nurses and is beside the park - all old people should get this!". Hope your mum feels the same.
  11. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    Hope things have gone as well as possible for you, my Mum has been in her carehome nearly. 3 years now, it wasn't easy in the early days and the guilty feelings never really go away, just have to keep telling ourselves that they are safer and mostly well looked after and instead of us doing all the horrible jobs we get to visit and spend a bit of quality time with our loved ones.

  12. cat64

    cat64 Registered User

    Sep 1, 2014
    Well thanks for the lovely messages.............after 2 attempts we got her there.

    This morning she wouldn't even get out of her chair and just shouted at us that she was too ill so wasn't going anywhere. So we gave her a coffee and some paracetamol and lots of biscuits [ she loves biscuits] and told her we would leave her be thinking the worst.......

    We went to walk the dog and have some lunch and rang our dad.........they have been divorced for 20 years but he is still very concerned about her....and she listens to him.

    he came up to see her and we went back too and we all sat and had a drink and told numerous but kind lies that dad had been to see the gp and the carers really needed a break and he had found a lovely place for her to stay for a few nights.
    She got a bit stroppy but dad got her in my sisters car while I flew round the house gathering photos/ornaments towels etc and we went at speed to the care home.

    They are lovely and are backing up our story thats she is there for a few fingers crossed she behaves and we are not rung tomorrow to take her home again.

    I know its the right thing to do and I left her eating three pieces of fruit cake and masses of feraria rocher chocolate!!...major sweet tooth. .....She has lost three stone in the last 18 months so fingers crossed it carries on.....we have tried dieticians/gp/carers with treats and meals on wheels! she hated the lot! hopefully a little pampering in a 'hotel' might work??!?!?!?!

    I am now sat with major belly ache deeply stressed and very tired having a quiet moment before my boys get back from football. I don't drink but almost feel I might start again after today.
    thank you all.:(:(
  13. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi cat64
    well done :)
    chocolate biscuits have been my ally with dad for years !
    have a packet yourself, maybe share one or two with your boys

    just about this bit:
    Please - if that phone call comes make up any excuse under the sun to not do it; the home staff will find a way of supporting her; don't undo all your good work today
    you deserve some pampering too

    best wishes
  14. liz56

    liz56 Registered User

    Feb 15, 2015
    North Somerset
    Definitely agree Shedrech, when dad wandered out of his first care home it was so tempting to bring him home ( the guilt!) but we stayed firm & found a safer place .
  15. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    Cat hugs my sister told me about your post. We are also coming to the time when mum has to go. Incontinence started she has lost things. I have to go talk tomorrow.
  16. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Well done Cat. I hope you manage to sleep tonight.
    That's the really hard part done.
    Now it's a case of staying resolute regardless of what comes next.
    It won't always be easy but you'll know you are doing your best for your mother. x
  17. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    Well done, Cat. What a nerve racking day, but you succeeded.

    Try to give yourself a break from worrying tonight. I am sure your mum will be looked after and safe tonight. Fingers crossed when you ring tomorrow ( as I expect you will) you will find that your mum was much better than you are fearing.

    Let us know how it goes.
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Well done Cat. Just keep reminding yourself of all the reasons that got you to this point.
    William's health actually improved dramatically when he went into the nursing home. He ate and drank enough there, which he wouldn't do at home no matter what I gave him. He also took his medication regularly with no problems, where I had had to hide it in food and then sometimes he ate it, sometimes he wouldn't. He also slept better - he seemed to relax more, once he realised that no matter when, there was always someone around to help him. He couldn't get lost, someone would find him, day or night. Of course, the danger then us, as I went through, they start doing so well, we start thinking "surely things weren't really so bad? Surely I could manage if I took them home again? " - but we couldn't.
  19. ladybird58

    ladybird58 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    Of course, the danger then us, as I went through, they start doing so well, we start thinking "surely things weren't really so bad? Surely I could manage if I took them home again? " - but we couldn't.
    This, taken from LadyA post is so true x I hope your mum settles in the home well x
  20. Lyn100

    Lyn100 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    How do you know

    My mother in law has late stages vascular dementia....the change has been quite quick in two weeks she has gone down fast...the family has been trying to keep it together but I think the time has come to find a home.....when did anyone else make that decision? At what point did you know the time was right?:confused:

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