Still lost!

[lexy]

Hello Grouse

I suppose I know there is nothing I can do that will bring my mum back, I miss her very much all the time, you don't stop loving someone just because they are gone, but she is and over time and as each day without her goes on I think you begin to adjust to your life without your mum. I still do have a terrible emptiness, whether this will ever go away only time will tell. I still have "chats" with my mum and always feel she is close to me. I look at photo's of her and stroke her face (in the photo I mean) I do have some days when I feel a longing to be able to hold her hand or tell her I love her, but I only have the photo of her so I say it to that, sounds daft but I don't know what else to do. How can I fill the void of losing my mum, I can't, the void will always be there, I know that, you only have one mum and I loved her very deeply, she can't be replaced, and in time you accept this because there is no other choice.

Your'e right, the emptiness does "kill" you and time is the only thing we have to help us. I have been without my mum four years, I don't feel the same intense pain as when she first died, the pain is still there inside me and may always be, it is just not as intense. I know how you feel but as I have said to Carabosse your mum dying is major trauma in your life, try and take each day as it comes, I know from my own experience there will be many bad days ahead but this will not last forever.

I still have some of my mum's clothes, I can't take them to the charity shop, I've tried but I just take them all out of the box, give them a "cuddle" and put them back in the box again!

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better but only time will do this for you.

Thinking of you

Lexy

P.S Please don't apologise, you can "butt in" as you put it if you feel the need

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

It's strange you should say your mum did not take milk, neither did my mum, she hated it and always had lemon tea.

Have you managed to get an appointment with Cruse yet? I know talking won't instantly make the pain go away but it does help to share this burden.

I have heard other people say that their loved one's have literally disintegrated before their eyes when they were close to dying. It was sad watching my mum's body slowly shutting down but she was suffering and no longer had any kind of life, I wanted God to take her in his arms and find her somewhere warm and quiet, and he did.

I felt very strange when I was looking at my mum just after she had died, I felt completely numb, the situation did not seem real, but this was the first time in a few years that I was seeing my mum in a peaceful state and for that I was glad for her. I expect you may have felt the same, our mum's suffering had ended and ours was just beginning.


Be kind to yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

As I have said before Grouse you are more than welcome to join in this discussion. Like you I am finding the loss of my mum difficult to deal with, I keep thinking I hear her at night but more than likely its the house cooling down, its the same during the day when I think I have to do this for mum then realize she is no longer with me and never will be again. Then when the night comes there is too much time to think of how things were and what I should have done, then the tears start again as anything during the day can set me off.
I was looking at all of mums clothes thinking she will never wear any of them again, I will probably go through them and see if any of them will fit me, she had really nice clothes not the usual elderly look if you get my drift. I have tried smelling some of them to see if I can get the smell of mum, but so far none of them have her scent.

We used to drink milk but when we became pescatarian that stopped and was replaced by soya milk and before everyone asks we adopted this life style years and years before she developed Alzheimer's, so mum wasn't forced to follow the diet we did. I repeatedly told the nursing staff about the milk but like most things I may as well have bashed my head against a brick wall, their excuse was that mum asked for it so they gave her it, she was confused so I doubt she would remember she didn't take it, I am sure the introduction of milk to her stomach after many years without it didn't help and may have explained a few of the diahorrea episodes.

No I haven't talked to them yet, I will do don't worry.

Mum's body wasn't shutting down as the blood tests she had showed it wasn't, it was her heart that gave in nothing to do with the Alzheimer's either. She lost weight due to being stuck in bed no movement except to go to the bathroom even with that they decided to use a hoist she had one dodgy episode on her feet and they start hoisting her, no physiotherapy to keep her muscles in working order, stuck in a room all day without TV or radio she was bored stiff!
I wouldn't like to think my mum was suffering, yes the Alzheimer's was starting to take hold but as I said before it was her heart that gave in, she had lower extremity oedema as it was the right side of her heart that was affected. Although mum has had oedema on and off for years I doubt this last time she understood why she had more fluid than usual or why it wouldn't go away as it usually did, she would have had some discomfort but hopefully not that much. I somehow think mum would have thought she would get over this episode with the oedema just like she has done many times before, as did I as I had been through it many times before.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

If you are anything like me you won't be able part with any of your mum's clothes just yet, each item, I expect will hold a memory for you. I have a friend who said his mum's clothes are up in the loft and have been there ten years! He says he can't part with them. My mum didn't wear "old style" clothes either, I used to choose quite a lot of her clothes for her, I knew exactly what she liked.

