struggling with my emotions

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by teddy123, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    this is my first thread and something i have never done before
    i have read other members threads and found them so helpful
    I'm struggling my darling mum has been in a wonderful care home for almost two years, she was diganosed with dementia 7 years ago she is 75, mum is now in her final stage she has full nursing care since she went into the home ,mum was at home with dad before that she went into another home miles away, had a fall there and went down hill physically very quickly, my brothers and i managed after a fight with social services to get her moved to our home town.
    my mum has a wonderful sense of humour and that is how we have coped with this dreadful illness, by singing and dancing playing mums fav music and DVDs and having lots of fun with her with my three bothers.But she is no longer communicating her eye are closed a lot and she sleeps more, mum is eating less I have tried to keep my emotions suppressed and try to be strong , my dads struggles and i try to support him as much as i can but we have not aways had a good relationship, but I'm finding dealing with dad sometimes overwhelming.
    I'm watching my mum fade away and its getting so hard to visit the tears come more and more I'm sorry if iv rambled on but I'm struggling
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,898
    Female
    Dundee
    Welcome to the forum @teddy123.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. You haven't rambled at all and I hope it has helped to have shared your feelings. I'm sure you'll find lots of help and support from members here, so many of us have been where you are now and understand.

    I understand how you want to stay strong for your dad but I think you need to think of yourself too. Sometimes we just need to give in to our emotions.

    Thinking of you.
     
  3. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    thank you for your kind words
     
  4. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    431
    Male
    Devon
    I too am finding life difficult with my emotions with my wife in a care home and completely distant from me. I’ve learned that what ever you do to be kind to your self (and I mean whatever) is fine No one one else has the right to judge you over this difficult time. My prayer goes out to you in this stage in your life
     
  5. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    hello I'm so sorry to hear about your wife and am sending you my best wishes
    thank you for you advice and kind words I'm so glad i put down how i am feeling it has helped
     
  6. Ziggy Starshine

    Ziggy Starshine Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    9
    Yes you are struggling and you obviously love your mum dearly-sometimes people with dementia can drive a terrible wedge but it seems with you that u still love her dearly. Dementia is the most horrible disease as you say but try and be strong. Yes it seems that she is going into the final stage but sometimes as with my mother-in-law she may rally - it was like being on a roller - coasterI Yes they do go through stages where they sleep a lot and don't really do anything and then suddenly they rally. Take it as it comes and remember YOU and your family are also important! Don't allow your life to be taken away.
     
  7. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    168
    Female
    There are times @teddy123 when its ok the cry, no shame in crying. Crying helps to relieve pressure and tension. Its a safety valve and helps us cope and face another day.
    I wrote this when I was told I couldn't cry. That I had to stop and had to be strong after I visited a person close to me before he passed away. I am strong and didn't see crying at such a time as a weakness.
    I hope you find the strength you need to get through this hard time, and find time to cry.

    BE STRONG
    Is crying weak?
    EMOTIONS
    its normal - not meek
    BE STRONG
    for who? WHY!?
    EMOTIONS
    so bad to cry?
    BE STRONG
    A face A mask
    EMOTIONS
    no - to much to ask
    BE STRONG
    EMOTIONS
    BE STRONG
    BE STRONG
    I'll show you, I'll show you strong
    I'll show you
    to Cry is not wrong
    I AM STRONG
    and head held high
    I'll stand strong
    STRONG AND CRY
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Hi my lovely I wanted you to know you aren’t alone in those feelings. I have had a cold/ flu like symptoms & these past 10 days haven’t been able or dared spread my germs to see Dad.
    My tears are free flowing & I dread visiting.
    I try to be positive but just want this dreadful situation to end now - so that Dads at peace & so is the family.
    Please don’t judge me, I look at the skeletal body of my father & see the pain he’s in & it tears me apart. His heart is strong but everything else is failing.

    I know it will end but cannot see a way through my emotional distress at this moment in time

    sending love & ((((hugs))))
     
  9. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,637
    I don't think anyone would judge you @DesperateofDevon I feel exactly the same, dad is skeletal but thankfully not in pain. I just see a shuffling little shadow almost and I think what is the point. It is the physical change that I find hard, he has shrunk and he is now bent over from using his frame but the heart is strong so on we go in spite of my little prayers asking for peace.

