You might have read my intro - in case not I am just at the 'there is something not right' stage with mum. From my experience there is something wrong with her and I can only guess what at the moment.
My problem is, and forgive me if this becomes a ramble, I haven't even yet mentioned it to the doctor so we are not on the road to discovering the problem and I am finding it so hard to cope with the thoughts and feelings and worries.
I know that there is some form of cognitive impairment with mum its just a case of finding which 'flavour' and 'strength' it is, and without knowing these things speculation is pointless - but yet my mind wonders...
I have no right at this stage to feel those feelings that those of you who have a loved one with a diagnosis feel - or at least thats how I feel sometimes.
Mainly though I feel sad, very sad. My mum has lived a life where she never felt good enough. Self esteem was something she never managed to find much of. She spent all her life looking after people in an effort to feel loved and self worth only to become upset when those she looked after passed away. She has never done much, never gone anywhere much. She has tried hobbies and given them up feeling inadequate. Dad retires in a only 4 years and they have been making plans and this would be the start of them living life instead of just exsisting. Its not a feeling of unfairness I have its just sadness that someone can be so unhappy for a lifetime - maybe realising that is the reason I feel so sad.
I know I could be jumping the gun and who knows there could be a fantastic outcome, but I am being realistic - and just hope for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be. And I do apologise if posting here is not correct - I feel it might be, but at the moment I have nobody to talk to about this. I can discuss it briefly with my sister but not at length. My partner says very little when I talk about it - I think he feels that if he doesnt acknowledge it then it will all blow away.
If you reached this stage thank you for listening - I appreciate it.
Josh
My problem is, and forgive me if this becomes a ramble, I haven't even yet mentioned it to the doctor so we are not on the road to discovering the problem and I am finding it so hard to cope with the thoughts and feelings and worries.
I know that there is some form of cognitive impairment with mum its just a case of finding which 'flavour' and 'strength' it is, and without knowing these things speculation is pointless - but yet my mind wonders...
I have no right at this stage to feel those feelings that those of you who have a loved one with a diagnosis feel - or at least thats how I feel sometimes.
Mainly though I feel sad, very sad. My mum has lived a life where she never felt good enough. Self esteem was something she never managed to find much of. She spent all her life looking after people in an effort to feel loved and self worth only to become upset when those she looked after passed away. She has never done much, never gone anywhere much. She has tried hobbies and given them up feeling inadequate. Dad retires in a only 4 years and they have been making plans and this would be the start of them living life instead of just exsisting. Its not a feeling of unfairness I have its just sadness that someone can be so unhappy for a lifetime - maybe realising that is the reason I feel so sad.
I know I could be jumping the gun and who knows there could be a fantastic outcome, but I am being realistic - and just hope for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be. And I do apologise if posting here is not correct - I feel it might be, but at the moment I have nobody to talk to about this. I can discuss it briefly with my sister but not at length. My partner says very little when I talk about it - I think he feels that if he doesnt acknowledge it then it will all blow away.
If you reached this stage thank you for listening - I appreciate it.
Josh
