1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi.

    I just need to let off some steam.

    We have a number of small jobs which need doing in the house and are lucky enough to have found someone who can do them all. He's working through some of them as I write.

    Mum was aware we needed the jobs doing and she was pleased he was able to do the jobs quickly, but now she is so stressed. She cannot remember we needed anything done, she is unhappy that "he" is in the house and she wants him gone. Sadly the jobs need to be done so calling a halt isn't really an option. To add to this she is so confused, probably because she's stressed, she thinks we have been moving from house to house regularly (the reality is one move in 50 or so years) and that she has been selling lots of houses aside from those she thinks we lived in.

    I know, or at least hope this is a temporary thing, but I'm at my wits end trying to keep her calm. Unfortunately there is no where she could go whilst we get the jobs done. Family are pretty near invisible and she won't go to a friend for a few hours, it's just not what she does. She does not go to daycare and wouldn't because she hasn't really accepted she has any memory problems.

    The other day I calculated I normally get 4 hours free a week (2 slots of 2 hours at church if she will go), plus the occasional coffee out with a friend every few weeks. That equates to less than half an hour free per day. I just think its no wonder I'm not coping as I should, but what can be done when mum won't cooperate with extra activities like daycare. She is very confused, but not so confused that she cannot make up her own mind. I know I can't push her into things she doesn't want to do so we are at stalemate.
     
  2. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    I know what you mean, when I had my new back door my oh went mad he kept saying I had taken is money ,we had discussed it but he had forgot ,I fetched my sister because I thought he was going to hit me he was evil but when my sister told him he had told me to get it he changed and loved it,did your mum have special friend before she became ill Maybe so she might listen to her my oh seems to take more notice of my sister than me,hope this helps,hugs to you it is difficult I know x
     
  3. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi Christmas

    Thank you for the hug. Really needed it!

    Mum won't listen to anyone sadly. She has very few friends, she's always believed in keeping herself to herself. I don't think any of the few friends she has would be happy sticking their heads above the paraphat, it probably wouldn't go well. I do feel sorry for mum, I know its hard as even pre dementia she hated having work done, but if I hear has he finished yet, he's too slow one more time I may go through the roof.

    Consolation is he will be finished fairly soon, I'm hoping tomorrow and then maybe we can both calm down a bit!
     
  4. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    So here we go again. The odd job man is back again working his way through a list of jobs and mum had wound herself up to fever pitch and as a consequence has wound me up too. I know mum cannot help it, but she fails to understand there are no 5 minute jobs. To add to my stress she is imagining that he was here with "an assistant" yesterday. She's getting in a right old tizzy cos he hasn't brought that man again. For starters our odd job man was not here yesterday and he works alone. I know there's no point in trying to reason, but she's getting to the point of being rude to him. He's working hard, but she just doesn't get it.

    I've had to think of a way to improve things. He'll be here all day and we cannot go on like this so I've rung a friend and asked her to ask mum to go out with her, I just hope she'll go with her to give us all a chance to de-stress.

    Its really scary that I cannot reason with mum. She's deteriorated so fast since the start of the year. This time last year she was a bit absent minded, now she doesn't know what the day of the week is and is so aggressive. The GP thinks mum has vascular dementia, but my understanding is that vascular deteriorates in steps, but this seems such a steady and steep decline that I'm not sure what to think.

    Just really needed to moan. Feel better for writing it down!
     

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