I'm sorry your mum had heart trouble, my dad did aswell, he had a massive heart attack when he was 53 and died four days later but he did not suffer long term illness.

I know what you mean about bashing your head about the milk situation, I was always telling people that my mum did not drink milk and did begin to think I was talking to a brick wall!

My mum lost weight when she went into a home, not because she wasn't eating but she was not mobile and sitting around in a chair an older person's muscles start to waste away if they are not being used. My mum had to use a hoist and she did not like it, she was frightened and could probably be heard shouting some distance away!
My mums dementia sadly made her aggressive on personal intervention, she punched one of the carer's, your mum does not sound as if she got to this stage with Alzheimers? It's horrible to see this happening to someone you love. I would be bored stiff stuck in a room with no TV or radio, was that in the hospital?

I won't ask you if you are feeling a bit better because I think I already know the answer to that one, but like I have said before, these feelings you have right now will gradually begin to be less severe.

Have you managed to do the garden or is your back hurting?

It's a lovely sunny day where I am but this sort of weather just makes me wish I was going somewhere with my mum. Did you have days out with your mum?

Look after yourself


Lexy

 

[Pinkie123]

Mom gone

Hi there my mom died 2 weeks ago and funeral was yesterday. Her favourite colour
Was green and she worked with horses, so we had horse drawn hearse with green
Plumes on horses. The last I saw of her was in hospital and she fell asleep, still alive.
I saw the coffin and picked out the clothes for her , but my brain isn't catching
Up with my eyes. I still think she is alive in hospital and asleep.
I know she is dead but I can't believe I won't see her again. Just feel
Confused. She didn't want to be hurried as she was claustrophobic ! Made
Me smile. I suppose this is normal but wonder when my brain will catch up?

 

[Carabosse]

At the time when mum passed I did say to the hospital I might give them some of her pj's, but now I'm thinking why should I, I know I probably won't be able to wear them but I haven't tried them on, its just the though of someone else wearing my mums clothes! I have a couple of those big plastic boxes but I think I will need more but i'll put them in there, wow, ten years so we are not the only ones who are keeping everything of our mums. I bought mums clothes even before she had Alzheimer's, she would pick out what she wanted and i'ld get them, we used the same place and would usually get a discount, I went in past and told them that mum had passed he gave me a hug I haven't been back to see the wife might do some day.

Mum had her big MI the day before Princess Diana passed, its like where were you on that day hence I remember it, but to look at mum you wouldn't think she had any heart problems she went about as usual and still did her garden and her best friends one as well.

I have said this to a few people and probably mentioned it on here as well a few times so if I repeat myself you'll just have to put up with it! I feel that when a person gets to a certain age the medical profession give up, its a case of why bother going all out to do something when it probably won't work. I do not see the difference between trying to save an elderly persons life and that of a newborn, or any age in between.
As I have said to one or two Dr's (not my own) that if one lot of drugs doesn't work then you try others as you would for anyone else, medicine is not an exact science.
As for the milk thing it was one of many things I had to remind the staff about, now they take detailed notes, everything you say to them they will write down in their folders (so be careful what you say to them) and they talk to each other about patients, so why is it so difficult for them to remember basic instructions?
I don't think mum liked the hoist either and I'm sure that is why they started to sedate her a bit as they would say she was getting agitated, wonder why, because she didn't like the dam hoist!

I managed to get the kale planted and another 2 rows of potatoes but it must be comical to see me trying to put things in when I can hardly move, but I need to keep trying as I don't want to seize up.

Its sunny today, I have an appointment, then I'm going up to the cemetery and when I get back if the weather is still ok i'll try and plant the leeks and onions!
Used to go to a seaside town with mum to get out fish and just spend the day looking around, would usually end up buying her another meerkat to go with her collection. There were other places we would go, but I think she liked the seaside place more. Even when we were just at home we would go down town and do our shopping and have coffee out or sometimes lunch, I miss that not much fun having coffee on your own.

Seem to be getting more headaches/ migraines recently, not sure if its due to the atmospherics playing up or the way I am feeling, or both?

Hi Pinkie, sorry to hear about your mum.

 

[lexy]

Hello Pinkie123

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, you can always talk to us if you feel the need.


