The beginnings of inappropriate behaviour?

[looviloo]

A number of things have happened recently that have worried me.

Dad has mixed dementia and lives in a care home. Two months ago he started taking 5g mamentine per day and to me he seems to have declined quite significantly since he started the medication. His scant speech has almost disappeared, he struggles to walk, is sometimes incontinent and is bewildered most of the time. Of course it could just be progression of the disease and nothing to do with the medication.

Anyway, last week for first time EVER I felt uncomfortable being alone with him. He kept trying to make me sit on the bed in his room and then walking over to join me... slowly, using his frame... pointing and getting upset when I moved. It doesn't help that he can't communicate. It was only a minor thing, but because he sometimes mixes me up with mum (who died 14 years ago) it really bothered me.

Today we sat in the lounge, and another resident told me that she and dad are married and that like any married couple they were having a few ups and downs. She was very serious about it. When she left the room dad said her name (it was just about recognisable), so I asked if she talked to him? *nod* Does she tell you about her life? *nod* He didn't seem distressed, but it's hard to tell. Before I left to go home, dad started getting upset, wanting me to stay and sit next to him. This doesn't usually happen. The care manager stepped in and sat with him for a while.

I spoke to the manager about it and the staff are all aware that the other resident has now fixated on dad. They are closely monitoring it.

So I guess I'm wondering if the different behaviours might be linked, if the new medication might be involved, if dad might be worrying about the other resident or (unbeknownst to us) reciprocating in some way and if it might be a phase that will pass? To be honest, I'm starting to feel out of my depth now.

Sorry for the long post! I've been reading other experiences on here and know this might seem insignificant compared to some. But if anything inappropriate did happen, in any capacity, I'd find it very difficult to deal with and would hate for dad to be suffering in any way without being able to express himself.

 

[jaymor]

It’s all part and parcel of dementia. I’m sure it makes us all uncomfortable when inhibitions go and nothing is off limits. On the brighter side I was chatted up more in my husband’s nursing home than I was at 8stone and 18 years old.

I was sitting one day next to my husband holding his hand and a lady visitor sat down the other side of him. He looked at her and back at me, let go of my hand and immediately held the lady’s hand. She thanked him. Every time our daughter visited she would walk down the the corridor with her arm round her Dad’s waist and he with his arm round her waist. Before you could count to 10 you would hear her say ‘ hand up Dad ‘and she would move his hand off her bottom and back up to her waist.

As long as the staff are aware and are ready to step in if anything more than what is happening at present happens then hopefully this behaviour will pass and a new one will take its place, hopefully something that won’t make you feel uncomfortable. It’s certainly a rollercoaster of a ride living with dementia.

 

[marionq]

I wonder if he is a bit uncomfortable with the lady's attention and knows you are closer to him. My husband likes the company of other people and will unhesitatingly sit next to any lady on his minibus. If one decided to make a move eg kiss him, I really dont know how he would deal with that. I think it would bother him. He's quite clear who his wife is even if he does occasionally call me Mum!

 

[looviloo]

It’s all part and parcel of dementia. I’m sure it makes us all uncomfortable when inhibitions go and nothing is off limits. On the brighter side I was chatted up more in my husband’s nursing home than I was at 8stone and 18 years old.

I was sitting one day next to my husband holding his hand and a lady visitor sat down the other side of him. He looked at her and back at me, let go of my hand and immediately held the lady’s hand. She thanked him. Every time our daughter visited she would walk down the the corridor with her arm round her Dad’s waist and he with his arm round her waist. Before you could count to 10 you would hear her say ‘ hand up Dad ‘and she would move his hand off her bottom and back up to her waist.

As long as the staff are aware and are ready to step in if anything more than what is happening at present happens then hopefully this behaviour will pass and a new one will take its place, hopefully something that won’t make you feel uncomfortable. It’s certainly a rollercoaster of a ride living with dementia.

Thank you - it's hard to keep perspective sometimes! I love visiting dad's care home, and enjoy talking to the other residents (many of them have their own dementia issues). Not sure how I would feel if dad (for instance) put his hand on my bottom... I hope I could be as 'cool' about it as your daughter. I definitely don't mind him having close friend's there, but if the resident's delusion strays into something else... well. I trust the care home, know them well and know that they are watching carefully. You're right, it's definitely a rollercoaster.

