We're struggling with the decision as to whether or not to leave an elderly relative in a care home. I'll trying giving you some background information, sorry in advance, it's a little long;
My wife and I have spent the last 15 years being there for her 93 year old grandmother when she's needed us. She has children and other grand-children, but saldy they all live further down the country, or abroad.
As gran has got older, both myself and my wife have increased the amount of help we've been providing. A number of years ago she fell outside and broke her wrist (needed pins putting in), then fell and broker her other wrist, then she fell and broke her pelvis. After that she had a bowel obstruction and required an operation to fix that. Each time it's been us providing gran with the support. Grans had a bad reaction to codene, again, we were there to help.
Since being diagnosed with mixed dimentia we've found that gran is waking up really confused, she doesn't know where she is, she's frightened, etc. Each time we were the ones being called upon to drop our plans to go and see her, to settle her down, arrange for doctors if needed. More recently she's started going outside knocking on neighbours doors looking for help. We get phone calls from her at silly times during the night as she's woke up and thinks it's 3pm rather than 3am. Up until a couple of weeks ago gran had carers going to her home four times a day, and then she had two calls a week where someone would either sit with her, or take her out for a walk. To get her out the house, most days one of us has been going down to take gran for a short stroll. Throughout all of this we've found gran loves to moan, about anything and everything. She moans she doesn't get out, so we make sure she goes out, we arrange for carers to take her out, she still moans she doesn't get out. She complains she doesn't see anyone, even though she has four carer visits per day and either myself, or my wife visit her for at least an hour almost every day. For a long time we did all of her washing because she couldn't open the washer door, but now the carers help which is good. She cooks herselve microwave lunches (she's too impatient to wait for the carers to get there), but many times we find her eating actual frozen meals because she's not cooked it in the oven long enough (she won't use a microwave).
As a result of all of the falls, we felt that gran couldn't go outside on her own in case she fell and broke something else. Her walking had obviously got worse as she got older and we no longer felt she was stable enough on her feet, so for at least 2-3 years she's not being going out on her own. However, a couple of month ago we've started to discover that she's been making a few lone trips out to the library on her own, and as well as that, we think she's been on a really long walk to a cemetary to drop some old flowers off (rather than putting them in the bin). Most of the time she tries to hide these things from us through fear of what we'll say (because when something goes wrong it's us that's left to pick the pieces up). Generally she does and says some crazy things that we just simply can't comprehend or believe.
About two weeks ago we had a call from the carer to say she's arrived at grans and there's a neighbour sat in her living room who says he's had to bring her back home twice. Gran has sensors on her doors which notify a warden when the doors are open before 7:30 in the morning, however it took the wardens an hour to turn up and in that time she'd been out wondering twice and been brought back home by a neighbour who then sat with her for 45 minutes until the morning carer turned up. Gran was extremely confused, was talking to the sofa, talking to the curtains, so obviously my wife had to take most of the day off work. A doctors advised us that for time being gran would be best off in a care home as it wasn't safe for her to be at home on her own, and neither me or my wife were able to stay (we've got a 4 year old of our own to look after). During the confusion she kept threatening to walk in front of a car, or leave the gas on (she doesn't have gas thankfully), and kept asking for a 'pill' (which she regularly does), she actually did strop outside and march down the street in an attempt to go see the priest, with my wife following behind, and she almost walked out infront of a car, so she had to be brought back. Since that day gran has been in a care home just down the road, and she's gradually kind of got back to how she was mentally before the episode. We visit her every day in the home, but we've had days where she has been absolutely horrible to my wife, wishing her dead for leaving her in the home and not taking her back to her own home. All she does is complain, theres no fridge, she can't make her own cups of tea (which she didn't really do at home anyway), she can't go shopping (which she didn't do at home), she can't eat when she wants, they give her too much food, or they don't give her enough food, it's always cold, there's not enough sheets on the bed, and she keeps telling us that she HATES it in there. All of this makes us feel really guilty for even considering to leaving her in there.
Our problem is, now she's in the care home we have started to wonder if that's the best/safest place for her to be. She'd get her meals made and she wouldn't be eating actual frozen meals, she gets cups of tea made for her, there's always someone around so she shouldn't be lonely, which is one of the things she'd complain about when she was at home. When in the home though all she does is sit in her room on her own. When she wakes up in the middle of the night/morning confused, she can't go knocking on peoples doors, and there'll always be someone around to help calm her down. But at the same time she tells us she hates is, and we understand that in being there she does lose even more of her independence in terms of she can't make a drink when she wants, she can't eat when she wants, she can't go out when she wants (which we don't want her doing that anyway). There's been a few nights in the care home after she first went in where she trashed her room, and even got outside, although the doors are alarmed and someone quickly brought her back in. There's been nights where she hasn't gone to bed.
