Sometimes, people like your dad, need someone to step in and make the decisions for them. They can get in such a state that they are frozen by their fears and their concerns. The sad thing is though that by not reaching out for the help, the likelihood of a crisis happening increases.
In the circumstances, I think theh following thread applies equally to your mum and your dad.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
I would consider giving your dad a set of choices that can be made about your mum and how best to manage the situation that you are all currently in.
If his greatest fear is losing her to a full time care home, then he has choices he can make to avoid (or delay) this happening. He can choose to agree to regular periods of respite (say one week per month), OR he can choose to have your mum go for day care for X days per week. You will have to be blunt. Those are the choices - no is not an option.
If respite is a preferred option, then again he has choices. He could go too and treat it almost like a week's holiday (you would get a week's holiday too). They could book the week in different homes each time. If they are self funding then that is something they can choose to do.
I also wouldn't let your dad play the blackmail card with you about him choosing to die before your mum has to go anywhere. I would be blunt about that too. I would tell him that he needs to consider her needs too. She needs some professional help to deal with these periods of sundowning. His stance is denying her this opportunity. Yes he might be scared about what is happening, but he surely doesn't want that to happen does he? The person he would die for must also be the person he wants the best for. With professional help, she could stay at home for much longer, which is the very thing he wants to happen.
It might be worthwhile you and your husband sitting down and preparing a list of these choices - keep it short and to the point about why this decision is needed now.
You are right in the new direction you are moving in. I do however feel that your dad is probably waiting for you to have done this so that it takes the burden of decision making away from him.
None of this has to end up being bad for any of you, including your mum. It could be that the solution you all come up with works for everyone and dementia aside, you all get a bit of what you want to see happen.
For the first respite, it might help your dad if you booked him in to have lunch with your mum on a couple of days. He too would then get to see how the place runs for himself. The staff, in turn, would get a chance to know him too and this could help him to see things as being an extention to the family rather than a division.
Everyone is here to support you and help you through this. When you feel you might waiver, we'll remind you of why you are doing things! LOL
Fiona
In the circumstances, I think theh following thread applies equally to your mum and your dad.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
I would consider giving your dad a set of choices that can be made about your mum and how best to manage the situation that you are all currently in.
If his greatest fear is losing her to a full time care home, then he has choices he can make to avoid (or delay) this happening. He can choose to agree to regular periods of respite (say one week per month), OR he can choose to have your mum go for day care for X days per week. You will have to be blunt. Those are the choices - no is not an option.
If respite is a preferred option, then again he has choices. He could go too and treat it almost like a week's holiday (you would get a week's holiday too). They could book the week in different homes each time. If they are self funding then that is something they can choose to do.
I also wouldn't let your dad play the blackmail card with you about him choosing to die before your mum has to go anywhere. I would be blunt about that too. I would tell him that he needs to consider her needs too. She needs some professional help to deal with these periods of sundowning. His stance is denying her this opportunity. Yes he might be scared about what is happening, but he surely doesn't want that to happen does he? The person he would die for must also be the person he wants the best for. With professional help, she could stay at home for much longer, which is the very thing he wants to happen.
It might be worthwhile you and your husband sitting down and preparing a list of these choices - keep it short and to the point about why this decision is needed now.
You are right in the new direction you are moving in. I do however feel that your dad is probably waiting for you to have done this so that it takes the burden of decision making away from him.
None of this has to end up being bad for any of you, including your mum. It could be that the solution you all come up with works for everyone and dementia aside, you all get a bit of what you want to see happen.
For the first respite, it might help your dad if you booked him in to have lunch with your mum on a couple of days. He too would then get to see how the place runs for himself. The staff, in turn, would get a chance to know him too and this could help him to see things as being an extention to the family rather than a division.
Everyone is here to support you and help you through this. When you feel you might waiver, we'll remind you of why you are doing things! LOL
Fiona