I’m new to this site and am at my wits end. My dad is 94 and lives alone with carers visiting 4 times daily and myself everyday. He is very placid and closed down, doesn’t watch tv or listen to the radio and sits in silence all day. He is very incontinent ( urine) and we manage this well during the day but for the past 6 weeks when he is up during the night he has taken to removing his pad and not replacing it. This is resulting in a wet bed everyday and numerous items of underwear sometimes up to 9 pairs of pants, vests etc I just can’t find a solution. I have enquired about waking carers but it’s completely out of budget. I’m his only daughter and I’m beginning to feel desperate, I don’t know when the right time is to put him in a home but feel like im drowning. If he wasn’t wandering at night he could continue to be managed at home quite well so this is my dilemma. Has anyone got any words of wisdom I feel so guilty for even thinking about a home but at the moment I have no life
Sundowning
- Thread starter Littleanna
- Start date
Welcome to the forum @Littleanna.
I’m so sorry to read about your dad. Please don’t feel guilty. It really does sound as if your dad is at the point where a care might be the best move. You can’t give this level of support and care 24/7 at home.
You might find these links useful -
www.alzheimers.org.uk
www.alzheimers.org.uk
I’m so sorry to read about your dad. Please don’t feel guilty. It really does sound as if your dad is at the point where a care might be the best move. You can’t give this level of support and care 24/7 at home.
You might find these links useful -
Assessment for care and support in England
What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Care homes: When is the right time and who decides?
Advice and practical tips for carers on when is the right time for a person to be moved to a care home.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Hello @Littleanna and just a welcome from me too to this friendly and supportive forum.
It's tough on you for sure, and I am so sorry you are having all these difficulties with your Dad. It does sound to me as though the time has come for you to consider residential care. What - you are trying to do and manage is just unsustainable.
The links already sent hopefully will give you lots of information and help. It really is such a hard decision to have to make - I had to do the same for my dear Mum when carer's visiting 4 times a day was not enough, and it was the best decision for her.
You must not feel guilty about thinking about care home accommodation for your Dad. You are doing your best for his best interests and to keep him safe.
It's tough on you for sure, and I am so sorry you are having all these difficulties with your Dad. It does sound to me as though the time has come for you to consider residential care. What - you are trying to do and manage is just unsustainable.
The links already sent hopefully will give you lots of information and help. It really is such a hard decision to have to make - I had to do the same for my dear Mum when carer's visiting 4 times a day was not enough, and it was the best decision for her.
You must not feel guilty about thinking about care home accommodation for your Dad. You are doing your best for his best interests and to keep him safe.
Such a difficult decision for you, but I think that it may be the time to think about residential, for me it’s not just about the wet things, it’s about his mind not be able to understand and he may be very unhappy doing it, and possibly happier with care 24/7. And none of us as family members can give that support without significantly impacting our own health. I haven’t done it yet as my OH hasn’t reached the point where it’s needed but reading everyone’s stories, I think it’s harder for you than your Dad. Good luck.
Thankyou so much for your reply and strangely enough it has really resonated. I have recently started to think about what he feels when he’s wandering at night and whether he’s stressed or not and I’d hate to think of that. I look at him during the day and I think he’s nowhere near ready for a care home but his behaviour at night probably is …. Such a hard decision and unfortunately only I can make it.
I do think it’s a harder decision for me than my dad but I also know that I have to start thinking of myself too. It’s probably going to be such a relief when he finally goes into a care home but it’s about acceptance that I’ve done what I can for him.
OK, I'm going to say it: he's not going to stop doing it and sooner or later there will be faecal incontinence too. Does that make it any easier to decide?
He'd probably benefit from having people around 24/7, to check/ask if he's ok and make him a cuppa. You mention doing everything you can for him - maybe moving him to a care home is the best thing you can do for him. Then you'll be able to visit as his daughter again without all the stress of hands-on caring.
My OH gets quite snippy at his day care and we have put it down to stress, and the problem is that although he has the ability to speak, he can’t put into words how he feels so we never quite know how they feel.
Hi there,
I’m coming to this a little late but hopefully it’s useful.
My dad has vascular dementia, last year his sundowning was a nightmare - whole nights with no sleep, where he wouldn’t settle or even be quiet so that my mum / I could sleep.
We finally got to a place with medication that he’s much calmer at night, and usually sleeps from about 9pm-6am! So perhaps speaking to his GP about possible anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic meds.
Wishing you well x
Hi thanks for your reply, I did ask about medication but because he lives in his own they won’t give it to him as this puts him in a higher falls risk category as it may cause drowsiness
I moved in with my dad on January 1st. I'm the only child. Don't feel guilty about thinking of a care home. The only reason I can cope for now is he sleeps through the night. He also doesn't do anything through the day and would rather sit in a depressed silence but this is something he's done this past 11yrs so it's not his dementia. He's doubly incontinent and drives me nuts with the constant questioning during the evening of "when are we going home" and "I've got to get back for the kids" etc. I have to wear earplugs around him because he picks his nails (there's hardly any left) and I absolutely hate the sound. My partner refuses to move here with me and I only see him at weekends. I can't go anywhere or do anything and I can see absolutely no end in sight. I don't know how long I can go on for so don't feel guilty. If your situation has you feeling desperate, consider a care home. Your dad won't know any different and you can live your life and visit him as a daughter. I've become dad's carer/skivvy, there is no dad/daughter relationship left. I once was asked by a care coordinator "how do you best support your dad", I was furious with her. How dare she! I've given up my life completely and it's killing me slowly. You
do what's best for you and do not feel guilty about your choices x
Wow I applaud you for moving in with your dad, it’s something I’m not willing to do as I know that would be a step too far for me. I don’t have any relationship with my dad anymore and lately all I do is harbour resentment as he just sits in his own little world oblivious…. It’s a nice place to b, such a horrible illness
Have you considered a care home?