On top of this, there's the stress the last 15 years has placed on myself and mostly my wife, we spend hours and hours each week caring for her gran, getting her pension, sorting her shopping, phoning the doctors, hospitals, carers, social works etc etc. There was a time when we used to enjoy spending time with gran, she was lovely, she'd help anyone, but now she's bitter, twisted, grumpy, depressed, she simply can't be pleased, and as time goes by she requires more and more support, which in itself is understandable given her age, but she appears to only want this support from my wife. If offered we doubt she'd go and live with her daughter, but we know she'd jump at the change to live with us (which just isn't an option).
One of grans daughters works in the social care system, and appears to be keen for her mother to go back to her bungalow, and gran keeps telling us she wants to go back, but at the same time it's us that's having to deal with all of the ****, while grans children and other grandchildren all get on with their lives, without barely a phone call to gran to find out how she is. It's us that's having to deal with the phone calls during the night, us that have to take time off work to sort things out, it's us that has the worry and stress of wondering if grans going to go for a wonder during the night and either get lost or hurt. The social works too seems keen for gran to go home, although we suspect this is for budgeting reasons.
My wife is power of attorney for her gran, and feels as though the decision of leaving gran in a home or bringing her home is soley down to her. She's worried that if she's left in the home, she'd die within a short time and the rest of the family will lay the blame on her for making the decision. But we have similar concerns if gran comes home, what if she gets out of the bungalow? how much more time are we expected to devote to gran, we don't feel we can continue with the level of support we've been providing, let alone increase what we already do. If gran does come home our only solution is to have her locked in her bungalow so she can't get out, but even that only solves a few of the issues we have, she'll still eat frozen food, she'll still leave the electric hob on, she'll still leave plates in the oven for hours and wonder why they crack. She'll still not drink enough, she'll still leave glasses of fresh orange on the bench for days and take small sips out of it and wonder why she gets the splats. There's just a huge sea of concerns that we have, but at the same time we're struggling to decide what is actually best for gran. We know what's best for us, but what is best for us isn't an option, we're just not like that.
We're also both very annoyed that because we're the closest relatives to gran, that we've literally been left to deal with everything on our own, while others down play each situation that occurs and makes us feel like the situation we're in is our own doing. For example, it's been said that my wife shouldn't go visit her gran every day, that's caused a reliance on my wife, but at the same time we can't just leave gran needing support and sitting back and not giving it.
The purpose of all of this, is to attempt get feedback from others that may help us to decide what's best for gran.
My wife and I have spent the last 15 years being there for her 93 year old grandmother when she's needed us. She has children and other grand-children, but saldy they all live further down the country, or abroad.
As gran has got older, both myself and my wife have increased the amount of help we've been providing. A number of years ago she fell outside and broke her wrist (needed pins putting in), then fell and broker her other wrist, then she fell and broke her pelvis. After that she had a bowel obstruction and required an operation to fix that. Each time it's been us providing gran with the support. Grans had a bad reaction to codene, again, we were there to help.
Since being diagnosed with mixed dimentia we've found that gran is waking up really confused, she doesn't know where she is, she's frightened, etc. Each time we were the ones being called upon to drop our plans to go and see her, to settle her down, arrange for doctors if needed. More recently she's started going outside knocking on neighbours doors looking for help. We get phone calls from her at silly times during the night as she's woke up and thinks it's 3pm rather than 3am. Up until a couple of weeks ago gran had carers going to her home four times a day, and then she had two calls a week where someone would either sit with her, or take her out for a walk. To get her out the house, most days one of us has been going down to take gran for a short stroll. Throughout all of this we've found gran loves to moan, about anything and everything. She moans she doesn't get out, so we make sure she goes out, we arrange for carers to take her out, she still moans she doesn't get out. She complains she doesn't see anyone, even though she has four carer visits per day and either myself, or my wife visit her for at least an hour almost every day. For a long time we did all of her washing because she couldn't open the washer door, but now the carers help which is good. She cooks herselve microwave lunches (she's too impatient to wait for the carers to get there), but many times we find her eating actual frozen meals because she's not cooked it in the oven long enough (she won't use a microwave).
As a result of all of the falls, we felt that gran couldn't go outside on her own in case she fell and broke something else. Her walking had obviously got worse as she got older and we no longer felt she was stable enough on her feet, so for at least 2-3 years she's not being going out on her own. However, a couple of month ago we've started to discover that she's been making a few lone trips out to the library on her own, and as well as that, we think she's been on a really long walk to a cemetary to drop some old flowers off (rather than putting them in the bin). Most of the time she tries to hide these things from us through fear of what we'll say (because when something goes wrong it's us that's left to pick the pieces up). Generally she does and says some crazy things that we just simply can't comprehend or believe.