 

[looviloo]

I wonder if he is a bit uncomfortable with the lady's attention and knows you are closer to him. My husband likes the company of other people and will unhesitatingly sit next to any lady on his minibus. If one decided to make a move eg kiss him, I really dont know how he would deal with that. I think it would bother him. He's quite clear who his wife is even if he does occasionally call me Mum!

I wondered that too. I was thinking about it driving home, that perhaps dad didn't want me to leave because the other resident might sit in that seat. As it happened, the manager was around and sat there instead. Because he can't express himself it becomes very difficult. He often says 'yes' when he means 'no' and vice versa. It's so nice that your husband is clear that you're his wife - I think dad still knows who I am but I suspect it comes and goes.

 

[Elle3]

Hi Looviloo, you may or may not have seen my thread which I started a few weeks ago about my dad's inappropriate behaviour towards me. I too was asking for advice as it was getting very uncomfortable. Every time I would visit dad he would constantly tell me how much he loved me and what he wanted to do to me and he kept asking me to go to bed with him, I think he thought I was his wife and it was getting very difficult to deal with and if I said no I couldn't he would get very upset as he thought I was then rejecting him.

What I did, was speak to the resident care home nurse about dads behaviour as I suspected that it was the Trazodone that had been prescribed for dad that was causing this behaviour as it had never happened before and she agreed, as dad had also acted inappropriately one evening to a member of staff. She said she would call the Mental Health team and ask for them to prescribe something else, which they did, Risperidone.

In the meantime I was advised not to be alone with dad, the staff helped with this and it was suggested I try to visit dad with someone else, so I started to visit with either my husband or my son. When I did this, he had no interest in me at all, it was only when I visited on my own.

He's been on this new medication now for a couple of weeks and I'm pleased to say all inappropriate behaviour has stopped and all is back to normal thank goodness and I can now visit on my own again.

I totally understand how difficult this must be for you and maybe your dad is doing this because of the other ladies attention and doing this is his only way he is able to communicate it to you. I hope you get help from the care home to deal with this.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[looviloo]

Hi Looviloo, you may or may not have seen my thread which I started a few weeks ago about my dad's inappropriate behaviour towards me. I too was asking for advice as it was getting very uncomfortable. Every time I would visit dad he would constantly tell me how much he loved me and what he wanted to do to me and he kept asking me to go to bed with him, I think he thought I was his wife and it was getting very difficult to deal with and if I said no I couldn't he would get very upset as he thought I was then rejecting him.

What I did, was speak to the resident care home nurse about dads behaviour as I suspected that it was the Trazodone that had been prescribed for dad that was causing this behaviour as it had never happened before and she agreed, as dad had also acted inappropriately one evening to a member of staff. She said she would call the Mental Health team and ask for them to prescribe something else, which they did, Risperidone.

In the meantime I was advised not to be alone with dad, the staff helped with this and it was suggested I try to visit dad with someone else, so I started to visit with either my husband or my son. When I did this, he had no interest in me at all, it was only when I visited on my own.

He's been on this new medication now for a couple of weeks and I'm pleased to say all inappropriate behaviour has stopped and all is back to normal thank goodness and I can now visit on my own again.

I totally understand how difficult this must be for you and maybe your dad is doing this because of the other ladies attention and doing this is his only way he is able to communicate it to you. I hope you get help from the care home to deal with this.

Take care.
Elle x

Hi Elle, I did see your thread - so sorry you've had to go through all this, it's so difficult isn't it? I'm glad to hear that the situation has improved and hope it continues. Like me, I'm sure you never expected to have to deal with anything like this but here we are, and thank goodness for the forum!

Can I ask how long your dad was on trazodone for? My dad's taking trazodone too, although he's been taking it for quite some time (maybe 2 years). He's on a low dose, and when the GP tried increasing it, his mobility was severely affected so they lowered the dose again. I've never connected it to his changing behaviour, but it's odd that you mention it. I can't see 'inappropriate behaviour' on any of the list of side effects, but you obviously feel that the trazodone was at least partly to blame with your dad, which is making me wonder...

I'm insisting on only being with dad in public areas of the care home now. During yesterday's visit, dad wanted us to go to his room but I made every excuse I could think of ('let's stay here, it's lunch-time soon' being my usual one).

