Step backwards?

[Skylark/2]

Hello everyone,

I haven’t posted for a few days, thinking my O.H was showing ‘ improvement’ because of his new meds .
on Thursday we had a visit from our financial advisor, a chap we’ve known for 15 years. All went well until he asked if we wanted him to let our sons know the relevant information that had been discussed. No said my O.H and when we were alone he commented that our sons were unsavoury characters who were in it for what they could get! 100% not true. I bit my lip and didn’t reply.
Today my O.H asked if I was going to have an affair with our advisor. I am 77 , advisor in his 40’s happily married! This is because he noticed the advisor spoke to me and not to my O.H, again not true! OH also thinks advisor is not trustworthy and has other motives.
My O.H demanded I phone our advisor and request another meeting ( ignored that it was a weekend and so would be unavailable) and when I refused , he searched and found a phone number, rang it and left a very garbled message! I have had to send a very apologetic, embarrassed email saying please ignore phone call!
Still feeling upset and stupid for pinning my hopes on the new meds. Memantine, a antipsychotic and Diazepam to help with sleeplessness.

 

[canary]

Hello @Skylark/2

Im guessing that actually the problem is that your OH was no longer able to follow what your financial advisor was talking to him about. He felt inadequate and then confabulated a whole load of stuff to "explain" in his own mind why he felt aggrieved.

I have learned over time not to involve my OH in complex things and to avoid those discussions that I know will set him off. Im sure you want to involve your OH in these sort of decisions, but there comes a time when it gets beyond them.

 

[Skylark/2]

Hi @canary .
I agree with you. O.H use to run his own business and still prides himself on his numeracy, Sadly his understanding is slipping away, something he fails to recognise.
I received an email yesterday evening from the financial advisor. He totally understood what was happening as his father also has Alzheimer’s, told me not to worry, he’s here to support and happy to speak even at weekends, unless he’s watching his sons playing footy! Such. Relief.

 

[Lawson58]

OH got very frustrated when he couldn’t log on to our bank account as he got very confused. So then it was the usual things, that I was stealing his money, that I was hiding things from him and on and on it went.

It took a while but now he doesn’t even seem to think about it since I never discuss it with him.

 

[maisiecat]

Hello everyone,

I haven’t posted for a few days, thinking my O.H was showing ‘ improvement’ because of his new meds .
on Thursday we had a visit from our financial advisor, a chap we’ve known for 15 years. All went well until he asked if we wanted him to let our sons know the relevant information that had been discussed. No said my O.H and when we were alone he commented that our sons were unsavoury characters who were in it for what they could get! 100% not true. I bit my lip and didn’t reply.
Today my O.H asked if I was going to have an affair with our advisor. I am 77 , advisor in his 40’s happily married! This is because he noticed the advisor spoke to me and not to my O.H, again not true! OH also thinks advisor is not trustworthy and has other motives.
My O.H demanded I phone our advisor and request another meeting ( ignored that it was a weekend and so would be unavailable) and when I refused , he searched and found a phone number, rang it and left a very garbled message! I have had to send a very apologetic, embarrassed email saying please ignore phone call!
Still feeling upset and stupid for pinning my hopes on the new meds. Memantine, a antipsychotic and Diazepam to help with sleeplessness.

Hi @Skylark/2 , please try not to feel embarassed or stupid about your meeting. I actually found that people who came to the house to do jobs or for meetings very quickly assessed my husband's capacity. It always seemed sad that the medical professionals lacked that ability.
The medication helps but it can't repair the massive damage to their brains. I found as soon as Pete felt out of his depth he would be aggressive and they are best kept out of complex discussions.
I think the affair thing is because they are not orientated in time so often they think they and you are much younger than you are.
I hope things settle down again and be very careful with the aggression. Leave if you have to to be safe just to let him cool off.

 

[Kath610]

Hello everyone,

I haven’t posted for a few days, thinking my O.H was showing ‘ improvement’ because of his new meds .
on Thursday we had a visit from our financial advisor, a chap we’ve known for 15 years. All went well until he asked if we wanted him to let our sons know the relevant information that had been discussed. No said my O.H and when we were alone he commented that our sons were unsavoury characters who were in it for what they could get! 100% not true. I bit my lip and didn’t reply.
Today my O.H asked if I was going to have an affair with our advisor. I am 77 , advisor in his 40’s happily married! This is because he noticed the advisor spoke to me and not to my O.H, again not true! OH also thinks advisor is not trustworthy and has other motives.
My O.H demanded I phone our advisor and request another meeting ( ignored that it was a weekend and so would be unavailable) and when I refused , he searched and found a phone number, rang it and left a very garbled message! I have had to send a very apologetic, embarrassed email saying please ignore phone call!
Still feeling upset and stupid for pinning my hopes on the new meds. Memantine, a antipsychotic and Diazepam to help with sleeplessness.

Hello @Skylark/2 I am in the same position as you. My husband’s meds have been changed from Donepezil to Memantine and I thought things were going well - less aggression and furious outbursts - but after a couple of potentially violent episodes where I had to leave the house, I called Adult Social Care and DIST and told them all about it. They responded and now Risperidone has been added to the medication, supposedly to control the nightly wandering and anger. so far, not a lot of difference! My husband used to be a senior project manager and often thinks he still is on site, wandering around the house criticising the “work” being done - there isn’t any.
Like your husband, I’m accused of having affairs, called very nasty names and verbally abused. My husband has nothing good to say about our children, grandchildren and my Mum - who are all supportive to us both. He comes out with all this nastiness then forgets - when I remind him what he said, he denies it completely. The joys of dementia.
Keep a record of it all and let the various organisations know. We are at the point now where a respite stay in a care home is being actioned - it can’t happen soon enough for me and I have made it very clear that I want it to lead to a permanent placement. I have emailed very detailed reports (so I have a copy) to all the relevant people
Very best wishes

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you all for replying, offering support and advice.
@ Kath610, I identify with most of what you are saying. Ithink/hope the Memantine plus the antipsychotic tablets are starting to work. The aggression, verbal and starting physical abuse is not so bad but the suspicion about money in particular is still there. Also the shadowing ( he even stands outside the bathroom sometime waiting for me) and needing me to go to bed earlier and earlier are making me feel suffocated! Most of the time he no longer recognises me but thinks I work for the NHS and SS.
At the suggestion of yourself and others I now keep a record and on New Years Eve ( his last angry episode ) he made me write down a ‘confession’ , sign it and go and give it to our neighbours! Fortunately they were out, so I put the paper in my pocket and have kept it along with other papers.
I could write a book ( as could all of us ) on the daily trials and tribulations of caring for our loved ones…..but not today!
I am almost at the same stage as yourself, seriously considering respite care for my own mental wellbeing and selfishly (?) wanting to get my life back in my twilight years.
Best wishes, keep posting please.