Lexy

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

One of the times I really miss my mum is going for a coffee with her, you're right, it is not the same on your own.

I know what you mean, I don't think the medical profession value an older person's life as much as a younger person, one said to me, "people get old and they die" I was irritated by this remark."

I'm glad your getting outside and managing to do some gardening, home grown veg is much better than the supermarket stuff which doesn't seem to taste like the veg my dad grew.

When my mum was in hospital they never seemed to have any staff at the weekends, I don't think they know much about dementia either. I went in to see her one weekend and she was sat on a chair, she did not seem to have a pad on, she was doubly incontinent and she was like a block of ice, I had to put some socks on for her and get her a blanket, why they cannot manage such basic things I will never know.
Sadly, today I think it is all about ticking boxes , filling in forms and covering their own backs! Although having said all that when I took my mum home the smaller hospital she was in, where everyone knew everyone else and I knew some of the staff it was so different and it was in a part of the country where nobody hurries, they used to let me go in at lunchtimes and feed my mum and it was very different to a larger hospital.

Still no counselling?


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Kassy feel free to join in whenever you want. My mum was a different mum with Alzheimer's as well and like you I became very protective of her even more than before, I felt I had to as she had looked after and protected me when I was growing up, even as an adult she was there for me so it was only fair that I looked after her. Also she wasn't able to fight her own battles, she would agree to anything even though it wasn't in her best interest so I had to be there for her, pity I won't have anyone to do the same for me.
In a way I'm glad I'm not married as I would probably be divorced by now as I would have spent all my time with mum seeing to her needs. I have friends here on TP but only one I can count on in real life, so friends don't exist for me.
I don't like the sunshine that much at the best of times, I will put up with it for getting my vitamin D otherwise give me the ice and cold anytime.

I would probably break down and start crying in the middle of the coffee shop if I went in and had coffee on my own, then everyone would think there was something wrong with me!
Some of the medical profession really need a kick up the backside as far as their thinking goes especially where the elderly is concerned, some are pretty good and work their little cotton socks off whilst others don't seem to be bothered with a couldn't care less attitude or like you were told 'people get old then pass away', well young people do as well so that's deflated their thinking.
One day when I was visiting mum there were only 4 staff members on, two auxiliaries and two staff nurses, no where near enough staff. I made a comment about it being like the Marie Celeste, i.e. quiet, only to be told that there was only 4 of them on, its not a big hospital (a cottage style one) but if they had two emergencies that's the staff nurses occupied what would have happened if there were any more?
It makes you wonder what goes on when you are not there, do they actually bother or just leave someone alone because they are not complying to their requests? There was one time when mum couldn't lift her cup or beaker, did they keep popping in to give her a drink or did they leave her as when I went in I made sure she drank something and she was really thirsty, so it made me wonder!
I often thought the staff saw me as a pain in the rear end, I would tell them when mum was in pain only to be told that mum never told them, I told them she didn't know how to tell them or was afraid to it was like they didn't take me seriously or thought I was making it up, as if to what end? I think because I have studied Medicine and knew what to ask for or suggest they maybe thought I was interfering, but as I have said many times and i'll keep saying it until I'm blue in the face I really didn't care it was my mum and I would have done anything for her so what if I caused a few waves?
Err no, still no counselling, I will call them. Mums best friend is really depressed so I called the duty Dr who has made an appointment for her tomorrow so I'm going with her, she lost some blood the other day when at a clinic getting checked over so I think she might be slightly anaemic due to the blood loss. So calling the counselling will have to wait until the end of the week beginning of next, but I will call them.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I like the sun as long as it is not too hot and today I went to see a friend of mine in a different town and had all the wrong clothes on! I was still dressed for colder weather and it got hot, very hot!! I get very agitated in the heat and somehow feel slightly depressed, I know I shouldn't but somehow it seems to make me miss my mum even more when I think of all the places I could have taken her in the sunny weather.

I have one or two close friends, I am very "picky" and would rather see the people I really like and have something in common with than people I can't relate to. Although it is very difficult finding anyone (apart from on TP) that wants to talk about dementia/AD.

I often get tears in my eyes when I am having a coffee on my own, I always wish my mum was sitting opposite me, but she isn't.

I was talking to a young man on the train on the way home, he did not seem well and he told me he was coming to the town where I live for rehab, for PTSD, he had been fighting in Afghanistan and said his head was so mixed up, so it is not just dementia that messes up our heads.

