Supporting my Mum with bereavement

[LesMis]

Hello, if anyone has any ideas they can share I'd be so grateful.
My parents both were living in a care home for the last 10 months. Dad had advanced Alzheimer's and Mum has vascular dementia in mid stages. Very sadly Dad passed away just 2 days ago. I was with him and waited for Mum to wake to tell her. She had spent so much time with him and me during the last few days, and although we talked about it very openly she couldn't accept he was dying. She was devastated of course and wanted to see him, which we did, as he was still just in the adjoining room. She didn't believe he was dead for several minutes. It was an awful experience. Having accepted it if course she was distraught as you would expect. They were childhood sweethearts and had been married for 72 years. Within the hour she had forgotten and was asking me if he was feeling better. This has repeated over and over. It is heart breaking telling her and seeing her so distressed.
When she asks about other deceased relatives we had stopped telling her they had died and just said something like "they are all fine... We had fun on holiday with them didnt we....let's go have a cup tea".
However I can't say this about Dad because she wants to see him and is trying his door. We are trying to keep her busy, have paired her up with a lovely chatty resident, made a cushion with Dad's photo on she can cuddle. I know it is very raw and early days, but if there is anything else we can try I'd be so grateful.
We are wondering about her moving to a different room awaynfrom his, but this might make her even more confused, Sarah

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @LesMis Welcome to Dementia Support Forum. My condolences on the loss of your father, this must be such a difficult time for you. I had the same experience when my mum passed away, my dad kept asking for her and every time we told him that she had passed away he was so upset. In the end we just told him that she was tired or some other 'love lie'. We were probably lucky that he was not able to walk to her room which was at the other end of the care home.
It is good that you have paired your mum up with another resident as that will be a good distraction, I am not so sure about the cushion at this stage, that might be a better idea when your mum is more settled.
It might be an idea to try moving your mum to a different room because she will keep wanting to try your dad's room to see if he is there. There is another issue also, eventually the care home will place another resident in your dad's room and your mum might find that even more upsetting.
I hope that this helps a little.

 

[canary]

Hello @LesMis
Im so sorry to hear about your dad. You have had a double whammy, losing your dad and now having the problems with your mum.

Unfortunately, people beyond the early stages of dementia are unable to remember that someone has died, long enough to process it, so that every time they are reminded about the death it is like the very first time they have been told and they are devastated all over again in a never ending cycle.

What you have to do is allow them to forget, which is not easy when you are grieving yourself. Use the same technique of "love lies" as you have been doing with other relatives. When she asks if he is better say - oh yes, hes gone for a walk, or hes at work, or some other explanation of why he isnt there and then offer a cup of tea or cake. I used to keep a packet of mums favourite sweets in my pocket to produce as distraction when needed.

I think moving rooms is a good idea. Where she is at the moment is likely to keep reminding her to look for him, and as @Sarasa says, when someone else is moved into "his" room she will find it very distressing. I would also hide the cushion for now as you dont want to keep reminding her of him. I hope the new chatty friend will take your mums mind off things
xxx

 

[LesMis]

Hello @LesMis Welcome to Dementia Support Forum. My condolences on the loss of your father, this must be such a difficult time for you. I had the same experience when my mum passed away, my dad kept asking for her and every time we told him that she had passed away he was so upset. In the end we just told him that she was tired or some other 'love lie'. We were probably lucky that he was not able to walk to her room which was at the other end of the care home.
It is good that you have paired your mum up with another resident as that will be a good distraction, I am not so sure about the cushion at this stage, that might be a better idea when your mum is more settled.
It might be an idea to try moving your mum to a different room because she will keep wanting to try your dad's room to see if he is there. There is another issue also, eventually the care home will place another resident in your dad's room and your mum might find that even more upsetting.
I hope that this helps a little.

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry you had the same experience. I love the term "love lie" - thank you for that x Yes I think that telling her he's popped out for the papers or something like that will definitely distract her. Yesterday she was saying strange things like "shh, your Dad's hiding round the corner". I asked her why he was hiding and she pointed at the carers as if they were the "enemy".
I'm also dreading how she will cope at the funeral and wondering if it would be better for her not to come, which is hard to think about, but might be for the best

 

[LesMis]

Hello @lesmis
Im so sorry to hear about your dad. You have had a double whammy, losing your dad and now having the problems with your mum.

Unfortunately, people beyond the early stages of dementia are unable to remember that someone has died, long enough to process it, so that every time they are reminded about the death it is like the very first time they have been told and they are devastated all over again in a never ending cycle.

What you have to do is allow them to forget, which is not easy when you are grieving yourself. Use the same technique of "love lies" as you have been doing with other relatives. When she asks if he is better say - oh yes, hes gone for a walk, or hes at work, or some other explanation of why he isnt there and then offer a cup of tea or cake. I used to keep a packet of mums favourite sweets in my pocket to produce as distraction when needed.

I think moving rooms is a good idea. Where she is at the moment is likely to keep reminding her to look for him, and as @Sarasa says, when someone else is moved into "his" room she will find it very distressing. I would also hide the cushion for now as you dont want to keep reminding her of him. I hope the new chatty friend will take your mums mind off things
xxx

Thank you so much for your reply. The same advice is coming through and it does make sense. The cushion does not seem to bother her and she doesn't take much notice of it. It's a very old photo of Dad as a young man and she has the same one in her room, so I think that is ok.
I'm thinking the funeral will not be a good idea. As you say because we are grieving it's hard to not want to talk to her and support her in the way we would have done in this situation, sharing memories etc - but that is our need and not hers now. Very helpful and thoughtful advice - thank you.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry you had the same experience. I love the term "love lie" - thank you for that x Yes I think that telling her he's popped out for the papers or something like that will definitely distract her. Yesterday she was saying strange things like "shh, your Dad's hiding round the corner". I asked her why he was hiding and she pointed at the carers as if they were the "enemy".
I'm also dreading how she will cope at the funeral and wondering if it would be better for her not to come, which is hard to think about, but might be for the best

I do understand what you mean about the funeral, it might upset your mum if she does attend which would make a difficult day for you all even more difficult. A hard decision to make.