    I think I have the lurgy too

    Big hugs to you.
     
  10. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,278
    Oh darling, never ;ever judge you. It is a terrible ordeal, I know. All my love and thoughts. with love, Geraldinex
     
  11. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    308
    Hey there - no one on here will ever judge you for how you feel. Why do I know that? Because they never judged me when I felt guilty wanting my mother to quietly fall asleep and never wake up. Some even suggested a big stick to whack the guilt monster of my shoulder.

    Your emotions are natural. You want the kindest way out for you dad but feel bad for wanting that. of course we all try and stay strong and positive but we also all have those days when we just want to cry. So cry. It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of your love for your dad.

    Big big hugs xx
     
  12. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    thank you so much for all your support and advice they have helped me so much, i know that you all understand what I'm am feeling and I'm feeling much stronger today
    mum has been more awake and has eaten her breakfast today which is great
    big hugs to you all
     
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Sympathise with the lurgy! 2 weeks & counting!
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Bless you
    I appreciate that
    X
     
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Actually having the lurgy has been a blessing in disguise; I have slept a lot & been eating well & regularly. Hopefully batteries will be recharged soon!

    Haven’t heard from the CH - no surprise so hope Dads ok. I’m not ringing after at the safeguarding meeting it was commented on that I rang regularly when I didn’t visit to see how Dad’s doing & the home found that intrusive!

    So hoping to be germ free this weekend! If not sooner!
     
  16. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    195

    My heart goes out to you @teddy123, I was in that very bleak state and reached out 2 days ago to this amazingly supportive forum. It is truly heartbreaking seeing your loved one disappear before your eyes, how are we to bear it?? . Yet somehow we do. Something in that human spirit pushes us through, but bloody hell it's hard - such a cruel illness. Im glad you've shared and posted how you feel, even that takes courage doesn't it? It's not easy and when I read some replies to my thread this morning I was so moved and had a lump in my throat. It must be something about the sharing, knowing that whilst it's all so bleak something in that knowledge that you aren't alone gives some strength.
    I hope you feel you can post again and share what you are going through. You obviously love your dear mother so much, how lucky is she to have you, I'm sure she will sense that.
    Sending hugs and do look after yourself.
     
  17. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    hello leslyz
    thank you for your reply means a lot
    like you i have been helped and moved by the replies to my thread and I'm so glad i shared how I was feeling ,because the support i received and kind words from others who really understand, has helped me so much and I hope I will be able to help others to
    sending you hugs and please take care
     
  18. CWR

    CWR Registered User

    Mar 17, 2019
    49
    I am typing this through my tears. My mother, whom I lived with and was always close to, is in the final stages. It all happened so quickly; one cold and that was that. I have taken time off work, but they are less than sympathetic. I had a few days away and when I came back there was a letter telling me I was due a meeting due to my being off. I am ok for a while then someone asks me about mum and thats me. I know I am lucky to have had her for so long ( she is 95) but the thought of losing her stilll hurts. I can 100% understand how you feel. I hope you have some people to support you. I have cousins but they are like snow in the Sahara....... My work colleagues have been as helpful as my bosses havent. The main thing to hold onto is that you are not alone. Big hugs!
     
  19. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    195
    @CWR so sorry and sad for you. I really understand that fear of the inevitable loss to come and that deep vulnerability especially when people don't understand or ask about your mum. It's a shame your bosses aren't being more understanding you could do with support not criticism, where is their humanity???
    Of course the thought of losing your mum hurts it is such a difficult time for you. Sending virtual hugs.
     
  20. teddy123

    teddy123 New member

    Nov 4, 2019
    6
    Dear CWR
    so sorry to hear how you are feeling , and awful that you are not getting support form your employeer they should be looking after you ,i have been very lucky my management team and colleques have been so supportive .
    thank you for your lovely words and support and I'm sending bigs hugs to you and your mum takecarex
     

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