How is your mum's friend, at her age this must also be very difficult time for her, hopefully you can support each other a little.

I shouldn't worry about making a few waves when you were looking after your mum, you had her best interests at heart, I don't know about making waves, I nearly caused a tsunami! just fighting my mum's corner because she couldn't.

I think sometimes the medical profession sometimes see someone as an illness and not a person but I think they are probably under a lot of pressure.

Are you any further along the tunnel, even perhaps just a little bit or not?

Hope your back is not too painful.

Look after yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

As I have said many times on TP I don't like the sun, the colder it is, the more ice and snow there is the happier I am. I put up with the sun for Vitamin D that's about it, I have sun factor 50 on when going out and always seem to be too hot even though I'm sitting still and as for trying to sleep, forget it we will be back to the duvet on duvet off routine again.
I know what you mean about taking your mum places in the summer, same here, we would be going to different towns shopping having coffee together, we had so many plans of places to go but we never got around to it. Also it would be mum doing the garden and not me, as she was the one with green fingers.

My back is still sore and its murder turning in bed, so not getting much sleep. I'm off to the physio again this morning, so see how things go.

I was with mums friend when she was at the Dr's, she wanted me in with her. She has depression but there seems to be other things going on so she had some tests done, we go back to the Dr to get the results next week. She told the Dr she fell a couple of days ago which I didn't know about, so she is a bit sore.

At the time I was worried as I didn't want to make things harder for mum, you know I make a fuss they take it out on mum (doubt they would but you never know), but I soon got over that and thought its my mum if the situation were reversed she would be doing everything for me so I would do the same for her. It really upset me when the head nurse told me I was upsetting some of her staff because I was giving the impression not enough was being done, I thought how dare she, how would she act if it were her mum would she just go by everything the medical profession were saying as gospel and not do anything, I doubt it, I doubt anyone would in that situation, I sure a heck wasn't going to take it that what they said was the only course of action!

The fact we don't get taught about death at Med school doesn't help, we are told our aim is to save lives we are not told how to handle death or approach relatives on the subject, personally I think that needs to change and sooner rather than later.
I think its the mind frame of the Dr's that see a person at the end of their life and its a case of why bother, not all are like that there are some who will try but the vast majority are it will do no good, why if you don't try it?

Ah the tunnel, no I have not moved any (yet).

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I can sense that you are angry with the hospital and staff where your mum was. They don't seem to like it if we maybe complain or are simply not happy about something. My mum was kept in hospital while waiting for a hospital bed, hoist and sling, pressure mattress, she had recovered from the UTI she had and did not need to be there, I was desperate to get her out of the hospital because of all the infections elderly people get in there, she ended up getting MRSA in her hand so I was not pleased.

You need to find a way to release your anger, because you may feel this towards almost anything or anyone and if you don't get it out of your system it will make you feel worse, anger is one of the things that goes with grief. I know how angry I felt, most of it was at the dementia and what it had done to my mum, hence the beating up of pillows, the pillow was the dementia and needed to be destroyed.

It seems odd that medical students are not taught about death, they see enough of it in their job, perhaps that will change eventually, although some doctors simply have a nicer manner than others. It seems sad to me that in this country so little value is put on the life of an elderly person by some, but not all. When I got my mum's care plan they were referring to her as a "service user", damn rude and insensitive if you ask me and I told them so.

It has been hot and sunny where I am, I thought if it is like this where you are you're probably not too pleased, I go and stand down by the very cold section in the supermarket to cool off if I get too hot!

Hope your mum's friend is okay, she sounds a bit poorly.

I think as far as the tunnel is concerned, I would think you are not at the beginning, maybe a little way along, not far though and you will eventually start to see a very very small light, probably the size of a pin, is that about right?

