Dear Magic
Emotional blackmail is very effective because You are prepared to pay the ransom. Your blackmailers know it, that is why it works every time, and why 'the skanks have the luxury of not even seeing the hell of what's going on daily' And, yes, it is despicable. You are making it very easy for them.
Don't be too hard on the professionals telling you they 'don't know how you do it'. There is a hiddden meaning in what they are trying to say and that is: when you've had enough give us a call. Because as we see it, you so far are not prepared to accept it.
Part of you hates them because you know they are telling a truth you don't want to hear. Consider this: if your lovely Mum was physically ill ONLY, wouldn't she be in a hospital - anything other would be criminal?
Only when I had completely folded (and it was a very frightening place to be) was the whole business taken out of mine and Dad's hands. I still rail at it, still have guilt, anger, tears and am a 5 star pain in the wossname because it is ever-present, but I have to admit (when now somebody puts me on a rack and stretches me beyond endurance with the threat of boiling oil) that, yes, it is less of a worry and stress and there is life after some kind of a death.
I try to make sure that I back up mum's care in conjunction with the nursing home: if anything untoward happens to Mum there will be questions to be answered. Most of the staff absolutely hate me, I don't blame them, but I've heard the odd one or two say well, what would you do if it was your mum? They are the ones I cling to. And don't forget, it's not a prison and you can take her out for a day, weekend, wherever if you want to.
Dad does the same but he plays Mr Fluffy in the home and they all love him, and that's as it should be. She's ten minutes down the road and I can, and do, see her when it suits me. On the way to the shops, for five minutes, or for an hour or so with a picnic of treats I know she loves. I kid myself I'm seeing her in own home and call in as I would do anyway. That's my way of coping.
And you know, really, most of the time it's not as bad as you think. You can't fulfill what I refer to as a 'deathbed promise' when you don't even know anthing about what you're promising. Sometimes you have to listen to those professionals saying 'don't know how you've coped this long' they said it to me and my reply was because of love. But you have to have some time for love yourself.
I think you and your Dad have some serious decisions to make without the emotion: and that's the hardest call of all. But I mean it when I say if it goes on much longer you may find the whole kit and caboodle of decision making taken out of your hands. And for the disapproving relatives? It's not really for them to judge unless they are part of the machinery that makes it tick over every day. At the end of the day you are the one who can face the world, your god, your judges, whatever is your wont, and say: Yes, I did the best I could and I did it with a great heart, love and compassion.
Lotsa, and you know I'm here
Chesca