I'm sure the attention from the lady resident must be affecting him. I do wonder if it's been going on for longer than we realise, which might explain his other behaviour as you say :-/.

 

[canary]

My mum had delusions about other residents of her care home. There was a lady there who she was convinced had been a friend right back from childhood (they had only met in the care home). This lady was under the same delusion, so they became firm friends, which was sweet, but mum also had a delusion that she was married to one of the male residents. He, however, knew that this wasnt true and his wife was upset, so the care home had to keep them apart for a while. This was one time when we could not go along with her delusion and had to keep telling her that he wasnt her husband. Fortunately this did pass and they ended up simply friends, but it was very awkward at the time.

 

[looviloo]

My mum had delusions about other residents of her care home. There was a lady there who she was convinced had been a friend right back from childhood (they had only met in the care home). This lady was under the same delusion, so they became firm friends, which was sweet, but mum also had a delusion that she was married to one of the male residents. He, however, knew that this wasnt true and his wife was upset, so the care home had to keep them apart for a while. This was one time when we could not go along with her delusion and had to keep telling her that he wasnt her husband. Fortunately this did pass and they ended up simply friends, but it was very awkward at the time.

Hi canary, thanks for sharing this. Like your mum, dad has mistaken people for friends he knew way-back-when, but strangely this has only happened outside the care home. If the situation continues as it is, and dad isn't feeling upset about it, then just monitoring it is probably enough. I feel as upset for the lady as I do for dad, actually... she has clearly been a very intelligent person and speaks very eloquently and logically. I can only imagine how her family feels about this. So I just have everything crossed it's a phase that passes quickly.

I suppose my main worry, apart from dad's odd and uncomfortable behaviour lately, is if he gets annoyed and lashes out in some way. That would be truly awful

 

[Elle3]

Hi Elle, I did see your thread - so sorry you've had to go through all this, it's so difficult isn't it? I'm glad to hear that the situation has improved and hope it continues. Like me, I'm sure you never expected to have to deal with anything like this but here we are, and thank goodness for the forum!

Can I ask how long your dad was on trazodone for? My dad's taking trazodone too, although he's been taking it for quite some time (maybe 2 years). He's on a low dose, and when the GP tried increasing it, his mobility was severely affected so they lowered the dose again. I've never connected it to his changing behaviour, but it's odd that you mention it. I can't see 'inappropriate behaviour' on any of the list of side effects, but you obviously feel that the trazodone was at least partly to blame with your dad, which is making me wonder...

I'm insisting on only being with dad in public areas of the care home now. During yesterday's visit, dad wanted us to go to his room but I made every excuse I could think of ('let's stay here, it's lunch-time soon' being my usual one).

I'm sure the attention from the lady resident must be affecting him. I do wonder if it's been going on for longer than we realise, which might explain his other behaviour as you say :-/.

My dad was only on the Trazodone for about 2 weeks before I saw the change in his behaviour so this probably made it easier for us to recognise that this could be the cause, it was someone on the forum that mentioned it to me and made me question it with the nurse at the care home and she said it is a known issue but isn’t common. When he was taken off it there was an immediate change so we were obviously right.

My dad was the same, he kept saying he wanted to be alone with me and kept trying to kiss me. I had to keep making excuses to take a 5 minute break, hoping I could break the repetitiveness of it, you can only cope a short while with someone constantly trying to look into your eyes and keep saying “I love you, I do love you”. I tried changing my body language and sitting further away and I insisted on a carer joining us to chat. Luckily I only had to deal with it for about 2 weeks, so I really feel for you.

It might definitely be worth questioning and getting a review of your dads meds.

Elle x

 

[Bunpoots]

It was me that mentioned about the meds changing my dad's behaviour. It took me about 6 months to realise that what it was. Someone else on here suggested it was worth thinking back to when the behaviour started and if there had been any changes in medication at that time.

Thank goodness for TP!!

 

[Elle3]

It was me that mentioned about the meds changing my dad's behaviour. It took me about 6 months to realise that what it was. Someone else on here suggested it was worth thinking back to when the behaviour started and if there had been any changes in medication at that time.

Thank goodness for TP!!

I ditto that, thank you Bunpoots it always helps having someone else’s perspective or experience. X