Be kind to yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

To a certain extent I am, I think they could have done more, coaxed her to do things for herself rather than assuming she couldn't do it as the Alzheimer's wasn't as bad as some of the nurses say it was. Even at home I would get mum to try and do things for herself, she would say she couldn't do it or didn't know how, I would say have a go and she would manage it no problem well she might be a bit slow with buttons but she manage, I feel because they had other patients they couldn't be bothered to take the time with mum as they would another patient (if you get my drift).
I don't think some of the staff liked their authority being undermined or going over them direct to my Dr, which is what I did if I wasn't happy. I started by asking the nurses if x or y could be done and I kept getting a no there is no point, so I asked my Dr and the answer was very different, so again it makes me wonder how they were with mum when I wasn't there?
Mum had an infection in her urine with a whole hoard of bugs that made her contaminated so she was put into a room on her own, but they took her to the main dining room with the other patients for lunch, does something not seem wrong there?! I wonder if they decided to use the infection as a rouse to move mum into a single room where she could be 'managed' more easily?

Never actually thought of beating up my pillows, my ideal way would be to get a stack of plates or something and start smashing them, but then that's a waste of plates unless I would be at a Greek wedding. Had thought of hitting that idiot Dr but I would be on an assault charge, so that idea is out

I had one lecture on the subject, 3 hours if I remember right, not long enough. Since we are told to save lives when end of life comes some panic as they haven't had lectures or heaps of notes on the subject, therefore they don't know how to behave around a patient or their relatives.
I never got to see mums care plan, I saw the first one by accident it was sent to me by the old sw the amount of lies it contained was unbelievable, the sw that replaced the old one said she was busy putting the new plan together but it never materialised. I never even had a card or email, nothing from her or any of the team when mum passed.

If I stood around the freezers in the supermarket I think I would be escorted out of the place and banned from coming back, so you'll have to think of something better.

At the moment there is no pin prick or any kind of light up ahead, everything is still dark. I am worried about mums friend, hopefully the bloods will shed some light on what's going on, also she is seeing my Dr next week so i'll be able to chat to him better.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I always think it is best to try and encourage someone with dementia/Ad to do as much as they can for themselves, this needs patience and takes time and in hospital they probably haven't got the time. I used to let my mum eat some food with her fingers because it was the last little bit of independence she had. I would also try to get her to wash her face, I'm sure nobody with dementia wants to feel helpless and is probably depressed sometimes, (my mum was) because they can no longer do things for themselves. You naturally wanted the staff to treat your mum the way you did and understandably would be bothered when they didn't.

I wouldn't hit the doctor, not a good idea, I know you will find your own ways to vent your anger.

I never heard anything from anyone, the so called professionals when my mum died, I am pretty sure they would have been glad to see the back of me!

I am sorry you are still in the dark place, you'll find your way out in your own time, I hoped you might have seen a "small dot of light" as I know how bad I felt when I was in your situation and don't like to think of you or anyone going through this dreadful time. I am out of the tunnel and alive, just, but not the same person I was, and never will be.

Look after yourself



Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

The hospital probably didn't have time, but it is a cottage style one which has a lot of elderly people as patients, there are not that many beds but surely the auxiliaries could spend more time with them?
It is so easy to jump in and do things for the person suffering from any form of Dementia, but that does no one any good as the sufferer will end up saying they can't do something as they know someone will do it for them. I think that's what happened with mum when she came back from respite, as before she went (she was only away for a week) she could dress herself without a problem, yet when she came home it she couldn't do buttons and had problems with a few other items, I suspect they were dressing her rather than letting her do it herself.
That's true I expected the hospital staff and respite place to treat mum as I would or at least how they expected their own mum to be treated, I mean I was entrusting them with the care of my mum the most precious thing in my life so when things didn't go right I let them know!

As much as I wanted to, or at thought of hitting the Dr I wouldn't, I would love to have told him he needs to work on his bedside manner, but I somehow think he knows that as I told the nurses and my own Dr so it must have filtered down to him. As for venting my anger I haven't figured out a way yet.

Ha, that's probably what the sw thought of me, i.e. glad to see the back of me, only mums CPN was there, she came to the funeral and has been to see me since.

I think because I'm not feeling too good and with everything else that's going on I'm not anywhere near coming out of the dark world I'm in right now, and I know I'm not the same person as I was before and I know I never will be even 'if' or 'when' I come 'into the light'.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

It's hot and sunny where I live, I thought about you saying you liked the ice and snow so I hope its not the same where you are!

I know that when our loved ones go into care homes or hospitals, they are unlikely to receive that one to one care that we can give them, and because, you, like me knew our mum's so well, their likes and dislikes and their personality we could probably care for them in a more appropriate way. Knowing a person makes a big difference that's why I always think continuity of care is so important, sadly it is not that easy to find smaller homes who tend to keep the same staff. Sometimes some of the carer's my mum had, (she had to have two) would talk to each other when they were washing her as if she was not there, I asked them never to do this as it showed complete lack of respect for my mum.

