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Struggling with other family members.......

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jojohove, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. Jojohove

    Jojohove New member

    Mar 19, 2018
    Hate airing my issues in public but I’m struggling and have had a couple of anxiety attacks and lots of tears. My mum has been diagnosed about a year ago and I’m supporting her with all the Dr appt and falls team. However, she lives at home with my dad who won’t speak to me sensibly (ongoing relationship issues there!). I’m trying to update him and my brother and get no feedback and then when I update my dad he says my mum told him - given she’s confused she’s not giving him right info but he refuses to speak to me. I’m devasted my mum had a fall and he called my brother but no one rang me till about 5 hours later and yet it’s me who took her and made Dr appt. there’s been issues with her meds and she asks me but my dad is showing no interest and ok I get he may be in denial but. How do I cope and support my mum. Sorry long rambling post!
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Jojohove, that's a difficult problem and I hope that members with experience will come along later to advise.

    In the meantime I note that you are hesitant about discussing things on the open forum so, if you would prefer to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line, who can be good, details are as follows

    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
  3. Jojohove

    Jojohove New member

    Mar 19, 2018
    @karokePete that’s really good to know. Thank you.
  4. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Dear Jo,

    I can sympathise with you here as I have a few issues as well but I just wonder whether you're sure that your is not slightly confused as well. I know you may not get on with him but it could be a consideration. Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

  5. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    My first thought on reading your post was that perhaps if your dad is either no absorbing the info properly...forgetting or showing no interest that he too could be showing signs of early dementia.
  6. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    Hi @Jojohove Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you're having external problems with handling this awful illness but, going by what you've said, unfortunately it sounds as if you may need to sit down with your dad and sort out your differences. Perhaps persuade him to 'agree to disagree' for the sake of your mum's health.

    I wouldn't worry about airing your issues on here, everyone does it and it's only done to get to crux of whatever issue that person has. Unless you print your real name and address, no-one will know who you truly are! :)

    All the best to you.
  7. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    I was thinking along these lines too.

  8. KingfisherBlue

    KingfisherBlue New member

    Feb 24, 2019
    Hi @Jojohove,
    Your situation sounds so familiar and I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position.
    I had been concerned about my mum for a while but my dad wouldn't acknowledge that there was a problem.
    My dad had cancer and a heart condition and had to go into hospital to have a pacemaker fitted. I took the opportunity to take her to see her GP and asked for her to be referred to the Memory Clinic, which happened surprisingly quickly to my relief. It felt (and probably seems) underhanded, but I knew she needed help and the earlier the better, for both their sakes. My dad accepted what I'd done but considered that I was meddling and causing trouble and treated me accordingly becoming off-hand and distant with me, as did my brother because he thought that she was simply attention seeking! Neither my brother nor my dad wanted my mum to have any medication but went along to the appointments, Dad talked Mum out of any recommendations of tablets but eventually agreed for her to have Rivastigmine patches (which helped her).
    It wasn't long before my dad's cancer progressed to the point where he was confined to a chair or bed and relying on Mum to be his carer when his formal carers were not there, which was very challenging for them both. Her Alzheimers became worse, she became so aggressive having tantrums whenever a Dr. or any other health professional came to see Dad, she tried to sack his carers and overall made life very difficult.
    It was at this stage that he confided in me that his reluctance to have an official diagnosis for Mum was because he was afraid that "they" would take her away from him!
    This broke my heart.
    I never dreamt that this would ever happen, never mind it would be in his head!
    About 2 weeks before he passed my mum started her course of Memantine, at his request....she changed almost overnight back into the gentle person she had been.
    I know that you're still battling with your dad, I don't know if this has arisen from a situation like this or has been more long term but is there any way that you can have a conversation with him about your mum? Maybe the same thing is going through his head that went through my dad's and needs assurance that she won't be taken away and helping her would be good for them both.
    I apologise for this long post and wish you the very best of luck in everything
  9. Jojohove

    Jojohove New member

    Mar 19, 2018
    My thoughts too! But also we've never had a good relationship and he's trying to use power by not sharing. At least he's now doing the CRISP course so as long as my mum is safe that's all that o
    Thanks. Tried talking to him last year and thought we'd got somewhere but sadly he reverts to type. Our relationship has always had up and downs and quiet periods and then bam he's back to being a bully to me.
  10. Jojohove

    Jojohove New member

    Mar 19, 2018
    Thanks everyone

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