About two weeks ago we had a call from the carer to say she's arrived at grans and there's a neighbour sat in her living room who says he's had to bring her back home twice. Gran has sensors on her doors which notify a warden when the doors are open before 7:30 in the morning, however it took the wardens an hour to turn up and in that time she'd been out wondering twice and been brought back home by a neighbour who then sat with her for 45 minutes until the morning carer turned up. Gran was extremely confused, was talking to the sofa, talking to the curtains, so obviously my wife had to take most of the day off work. A doctors advised us that for time being gran would be best off in a care home as it wasn't safe for her to be at home on her own, and neither me or my wife were able to stay (we've got a 4 year old of our own to look after). During the confusion she kept threatening to walk in front of a car, or leave the gas on (she doesn't have gas thankfully), and kept asking for a 'pill' (which she regularly does), she actually did strop outside and march down the street in an attempt to go see the priest, with my wife following behind, and she almost walked out infront of a car, so she had to be brought back. Since that day gran has been in a care home just down the road, and she's gradually kind of got back to how she was mentally before the episode. We visit her every day in the home, but we've had days where she has been absolutely horrible to my wife, wishing her dead for leaving her in the home and not taking her back to her own home. All she does is complain, theres no fridge, she can't make her own cups of tea (which she didn't really do at home anyway), she can't go shopping (which she didn't do at home), she can't eat when she wants, they give her too much food, or they don't give her enough food, it's always cold, there's not enough sheets on the bed, and she keeps telling us that she HATES it in there. All of this makes us feel really guilty for even considering to leaving her in there.
Our problem is, now she's in the care home we have started to wonder if that's the best/safest place for her to be. She'd get her meals made and she wouldn't be eating actual frozen meals, she gets cups of tea made for her, there's always someone around so she shouldn't be lonely, which is one of the things she'd complain about when she was at home. When in the home though all she does is sit in her room on her own. When she wakes up in the middle of the night/morning confused, she can't go knocking on peoples doors, and there'll always be someone around to help calm her down. But at the same time she tells us she hates is, and we understand that in being there she does lose even more of her independence in terms of she can't make a drink when she wants, she can't eat when she wants, she can't go out when she wants (which we don't want her doing that anyway). There's been a few nights in the care home after she first went in where she trashed her room, and even got outside, although the doors are alarmed and someone quickly brought her back in. There's been nights where she hasn't gone to bed.
On top of this, there's the stress the last 15 years has placed on myself and mostly my wife, we spend hours and hours each week caring for her gran, getting her pension, sorting her shopping, phoning the doctors, hospitals, carers, social works etc etc. There was a time when we used to enjoy spending time with gran, she was lovely, she'd help anyone, but now she's bitter, twisted, grumpy, depressed, she simply can't be pleased, and as time goes by she requires more and more support, which in itself is understandable given her age, but she appears to only want this support from my wife. If offered we doubt she'd go and live with her daughter, but we know she'd jump at the change to live with us (which just isn't an option).
One of grans daughters works in the social care system, and appears to be keen for her mother to go back to her bungalow, and gran keeps telling us she wants to go back, but at the same time it's us that's having to deal with all of the ****, while grans children and other grandchildren all get on with their lives, without barely a phone call to gran to find out how she is. It's us that's having to deal with the phone calls during the night, us that have to take time off work to sort things out, it's us that has the worry and stress of wondering if grans going to go for a wonder during the night and either get lost or hurt. The social works too seems keen for gran to go home, although we suspect this is for budgeting reasons.
My wife is power of attorney for her gran, and feels as though the decision of leaving gran in a home or bringing her home is soley down to her. She's worried that if she's left in the home, she'd die within a short time and the rest of the family will lay the blame on her for making the decision. But we have similar concerns if gran comes home, what if she gets out of the bungalow? how much more time are we expected to devote to gran, we don't feel we can continue with the level of support we've been providing, let alone increase what we already do. If gran does come home our only solution is to have her locked in her bungalow so she can't get out, but even that only solves a few of the issues we have, she'll still eat frozen food, she'll still leave the electric hob on, she'll still leave plates in the oven for hours and wonder why they crack. She'll still not drink enough, she'll still leave glasses of fresh orange on the bench for days and take small sips out of it and wonder why she gets the splats. There's just a huge sea of concerns that we have, but at the same time we're struggling to decide what is actually best for gran. We know what's best for us, but what is best for us isn't an option, we're just not like that.
We're also both very annoyed that because we're the closest relatives to gran, that we've literally been left to deal with everything on our own, while others down play each situation that occurs and makes us feel like the situation we're in is our own doing. For example, it's been said that my wife shouldn't go visit her gran every day, that's caused a reliance on my wife, but at the same time we can't just leave gran needing support and sitting back and not giving it.
The purpose of all of this, is to attempt get feedback from others that may help us to decide what's best for gran.