How is your mum's friend, I hope she gets better although 89 is a very good age so I expect she will have a few health issues.

Have you seen the cat again?

I will leave you in your dark place for the moment if that's where you feel you need to be.


Take care

Lexy

 

[cragmaid]

My Mum manages to eat a half a slice of toast un-aided. She cannot eat her lunch or dinner without help. She'll say she is hungry but after two or three mouthfuls she gives up .Hunger = food = effort. She can't be bothered to dress herself, she can't always be bothered to let the carers help so yesterday was a pyjamas day but she doesn't realise that she is not dressed . She'll drink some of a cup of tea if constantly prompted. She gets thirsty and will drink her fizzy flavoured water from her sippy cups, but she doesn't associate drinking with quenching thirst.
All of these skills she learned as a small child, and slowly or rapidly she is losing them again. She is not losing them because somebody helped her cut up her dinner, nor because someone stirred her tea or ran her bath; she is losing them because Dementia has taken them from her. One day she could do these things and one day she could not.....and there were a lot of days in between where,with help from us all, she muddled through.

You are in a dark place at the moment. Have you seen or spoken to someone about bereavement couselling? I think that, with time and the right support, you will find the light again. It's there for you, when you are ready.....but you will have to look for it too.

Love Maureen.x.

 

[Carabosse]

No, its been windy and looked like rain but none has come as yet, we never even got more than 1 day of snow last winter despite the experts saying we were going to have heaps of the stuff, maybe this winter?

With the money the care homes charge you would think the service they provide would be better, I mean would those that work there show the same level of care if it were their own loved ones staying there I somehow think the standard would go up, so why can't that be the same for everyone?
I knew my mum inside and out but getting the hospital or respite place to listen or believe me was difficult, I knew when she was in pain but because mum didn't mention it to anyone else (she didn't want to be a bother) they thought I was making it up. Its like they don't listen and they wonder why people are scared of going into a home or hospital!

Cragmaid, thank you for telling me how things are with your mum, but my mum could do certain things for herself when at home but when she went to respite, etc. I feel that they never gave her enough time or encouragement to do them (despite being asked to), I think she was a bit slow for some so they jumped in and did things for her, hence when she came home she said she couldn't do something. It had nothing to do with her Alzheimer's getting worse it was people not giving her a chance to do it herself, she hadn't forgotten how to do something as a day or two after she was home she would be back to her 'normal' self and doing everything she said she couldn't. Yes she needed help with a couple of things and yes her Alzheimer's would probably have gotten worse and she would have forgotten how to do things, but if a person can do something it doesn't matter how slow they are they should be allowed to do it themselves without others jumping in due to them not fitting into the time frame allotted.

I went round to see mums friend today, she said that everything seems to have stemmed from mum passing, it was a shock and that she was fine before then. I made some soup the other day and took some round for her, I would do that anyway when I made soup I would make extra. At least I know she is eating something as she did tell me she had been eating sandwiches which are ok for a day or two, but not all the time. I will be with her at the Dr later in the week so hoping her bloods come back ok.

No, I haven't seen the cat, hope its ok the weather hasn't been so good so its probably hiding somewhere?

I'll be fine in my dark tunnel (for now), I still have to see about counselling but have put it on hold until I know mums friend is ok.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

You are right, you knew your mum better than anyone else (aswell as your dad) you were the one who was with her 24/7 caring for her. If your mum had lived longer I expect the Alzheimers would have slowly taken more of her away from you. I had to ask for pain killing patches for my mum because of back problems and she would not take her medication, the care home did not bother despite being told of all her health problems.

Your mum's friend must be terribly upset over the passing of your mum and at 89 years old this shock will have probably made her feel ill. It is good of you to try and make sure she eats and so must you if you can.

I know you are probably depressed but just remember, it is your grief and you have to deal with it in your own time and in your own way. I can't tell you how to grieve I only know how I felt and how long it took me (and is still taking me) to come to terms with my mum's death. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, as I have said to you before, grieve the way that is best for you, it will take as long as it takes. If people expect you to be feeling okay after just a few months ignore them, they have obviously not had this painful experience.

Have you smashed any plates yet?

Just take it slowly.

Lexy